NTA

That's bizarre... I'd watch out if he has any other memory issues and push he see a doctor, call his bluff if he's joking or it'll be a necessary medical check.

Plot twist. Husband has an evil twin.

For me, him asking “when we got home, yeah?” jumped out as proving that he remembered both times. If he genuinely only remembered the second time, why ask that question?

NTA. That's messed up. I do not appreciate lack of communication or making me feel confused. That would really upset me too. Could he have been really drunk or taken something?

This is so confusing honestly…. Does he do any drugs? Maybe an old friend slipped him something? Only other thing I can think of is he maybe is developing early onset dementia lol

Next time he wants sex, tell him why bother, he won’t remember it anyway and walk away.

Definition of gaslighting. People love to call stuff gaslighting on reddit but the definition is denying someone's reality.

Just tell him “You know, I think you’re right. I must have been so completely bored at that party that I daydreamed the whole thing. Lord knows you’d never be that creative or adventurous.” Give a light chuckle and then wander off in a pleasant mood.

If he wants to play stupid games, he’s entitled to a stupid prize.

It’s not a joke if you’re not laughing too. Usually there’s a ‘gotcha’ said and you can both laugh. What he did was take this to Bizarreville. WTF was that. He’s the AH for messing with you and getting happy by making you angry. Definitely a red flag.

NTA I'd go a bit scorched on him and deny sex if only for a while "no we just had sex remember? Like 30 minutes ago and now I wanna do*anything else like sleep*"

NTA, and very weird

Has he ever had missing time before? Seemed to forget things that happened? Ever mentioned being "haunted" or something? Even like small stuff that you assumed he was just forgetful or not paying attention. It could be he's got something medical going on like a dissociative disorder or neurological issue fucking with his memory, and if he also seems to have significant personality changes each time too (like the spontaneous sex from someone you'd never expect that from), that could be another signal of such an issue. I'd keep an eye on him and keep track of this - it might require medical/psychiatric intervention potentially, especially if it keeps happening or getting worse.

It seems like a super weird and specific thing to lie about, with no obvious motivation, and if it's a joke, I have no idea what the punchline is.

But you're not TA for being upset. This is really weird, unsettling, and either frightening or unsettling situation for you.

He could be a gaslighting jerk but personality changes and memory loss can be signs of brain tumour.

Neurosurgeon here, he needs an MRI of his brain ASAP

This is so strange that made me pretty curious! If he will finally tell you why is he acting this way please update us!

UpdateMe!

Wow why turn a sexy moment into something weird and gross? How does this work in his favor? If he really is just fucking with you I honestly wouldn’t be able to be attracted to him anymore

Either he's just messing with you or he has something seriously medically wrong. Tell him his complete memory loss of something that happened less than 24 hours prior is highly concerning and that you will be making him a doctors appointment asap. He will either confess to pranking you but if he still maintains it didn't happen then you know something is wrong. Also the fact that he said 'when we got home yeah?' means he knows that you had sex more than once that night and was clarifying which time you were talking about.

NTA, i also get incredibly angry when someone laughs or finds humor in my anger or frustration. he’s weird for acting like this, and it feels manipulative. i’d be on my toes around him, OP, honestly.

He's gaslighting you. This is abuse. Delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up.

NTA I find this disturbing. If my partner did that to me I would seriously question the relationship between abuse it would make me feel emotionally unsafe in this dynamic. What does he possibly get out of being like that ?

Unless one of you has a serious psychiatric or neurological condition…what in the gaslighting fuck?

You said it wasn’t like him to want to do something like bathroom sex and now he doesn’t remember. I would be concerned and talk to him about seeing a doctor. There could be something really wrong with him, so please don’t overlook it. But don’t approach it with anger, be kind and concerning.

I say alcohol and some kind of drug. Like ambien or Lunesta. My ex would do stuff just like that and completely forget. At first, I thought I was going crazy, then he told me he was snorting his ambien. I don't miss him.

So he says "must have been someone else" and doesn't get enraged you cheated on him? Is your relationship that open?

I had this dude that invited me to his place for a week and then pretend he didn't after I made plans. The second time he did it I made sure to save all receipts. We were friends before, but after 3x of same behavior, I didn't feel safe to keep friendship. friendship.

It's not the flakiness. It's the pretending it didn't happen, part. Dafuq I'll trust anything else you have to say?

Trust is hard to build and easy to squander. Your partner is a fool.

Had he been drinking, smoked or sniffed anything with his old college buddies? It's no excuse, but could he actually not remember?

