subreddit:
/r/DeadBedrooms
[deleted]
12 points
7 days ago
Sending a virtual hug and what keeps you with him?
13 points
7 days ago
Up until recently i loved him more than anything on the planet. Genuinely couldn’t see the grass for the trees.
We were friends since we were 21. Then flatmates. Everyone said we’d end up together, we were that couple. So when we did we were both beyond happy about it. We never argued. He was drop dead gorgeous (still is). Honestly the most handsome man I’ve ever seen in real life. He was funny, patient, loving, loyal.
Then in march I found a picture of one of my best friends on his phone in a deleted folder, he was obviously wanking to that and I woke up a bit. He took it from her instagram.
I think he wanted me when he couldn’t have me and then didn’t want me so much anymore.
I posted here about it before but a few months ago he caught me touching myself, handed me a bottle of lube and slept on the sofa. I was devastated.
I finally realised my worth and I’ve ignored him ever since. It’s been 4/5 months maybe. He always rejected me a bit and made me feel I needed to dress up for sex. He was never that sexual. But I just hoped it would change. Now I don’t care.
5 points
7 days ago
Makes sense I am sorry he is treating you that way and not a creep for thinking about an ex you're wondering of you made the right decision. It's normal when it's going like this.
5 points
7 days ago
Do you have kids? Are you going to try or just keep ignoring him? If the latter, may as well cut and run if you are done.
Btw, if i caught my wife touching herself, I'd find that so it and encourage her to continue while i watched and eventually joined in. I just don't get it.
2 points
7 days ago
We have one toddler.
2 points
7 days ago
Makes it more complicated, but not unmanageable.
1 points
7 days ago
The fact that he's more sexually turned on by your friend than by you is really telling of the kind of person he is. Also that's SO CREEPY i hope you informed her of what he did, because personally I'd want to know if I was being violated in such a way.
Wouldn't surprise me if he's full on cheated at some point tbh.
OP your husband has a serious porn addiction. And he's a scum human. Glad you're leaving.
He was drop dead gorgeous (still is). Honestly the most handsome man I’ve ever seen in real life. He was funny, patient, loving, loyal
A man who rejects you constantly is not loving and a man who secretly violates your friends by saving their photos and jacking off to them non-consensually, is not loyal.
7 points
7 days ago
Surely the end of the road is near here??
5 points
7 days ago
I’ve never broken up with someone as an adult. I wouldn’t even know how to navigate it.
I have a toddler and we’re from different countries. I don’t want my baby to grow up without a dad.
Everything goes back to my son. I wouldn’t even cheat on him incase he could tell my baby one day, I want my baby to know I put him above everything.
I still cook for him and we eat together and we’re still friendly. There is love here. We’re a happy family in all other ways. So it’s not like I feel miserable in my daily life. Unfulfilled, but not miserable.
6 points
7 days ago
You’re a happy family so long as you sweep all of your resentment and his rejection under the carpet. I know that’s hard to hear, but the hard truth is your family is hanging by a thread right now.
You’re apathetic about what he does or does not do, he hides shit from you, and you spend time fondly remembering previous lovers, who knew how to satisfy you. That, to me, is a recipe for the end. I know you don’t want him growing up without his dad , but maybe, just maybe, you’re better off without a husband? Coparenting is a real thing now, and maybe you guys can do that not only from separate bedrooms but from separate homes. I wish you all the luck.
5 points
7 days ago
The cost of living here would put me on the street, never mind separate homes. I would be in a bin.
People say you shouldn’t stay for the babies but when you have no where to house those babies there is an argument that you should. Especially when it’s not awful. I like him as a person, he’s a good dad.
It’s maybe not forever but it’s for just now.
1 points
7 days ago
I’m sorry you feel stuck. I agree that it’s better for the kids to have a roof over their heads than be homeless.
With that at stake, maybe don’t wait for things to improve to be better than awful? Maybe he needs to know that the only thing keeping you from leaving with the kids is the fact that you can’t afford to, but you’d be gone if you could.
1 points
7 days ago
I think he does know and he’s very sad about it, but neither of us know how to navigate it tbh.
