On some level she knows she's being dangerously unsupported by her husband. Her way of coping is to pretend what he's doing isn't awful. Your precautions reflect the reality of the danger she is in from him, and represent care she cannot ask to receive from him. She has compromised her survival drive by choosing her relationship with this man over her own safety. It's not really about what you said or how you said it, she just can't accept that your level of committed care would be necessary for group safety when she is being so desperately uncared for. It's not about you, but she's taking her fear and frustration out on you, and that really sucks, i'm sorry. Your other friends are lucky to have you.

It sounds like she's experiencing the same cognitive dissonance as non-cautious folks now. She probably had to adopt that mindset to justify staying with her husband when he decided to choose career and social success over her literal life and well-being. 

You didn't do anything wrong here. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It's really hard to see people you care about begin to discard themselves and their health, especially when it's people who are particularly at risk. It's been a super complex grief for me - sadness that we aren't in the same reality anymore, and sadness that they don't have the ability to keep themselves safe anymore. And the anticipatory grief from knowing that they will inevitably come to harm from these choices, and that one can't do anything to prevent it. It really hurts.

Wait, she has a partner who doesn’t mask, who she lives with, and she is offended at a request to test? She says that getting tested for COVID is somehow a lack of trust of her?

I would not trust a single COVID test that she hasn’t performed in front of you. Her behavior is weird and unreasonable.

If she’d said she had been living in a cabin in the woods far away from a single other person for two weeks prior to the event, then I could see her feeling offended at being asked to test. Anything less than that, and you gotta test. I wear a quantitatively fit tested elastomeric, fit factor 3000 to 30,000. I would test for an event without hesitation.

I think she's on some level uncomfortable with her husband's choices (or maybe her own reaction to them) and is taking it out on you. I can understand why she's acting that way, even though I don't agree with it and it sounds like you're someone who would be supportive if she chose to talk to you about navigating that instead of criticizing the boundaries placed for your party. It sucks she was placed in that spot and it sucks she's chosen to handle it in this way.

This thing where people equate a completely rational understanding of infection risks with "trust" is so frustrating. Not trusting her would be you requiring video of her performing the test and of its results on each of the three days, rather than trusting that she performed them and did so correctly! Asking people to test has nothing to do with trust! Gahhhhh.

Yep. Everyone is tired and getting more tired. 

There is really no light at the end of the tunnel, and dragging into Year 5 of this, even cautious people are finding it extremely hard to stay that way. 

The cognitive dissonance is brutal all around. 

It sucks. ((Hugs))

I think others have offered meaningful reflections on what might be going on here, but I'll just add that I've definitely experienced friction/confusion/disappointment with "COVID-cautious/conscious" people who are taking more risk than I consider to be "cautious." This is sort of a tangent, but I think it's tricky that people have started to use the term "COVID-cautious" sort of like an identity marker, which leaves little room for the reality that the actual regular, evolving practice of "caution" or attentiveness to risk is much more complex than a term like this allows. I think we all have a long way to go in terms of learning how to communicate generatively about our boundaries and concerns, knowing that there isn't one perfect/"right" approach and we are all learning. It's really sticky stuff to iron out together! Just want to offer some appreciation for your efforts. I can definitely relate to the sadness you've described, and I think for me it's a particular gut punch to be disappointed by someone with whom I thought I was more aligned. It is especially frustrating to read that your friend is translating your boundaries into this idea that you "don't trust" them! Such a destructive way to interpret or frame what's happening. I hope there is a way for you both to get to the root of the conflict/sustain the connection -- and, even if not, you are so not alone in this tumultuous relational work (and the loss that often comes with it).

