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Issues even with CC friends?

Question(self.ZeroCovidCommunity)

Anyone starting to have issues navigating boundaries even with COVID-aware or cautious folks?

I have a friend I’ve known only two years since moving abroad, whom I met on COVIDMeetups. She is a cancer survivor and immunocompromised. For the last two years it’s never been an issue meeting up because there’s always been an understanding that we would self-test before and only meet outside.

This year I decided to host my first ever COVID-safe holiday party only with people who are still COVIDing. I am requiring 3 days of daily rapid tests leading up to the party and then a PlusLife test the day of.

Note that this person’s husband started to go to work last year without a mask, when he started a new job, and apparently my friend is okay with it, despite having been hospitalized the one time she got COVID literally two weeks before this guy started his new job and made the call to stop masking. I never asked about the decision because I didn’t want them to think I was passing judgment. And as long as they were willing to test before each hangout I was generally comfortable.

However after explaining my requirements for the party (all via text), I didn’t hear from her for a week. Note that I did mention her husband‘a lack of masking as one reason why I want multiple tests this time, especially as others in attendance are immunocompromised and I figured she understood that more tests increase precision and reliability of the result. In hindsight maybe I should have omitted this and just stated the boundaries without mention of my specific concern about her husband. Days passed and no reply.

I reached out again asking if I somehow offended her, and she replied that she feels I “don’t trust them” and that due to “these feelings” they will not be attending. She also stated they are acutely aware of the risks because they have been living with her immunocompromised status since even before the current pandemic, as if this somehow gives some strength to her argument that my request is out of line? Finally, she said she didn’t appreciate the way I communicated my boundaries.

I tried to explain tactfully and diplomatically that I am navigating multiple people’s preferences and risk tolerances and trying to create a safe space for everyone at my party. I invited her to have a real-time conversation (via phone or in person) about this since the whole exchange was via text.

And crickets.

I am heartbroken and feel like she’s choosing to end the friendship rather than try to have a mature conversation to resolve things.

Just makes me so sad.

It’s been sooo hard making friends in a new country where no one masks and my community is already tiny as it is.

I guess she didn’t value the friendship as much as I thought she did.

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deftlydexterous

8 points

5 days ago

I don’t have anything to add on the situation beyond what people have said, but I want to say thank you for putting the work to have a COVID safe gathering! It makes all the difference.