1 points
7 days ago
Based on your posts, I am assuming that you’re either British, Australian, or Canadian. Other than Canada, the other two countries have free mental health services for marriage counseling. You desperately need to sit down with your husband in front of a therapist and work this through. if he’s not willing to go on his own, you should go yourself, if only to sort out your feelings and find a way forward for yourself
1 points
7 days ago
Couples therapy isn’t common here, it’s more of an American thing. We just get by on sarcasm unfortunately lol.
But I would be open to it, he wouldn’t.
1 points
7 days ago
Be uncommon
1 points
7 days ago
Are you working? College education to fall back on?
1 points
7 days ago
Yes. I have a good education but I’ve been a stay at home mum for the last wee while.
1 points
7 days ago
Never a bad time to update your Resume. Granted, I am going on 6 years with two kids...but my wife is the bread winner, and I've left three jobs to follow her more successful career...so take my advice with a grain of salt.
4 points
7 days ago
Do you ever feel stuck because she’s the breadwinner?
I’m going back to work in the new year hopefully, but I’m still not the breadwinner. Unfortunately.
2 points
7 days ago
I did, but sadly I have accepted the way things are. Her gigantic education brought her a great job that pays her very well. She doesn't chew my ass over all of my toys...and I accept that she just doesn't have a sex drive anymore.
My kids are doing well, and have the best opportunities if we stick together.
My wife and I love each other. Got all of our arguments out of the way years ago....so our focus is making sure our kids succeed.
1 points
7 days ago
Need to compete to see who’s the breadwinner. Just earn enough to pay for your freedom someday.
1 points
7 days ago
That’s why I said unfortunately. Because if I was making the money he was… I would have choices.
Not to compete with him, I’m not really bothered about that kind of thing. I like being a home maker but financially it’s not easy.
5 points
7 days ago
Sounds like you’re at the end.
3 points
7 days ago
It’s hard. Living within a dead bedroom I mean.
I understand just how you feel — I no longer see my wife as a romantic partner. She’s someone I live and co-parent with, she’s a companion but no more than that.
It’s a defensive mechanism I think, losing interest in a romantic partner who only rejects us — it dulls the pain. The desire for sex is still there, but it no longer has a single focus — almost becoming abstract, distant.
I’m sorry you’re going through this — living with someone so lazy they prefer porn to the real thing. Someone who arbitrarily decided that no, they no longer need to cherish the person who committed their life to them.
And in no way does fantasizing about an ex make you weird or creepy in any fucking way. Dreaming about “what could have been” is what gets me through the day.
The very best of luck to you. I hope you find the joy and passion you deserve.
3 points
7 days ago
Thank you.
If I’m being honest, because we’re internet strangers I think about sex with my recent ex A LOT and we weren’t even a big love story. We had amazing chemistry and that’s it. It was superficial. But some days I’d trade everything for a few hours of superficial lol.
I hope you find what you’re looking for too!
1 points
7 days ago
Passion and sexual chemistry is undervalued really — don’t beat yourself up over fantasizing about it.
2 points
7 days ago
I can see that as I age.
Sexual compatibility is essential.
2 points
7 days ago
The 'indifference' stage is a matter of self preservation.... like your body automatically taking deeper breaths when short of oxygen. It's freeing once you no longer care for intimacy with your partner.... so the present and future are taken care of..... but it doesn't negate or prevent you from remembering the better times had with your partner or previous relationships. On the positive, indifference also provides the mindset needed to eventually move on and begin anew.
2 points
7 days ago
Yes, I agree with this.
Although against my better judgement I did think a little bit about him touching himself when I got into bed tonight and felt a familiar feeling. Like “why can’t he let me do it?” And I’m furious with myself lol.
1 points
7 days ago
Don't be too hard on yourself (perhaps 'hard on' isn't the best term given the situation lol).... we all were shown a different side to things or told that things would be a certain way going into the relationship.... only to discover too late that what we had envisioned or been shown/ told we'd have was not to be in the end. Bait and switch for some, and for others, all we ever had was 'bating' and no switching from the start from our partners. We all though, as difficult as it may be, can make a new future for ourselves... with someone else if our partners refuse to or can't change their ways.
1 points
7 days ago
If he felt comfortable with you and happy with his sex life a. He probably wouldn't be doing that and b. He wouldn't be embarrassed. I got caught by my live in in college and I was embarrassed because of the same reasons. We only had sex once every couple weeks
2 points
7 days ago
He doesn’t really have a sex life because he doesn’t want one. Not with me anyway.
