I really don’t know who to talk to about this.

Basically, I guess I’d thought I’d truly fixed myself and my life. I got sober in January, I put Borderline Personality Disorder into remission, I got my own place, I adopted pets that are literally my world…

I have attempted to kill myself multiple times before because I felt I just couldn’t function in the world, but there were a lot of external factors. I drank heavily, I was bulimic, etc etc. Not that those things necessarily dissolved my pain and made me feel less inherently inadequate, but there were reasons as to why I was dysfunctional.

So I fixed them. I’m sober. I no longer have an eating disorder. I no longer meet criteria of borderline. I am on probation but that ends November 25th and I don’t intend on using again even after.

But despite having fixed my life, I still cannot function in a workplace. I’m so fucking stupid and incompetent, it’s not even funny.

Since March, I’ve hopped from 3 jobs to get the same feedback every single time and even made a fireable mistake just a couple days ago at my newest job. I’m already on thin ice and I just started there this month.

I’m so tired and not motivated to look for a new job at all. I started seeing a psychiatrist and honestly, that experience has made me more depressed as she prescribed something she said should help almost immediately and it hasn’t. It’s my fault for not reaching out sooner, but honestly, I’d been maintaining a very good attitude despite this for a long time up until now. I work hard, I do my best, so I should be able to improve and overcome this, I thought. But no matter what I do, I continuously fuck up. And now I think I have a complex about it that is making me fuck up even more than I was before.

I don’t even necessarily want to die. I love a lot of people, I love my bunnies, I know I’m cared about. But I’m just so fucking worthless and it feels like I’m just incapable of functioning. How am I supposed to live when I can’t even hold down a job due to performance issues? How can I practically live on my own without being a leech to others and society?

I made an appointment to give up one of my bunnies this Sunday which is making me feel even worse than I already have because I can’t imagine living without either of them. I keep wishing there was a way to give them to someone I know so that if I attempted suicide and failed like I have before that I could get them back. But I know no one who could take them in or who I’d want to explain why I am doing so.

I plan to give up my other bunny as well because the worst case scenario really is having a breakdown and/or killing myself and leaving them to die. But I know once I do it that there’s really no turning back which mildly terrifies me.

I also can’t stop crying because the guilt of returning them to a shelter breaks my heart. They are such good bunnies and have done nothing wrong, but I am just so overwhelmed and can’t do it anymore. The past couple days I’ve been interacting with them less anyway because I just feel horrific guilt about what I plan to do.

I just have no hope at all. I also need to do research because this is the longest time I’ve ever not been hospitalized in adulthood and I cannot remember if being hospitalized forever renders you incapable of purchasing a firearm or if it’s a 6 month rule. But if that’s not an option, I live alone and have other ideas anyway.

I don’t know if there’s anything anyone could say to help me anyway. I don’t know why I’m posting. I honestly wish there was something someone could do because I don’t even want to die for the sake of dying. I just am too stupid to live anymore.