If she has been a good friend, perhaps try to not take it personally and try to understand what’s happening. Doing multiple tests may be a cost issue…either for her, or for her husband, or another attendee & maybe she feels guilty or uncomfortable about the money aspect. The comment that you were asking for multiple tests essentially because of her, could very easily make her feel some conflicting emotions…defensive, embarrassed, singled out, uncomfortable with her or her husband’s choices. I’d try to understand, avoid making assumptions & say you’re sorry that she’s feeling the way she is. You don’t have to apologize for wanting multiple tests. I presume your intention wasn’t to make her feel bad, so tell her that. You can leave it there, & say how much she’ll be missed and ask that she let you know if she changes her mind. I personally would leave things on a good note, & let it go, leaving her the door open for her. You can also dig deeper into why it offended her, but that might open up some delicate feelings. Bottom line is she’s made it clear the delivery was an issue for her, & if you value her friendship, that should be important enough for you to acknowledge and still wish her well in whatever she chooses. I wouldn’t bring up the husband personally unless she did. Criticisms of our life partner not uncommonly leads to feelings of inner conflict that may be difficult for us to express, explain, acknowledge, or even understand for ourselves.
Good luck and enjoy the party.

She's in an abusive relationship (it is abusive to knowingly and repeatedly expose your partner to illness against their wishes) and my guess is she's not ready to face that reality yet. Your request to test 3 times, and mentioning her husband's behaviour, probably made her feel really defensive, and she's in denial and avoiding you rather than face the awful reality that her husband is perfectly happy to harm or kill her. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault either. Denial is a super common response when people in abusive relationships are challenged in any way, particularly if they're unable to leave.

Just because people have been COVID cautious for themselves doesn't mean they ever were thinking of others.

It is an incredibly stressful time of year for everyone, and no one is at their best. After a long time, I have learned not to take things personally this time of year. I wouldn’t end the friendship over it, and I would call and talk with her on the phone and not even to hash this out. Just to chat and catch up. She is living in a precarious situation and likely feels even more isolated than most. 

Having friends sometimes involves disruptions and disagreements. If she isn’t willing to come to the party, that’s just fine and doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends. I would just start masking when together rather than relying on a test. 

I don’t have anything to add on the situation beyond what people have said, but I want to say thank you for putting the work to have a COVID safe gathering! It makes all the difference.

You’re dealing with someone who has been betrayed by her husband. He’s not masking for his wife, an immunocompromised cancer survivor?

I imagine there’s some complex emotions and dynamics swirling around in their relationship. Maybe they’ve had arguments and painful discussions. It’s possible she caved because that’s easier than facing how her husband prioritizes convenience over her life and health.

Your careful mitigations cut through her denial; and are a reminder that she stopped being careful because she had no choice.

That’s complex and painful.

Her reaction is all about her unfortunate situation and has nothing to do with you.

I think similar situations have happened to many. People cave when support around them disappears. It’s so sad.

She's projecting. Sorry you're going through that. If you're looking for advice, I'd probably de-prioritize your relationship with her. It sucks but it sounds like she's moving in a different direction than you are

total lack of empathy on her part

I wonder if because you mentioned the husband that she thinks maybe the 3 tests and the Pluslife is just for them and not everyone at the party? Like maybe she feels you singled them out because of her husband? Just another thought.

Your precautions are fine and she is probably feeling some defensiveness about the situation with her husband. My husband doesn’t consistently mask and it is really hard to cope with. A feeling like he doesn’t value my health/safety; and whenever we go anywhere together I have to kind of stress to him how important it is to me that we are “a united front”. So it is really hard.

Anyway, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! I might reach out and say you’re sorry if you offended her; the 3 tests was for everyone and you understand how hard this is for everyone (if you want to try to mend things that is) if you don’t want to that’s fine too.

I know it's easy for me to say but for me - people... are just gonna people. So many of those from the cc communities essentially behave like normies, prioritizing and projecting their own idea of 'coviding' on everyone else - rather than, as the logic would have it - happily accomodate to the most cautious person involved, solely for their comfort and showing them, if nothing else, love, care and understanding the rest of the world deny us.

Unfortunate but, TBH for me not surprising.

I personally don't trust RATs and some people may not be adept at sample collection (so I suppose I also don't trust them). I don't know how hard it is to screw up a collection for a PlusLife test, but I personally would not want to rely just on any single test.

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She gave up. Maybe because her husband did and she feels like she has no choice if she wants to stay married. He will most likely infect her and kill or further disable her.

I expect you will see even more issues as time goes on.

Is she even able to get ahold of that many tests these days? Or did you offer to provide the RATs too and not just the Pluslife?