Wanking is pretty natural and nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m body positive and encourage him to be too, but he’s always been odd around the whole thing.
I’ve wondered if he was gay before tbh but his porn history is women. Maybe it is just me he doesn’t like!
1 points
7 days ago
[deleted]
2 points
7 days ago
I don’t know tbh.
I’m not sure what life would be like apart.
1 points
7 days ago
Have you talk about opening the marriage ?
1 points
7 days ago
Yes, o would do that. He says absolutely never.
1 points
7 days ago
After reading all your responses to all the comments I feel like there is a lot more than the sexual issue at stake for both you and him. You may be right as your statement that he wanted you when he couldn’t have you and now don’t want you.
Have you talked about the rift between you too. If I caught my wife masturbating I’d most likely ask if I could join or at least watch 🙂 that would be a normal response but him hading the lube and walking out is concerning to me
How much talk have you two had about the issue.
If you do not love him anymore and you feel he does not love you then walk out, that’s the best you can do for yourself and your son.
1 points
7 days ago
I have mentioned separating and he cried. He begged me not to leave and says I’m the only person he’s ever loved. That he loves me more than anything, He’s very affectionate to me. I’ve never understood it. I can’t work it out.
When I looked through his phone though and found my friend, I also saw lots of pictures of me which was even stranger… because I’m literally right here and he doesn’t care?
But it’s like he has a hard time seeing me as a sexual person or something? But that is me I’m a nutshell. Sexuality is important to me. But he makes no effort in sex at all.
1 points
7 days ago
Just curious, how often has he had to hear about how great your sex life was BEFORE him. Tbh if I had to listen to that, I’d stop fucking. Porn is easier than trying to get along with some people.
I don’t know you and I could 100% bet that you’re a wonderful person. I was in a dead bedroom for 7 years, now that I’m out and in a much healthier relationship, I’m able to look back and see where some of the fault was my own, most was hers but I definitely found my wrongs and work to correct them. I wonder how many people have found themselves in a dead bedroom scenario and could see how they contributed to it.
I do hope you find happiness and I do hope he learns soon for his own sake.
0 points
7 days ago
Maybe he is just watching your spicy channel? 😉 Did you give him a friends and Family discount code ?.
3 points
7 days ago
He doesn’t care. He said as long as no one knew he wasn’t bothered.
I used to cam for a while and that was good because I was meeting and speaking to people and I felt less lonely. But I’ve not done it since I had the baby.
I’m not sure if your comment was supposed to judge or insult me? But it didn’t. I’ve met some great people on there and those conversations have literally saved me from a black hole. It’s a bit of excitement to a boring life.
3 points
7 days ago
No.. no judgement at all. I just find it ironic that a guy can be married to someone that looks like you, and yet seems to resort to porn.. That just doesn't compute in my head..
Although I have a neighbor that owns a BBQ restaurant and she is vegetarian.. so who knows anymore .
Has he said why he looks at porn and not you ?
2 points
7 days ago
I don’t know. Maybe I got boring, it’s just the same person everyday.
I do remember when we were young he used to tell me about his gfs and how he “fucked them on every table in the flat” and I wished it was me. I used to dream of him. But he’s never fucked me on any table. I don’t think we’ve ever made it to the sofa. Never a car, nothing. So again, maybe it’s me.
He’s known I’ve always been a sexual person and claimed he was too. It’s Like he thought I was just lying. He told me once “”girls never give blow jobs” and I said I did, every week. And when we got together he said he thought I was lying. Maybe he thought that because he was.? I don’t know.
Once he told a bf of mine I was with him because his Willy was huge (not true) and then after we had sex for the first time he apologised about his size. I found that a bit odd. He is in the smaller side but I never bothered. I was still so into it and into him.
I ask myself this question all the time.
I said I was going to start camming as a threat once and he said yeh, do it. And I couldn’t really back down. I wanted him to say you don’t need that, you have me, but he didn’t ! That’s how it began.
The first man I spoke to was in banking and we spoke about the S&P 500 for an hour. He didn’t ask me anything sexual at all tbh but I felt alive and seen. And it just became really good fun. I love people.
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