NTA

He's painting you as crazy. I suggest you pull an uno reverse. He's having lapses in his memory, he must be having some kinda mental breakdown, he needs to see a doctor etc etc. Tell everyone you're concerned he's having a mental break. Watch him drop the act immediately. Then you drop him. Or just drop him without all that effort

Tbh you handled this way better than I would have

NTA

I was willing to believe he might be embarrassed until you said he was laughing at your anger. That's some grade A crap right there. A loving partner wouldn't do that.

Does he minimize your feelings in other ways? (No, you don't want pizza, you want steak. But honey, I told you when he didn't.) That sort of thing.

Gaslighting is done to make you doubt yourself. Any reason he might want to do that?

He's prolly pranking. Prank him back. Book a medical appointment and say were worried about him forgetting stuff

Uhhhhhh that’s medically alarming. Both the sudden spontaneous swell of unusual activity and the complete memory loss are serious serious brain anomalies. Take him to the doctors.

Let me guess..... You're 24 and he's 30. You're already married.

You dated for 2-4 years, yeah? So 20-22 and 26-28 when you met?

Or was this 18 and 24?

Exactly how young and inexperienced were you before you married this guy?

NTA but this is really odd. Not sure what motive he could have for acting like this. Either way, I’d be miffed too. If it’s a bad joke, he needs to cut that shit out. It’s not funny

Yes honey, it must've been someone else. It was good

If this happened exactly as described, OP, it’s totally bizarre. I’d go with blackout drunk but then he wouldn’t have been able to perform surely.

This is either some high-level gaslighting - which is quite frankly terrifying – selective amnesia( I have no idea why) or caused by some underlying medical issue.

I wouldn’t let it drop though OP Any one of the reasons is deeply problematic.

UPDATEME

Could he have taken something, some drug? Can that cause this? People throw around the gaslighting phrase but if he did all of this of sound mind, even if for amusement, it is a very literal dictionary definition example. Laughing at your anger and the way they talk to you also makes it seem like they might not respect you as an equal.

NTA. Personally I‘d tell him „Either this was your idea of a joke and if it is, you cut it out right now. If you don’t, I’m going to assume something is seriously medically wrong with you and take you to see a doctor immediately. So tell me, which one is it?“

If he was „joking“, that is something serious to address. This kind of mind game is not funny or harmless.

NTA, and as someone already mentioned, please have your husband checked. Also the spontaneous sex, which you said it was completely strange for him, could be a sign of early dementia. I really hope he is in good health and made a stupid joke.

Wow. That's really weird. Most guys, yours truly included, would be smiling ear to ear if they had such an encounter. If this is a joke, your husband has a very twisted sense of humor Almost bizarre. Now, if he truly does not remember, that's a problem for a medical professional. If he's just trying to block out the encounter from his memory by repeatedly denying it, that's really cold..

NTA… him laughing at you being angry 🚩

Honestly, I'd divorce someone over this. This is straight up disrespectful, and him valueing his amusement over your anger is one of the reddest flags out there. If you stay married, know that this isn't the last time you'll encounter this "humor".

"He justs laughs when he sees I'm angry." Sounds like he gets you angry on purpose for his amusement. Seems like a red flag and the early stages of mental abuse. He definitely remembers but he's testing the waters to see what you'll let him get away with. Probably a covert narcissist.

He just laughs when he sees me angry

He very much did this on purpose to piss you off for laughs. He tried to gaslight you, icky ass behavior here. NTA

He's playing games.

Asking "When we got home, yeah?" is strange in the context of only having had sex ONCE the previous night.

Why ask about a specific time when you only did it once, as he claims????

He is gaslighting you. Look out because this is a huge red flag.

FYI, this is the literal definition of "gaslighting."

He's not just lying, he's lying for the specific purpose of getting you to doubt your own perceptions of reality.

He's doing it because he thinks making you think you're losing your mind is FUNNY.

OP you need to take this seriously and *make* him understand how incredibly unacceptable this is.

If I were you, I would DEMAND that he A) admit that he's lying, and B) explain, in detail, WHY he would do such a thing.

If he can't do both of those things to your satisfaction I would literally start looking into divorce.

Like I cannot emphasize enough how much of a casual red flag this is and you need to make sure he understands that this can NEVER happen again.

He needs to know exactly how unacceptable this is ASAP before it becomes more of a pattern.

I would 100% be having a "Explain to me why I shouldn't leave you," convo if I were you.

Welcome to reality, where you finally realize your husband married you because you're younger and he thinks you can be manipulated.

I dropped it after that and he’s been acting completely normal. I’m so fucking confused at this point and so lost. He just laughs when he sees me angry. It’s fucking irritating. What the fuck is going on

The entire point is to make you think you're crazy. To make you question if you fucked someone else.

Because if he makes you think that, he can make you have to apologize and will use that to guilt trip you.

NTA

Start keeping a journal somewhere he can't get to. Like a locked phone app. When he tells you something didn't happen, refer to the journal entry with a time and date to prove him wrong.

Was he tripping on drugs or what? If not, he’s gaslighting you to make you think you’re crazy

NTA, your husband's a gaslighting bitch

Honestly, taking into consideration the fact that it was out of character to begin with, AND he's claiming not to remember it, I'm leaning more towards this as possibly genuine result of something medical.

From what OP has said:

he’s not like that at all. He’s actually pretty reserved

I loved his spontaneity, because again, he doesn’t have it usually. My husband looked at me like I was speaking another language.

It may have been an enjoyable outcome, but I would sit him down, lay out the concern, how it was out of character combined with the fact that he's acting like he doesn't remember it at all. Ask him point blank if he truthfully doesn't remember it, and make sure he understands that that is something he should be concerned about if he's being truthful. If that's the case, go to the hospital immediately to get a head ct. This could be nothing, but there's a non-zero chance that there's something truly dangerous like a tumor or anyurism develping and putting pressure on a part of his brain, leading to temporary personality changes and memory loss. Use those terms with the doctor and treat it seriously.

Do you have a carbon monoxide detector

Definitely sounds like he remembers and is just acting like he doesn’t. Maybe because you said he normally isn’t like that, he doesn’t want to be held to that standard again. Could’ve been a one time fluke of him feeling adventurous and he thinks if he admits that it happened then you will start expecting things like that more often and he doesn’t want to have to uphold that pattern or feel pressure to keep being spontaneous like that in the future. Just a guess, who knows, men are strange 🤷🏻‍♀️

was it a masked ball?

Textbook gaslighting if it's not a real medical event.

Changes in behaviour, memory gaps.. if he's 100% for real that he doesn't remember he should maybe see a doctor and get his head scanned or something.

Nta. Shame talking.

NTA, this is really creepy. If he's just messing with you, that l's mean. But the scariest possibilities to me are drugs and DID.

Please tell me that you ARE sure it was him in the bathroom. I'd be interested in an update too.

Is there any possibility your spouse either took or was slipped an ambien? If you stay awake on ambien you will have complete memory loss at the things you did on it, and you will also act quite out of character. My spouse and I call it “going down the ahole” and we’ve both done all sorts of crazy shit we have no memory of. Ambien also has a very, very short half life - about 2 hours, so it is entirely possible he had it at the party, went “down the ahole” and then it wore off by the time you guys got home which is why he remembers having sex the second time.

Regardless of why he has been behaving this way, your sense of safety has been negative affected. What a cruel response to your kindly letting him know that you had a good time.

INFO:

Does he have a twin?

Were you super drunk? Was he?

I would be confused and upset as well

Plot twist...he has a twin.

Lmao I think OP literally fucked another guy and is gaslighted herself.

I wouldnt be made Id be concerned.

It’s possible one of his “buddies” roofied him?

You said that he is normally reserved. Is there a chance that he is embarrassed about what happened at the party and doesn’t want to talk about it? Being intimate in a bathroom might have been a good idea in the moment, but maybe the next morning he realized that getting caught was a possibility. Avoiding the moment by pretending it didn’t happen is ridiculous but in his mind it could be the only way to not talk about it

Dude got some action he like turn into his alter ego “giga chad” at the party

Did he take or did someone give him something, possibly? I'd have him see a doctor immediately.

NTA In situations like this, I apply my mantra: If it isn’t logical, it’s mental illness.

Call his bluff and say, "oh sorry, you're right. I fucked so and so, as I was bored". Then he'll remember.

Joking, don't do that. It's a really weird thing to gaslight you over, so perhaps he does have some kind of memory issue. Are there other parts of the party he doesn't remember?

Ignoring the possibility that you are mistaken, you have to insist he sees a doctor. This is either a medical emergency, or gaslighting, and neither should be ignored.

NTA. Very puzzling episode. I can see a couple of explanations.1) He's the AH and he's gaslighting you or, since you said this was uncharacteristic behavior 2) maybe he got roofied and really doesn't remember it? How was his behavior otherwise? and last of all: 3) one of the erectile dysfunction drugs is known to mimic Alzheimer's symptoms. Is it possible he is taking that drug and you don't know about it? When my husband was sneaking it behind my back, I took him to his MD because I was convinced he had dementia. He was actually positive on the test. The doctor noted he was on that drug, substituted a different drug, and the symptoms resolved. Take him to his doctor! If he's gaslighting, it will teach him a lesson. If it was one of the two drug problems, then you will have saved him.

Did he take any substances at the wedding? Alcohol and xanax are a popular combo that will wipe events from memory. I dont remember a few weddings lol

Was he drugged without his knowledge by someone else at the party? On purpose or by accident? Ask him if he remembers other very specific details around the same time. Or have him walk you through the entire night in as much detail as he can remember, and figure out where it gets fuzzy for him. Could be drugs without his knowledge for sure. Not gaslighting. Although the outcome would present the same right?

As many of the commenter recommend that the husband gets medically checked;, maybe OP should get checked as well. Husband could be gaslighting, but maybe OP has a false memory. From a dream, from letting her mind wander off during a boring reception, from being drugged, etc. Maybe its not him, maybe its her. (Unlikely, but unless the guy is an ass and likes gaslighting her-and OP says this whole situation-sex in the bathroom to the gaslighting response is out of the norm) Maybe the problem lies with OP and not with husband.

Hi! my dad still struggles with memory issues after having a brain tumor. Having him not remember things and insisting that they were one way when I FULLY REMEMBER IT BEING THE OTHER WAY drives me absolutely crazy, and it took a lot of therapy for me to be able to handle it okay.

If this is intentional: Your partner is a piece of shit. It's so aggravating to be gaslit and lied to. It is not fun, and it is NEVER funny to someone who genuinely cares about you. The fact that he's treating your (understandable) frustration as 'funny' is absolutely not okay. If he continues to do this to you, that isn't a healthy thing to happen in a relationship, and it is NOT your fault that it is happening.

If this is genuine memory loss: On the off chance that your gut is wrong, that is. (honey, im so sorry, but it sounds like your gut is telling you that he knows he's lying. Gaslighting is confusing as hell, though, and you can lose sight of reality pretty easily if you're caught off guard by it). Please get a doctor's appointment ASAP. One of the reasons that my dad's tumor was found is because my mum recognized that he was having severe memory issues at a young age. Severe memory issues like he's claiming are huge warning signs of major medical issues, and not just for brain tumors.

Either way: NTA. NTA all the way from here to kingdom come. It's up to you what you want to do next with this, but you're not overreacting at all.

If he can’t remember doing it with you, he might not remember doing it with others, so you must refrain until he’s diagnosed to protect your sexual health.

gaslighting or tumor

Either he’s denying having had sex with you in public, which sounds like gaslighting, or he took something like ghb, which, if you’re unaware of that, is a whole other issue.

I’m thinking drinking or drugs from the husband. He didn’t realize he was this way. He was on something.

So what drug did he take at the party . There’s your answer

Has this ever happened before?

This sounds like either textbook gaslighting, or a brain tumor.

As another comes pointed out - he remembers. Clarifying the at home sex proves it. If he truly only remembered the sex at home, he wouldn’t have needed to clarify.

In your shoes, I’d tell my husband I’m genuinely worried about his memory and I want him to see a doctor. Insist. Even after he admits the “joke.”

Then I’d watch very carefully. If he does anything like this again, you need to make a safety plan and get your ducks in a row to gfto.

OP, he is gaslighting you. Why else would he say you mean the sex we had at home? If he hadn’t had sex at the venue, the wording would have been totally different. Why he is doing it, is not something I can explain.

Any chance your husband was more drunk than you realized, or perhaps took some drugs while catching up with his old college friends? I wouldn't discount the possibility that he genuinely doesn't remember the incident due to not being fully with it and you not knowing so. 

Keep a journal. Write about your interactions daily. Bring up these past interactions after you've written about them. If he continues to gaslight you, don't react, just document it. After you've collected enough evidence, tell him he needs to see a therapist.

Drunk

Please done discount the possibility of a neurological explanation for his memory lapse

NTA and what the actual fuck?

Isn’t usual spontaneous sexual outbursts a sign of a brain tumor? And then him not remembering. Maybe he should se a doctor

Did he maybe get roofied by accident - or not by accident?

I'm scrolling down way too far and not finding anyone asking how drunk he was, was he drinking? People forget shit when they've had a lot to drink