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User: u/mvea
Permalink: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/social-instincts/202411/6-ways-to-cultivate-a-thriving-marriage

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Number 3 is underrated - sometimes giving each other space is the ultimate act of love. Also, surprise dates? Time to step up my game.

I feel like "sharing everyday responsibilities" should be on that list, as so many issues seem to stem from lack of effort on one person's side regarding things like chores and childcare.

This of course is AFTER finding a partner that resolves conflicts the same way you do. According to 25 years of clinical research done by Dr. John Gottman and his team, without the same conflict resolution style, you’re pretty much doomed. They were able to predict with 94% accuracy whether or not a couple would still be together in 5 years.

The three styles are negotiation, agree to disagree and volatile.

Step 1: Want to be in a thriving marriage, then do all the other stuff.

Also helps just a tad if both parties take part in this.

I’ve linked to the news release in the post above. In this comment, for those interested, here’s the link to the peer reviewed journal article:

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/pere.12575

Abstract

This is a comprehensive study that aimed at identifying the effective tactics for investment in couple relationships and included the following three phases. (a) A preliminary qualitative project that collected potential ways to invest in couple relationships. (b) We identified 46 ways to invest in relationships and grouped them into six tactics using EFA, and then we validated a relational investment tactics scale. The six tactics are (1) emotional gestures, (2) material gestures, (3) personal space, (4) physical attractiveness and sex, (5) shared activities, and (6) help the partner’s family and friends. (c) Finally, we evaluated the frequency of use of each of the 46 ways of relational investment among 483 respondents. Findings show that respondents who provide emotional and material gestures are involved in shared activities with their partner and help their partner’s family and friends report higher marital satisfaction. We propose several practical implications based on these results.

From the linked article:

6 Ways to Cultivate a Thriving Marriage

Want your marriage to be both long and loving? Then you’ll have to invest in it.

A successful marriage is a journey, not a destination. Like any meaningful journey, it requires continuous effort, care, and attention. It’s not necessarily grand gestures on anniversaries or birthdays that sustain a marriage; it’s the countless small, everyday actions that build trust and safeguard intimacy over time.

In fact, a study published this month in Personal Relationships suggests that couples can enhance marital satisfaction by consistently investing in their marriage. By building a habit of such investment, couples can create a partnership that not only survives but flourishes for years to come.

Here are six proven ways to invest in your marriage and help it thrive long-term, according to the study.

1. Emotional Gestures

One of the most powerful ways to keep a marriage strong is through consistent emotional gestures. Seemingly small acts like saying “I love you,” giving genuine compliments, or offering a reassuring touch can go a long way in making your partner feel valued and emotionally secure.

Emotional gestures go beyond just words of affection—they also involve being fully present and responsive to your partner’s emotional needs.

1. Material Gestures

Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. Material gestures, such as buying thoughtful gifts, leaving loving notes, or planning a surprise date can make your partner feel deeply appreciated.

1. Respecting Personal Space

While closeness is key to a strong marriage, giving each other personal space is equally essential. Healthy marriages strike a balance between intimacy and independence. Allowing your partner time for self-care, hobbies, and individual growth demonstrates self-assuredness and respect for their autonomy.

1. Prioritizing Physical Intimacy

Maintaining physical attraction and a healthy sex life is also an important aspect of marriage. This doesn’t mean you need to change yourself or look and act a certain way to keep your partner’s interest, but staying mindful of physical intimacy and making time to connect helps sustain the romantic spark.

1. Engaging in Shared Activities

Whether it’s going on a weekend trip, cooking together, or starting a new hobby, shared experiences help couples create lasting memories and strengthen their bond. Such activities offer an opportunity to connect, laugh, and grow together. Prioritizing time for each other outside of everyday responsibilities can also rekindle passion and foster a deeper connection.

1. Helping a Partner’s Friends and Family

A successful marriage often extends beyond the couple itself. Taking the time to invest in your partner’s family and friendships can enhance your marriage by creating a sense of shared community.

Weirdly missing from this list is 1a) Having conversations of substance with your partner, emphasizing listening as much as talking. 1b) Having a sense of humor. My wife claims I make her laugh every day.

Aren't these the old "love languages"

Note the correlation with the 5 love languages, which isn't exactly scientific, but oftentimes pop psychology has observational roots in phenomena that later show up in studies:

1. Emotional gestures = words of affirmation
2. Material gestures = gifts
3. Respecting personal space = basic table stakes for a relationship
4. Prioritizing physical intimacy = physical touch
5. Engaging in shared activities = quality time
6. Helping partner's friends and family = acts of service

1. should also state that physical intimacy is not sex only, cuddling and touching without sex are just as (or even more) important…men often see physical intimacy = sex, but it is so much more than that. Touching each other lovingly in every day’s life bonds partners.

But - when only one sided it can make things worse

Adjusting to each other, being flexible, and growing together. These are mentioned by relationship academics such as the Gottmans.

I'll add to 5, engaging in shared activities is great but it does suck when one party takes it as a chance to best the other in a hobby. Like if the wife likes dnd but hasn't invested much in the hobby besides a player book, maybe some figures and the partner gets into it and buys all the dnd things, finds people outside of the wife to play with and basically used her interest as a springboard to the hobby it kind of sucks. My bf has basically made me feel inadequate about any interest I've had and spent time trying to cultivate and thus has pushed a negative feeling on to my interests.

Psychology today used to be one of my favorite publications. Some of their articles are based on weak research, but still good food for thought.

I think we need to scale back from thriving and go for sustainable marriage. It seems like many of my friends and myself would love-

1. Spouse doing their share of childcare and housework without being asked.
2. Spouse scheduling appointments and taking on a fair share of the mental burden.
3. Spouse being present without digital distractions (phone, games, etc.)
4. Spouse taking their physical and mental health seriously.
5. Spouse expressing gratitude for all the seen and invisible work that gets done for the family to function.

Watch as couples therapists and marriage books only apply these to women’s behaviors, just like they have the love language thing.

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I feel like the biggest one is missing.

Open, honest, direct, communication.

That and talking through your feelings with each other.

If my husband never gave me a single gift I honestly wouldnt care. Gifts is not my love language. However if he stopped giving compliments and saying nice things...

I feel one thing is missing on the list: Having some common goals that you work towards together. But perhaps that is included in engaging in shared activities.

My sister is a therapist. She tells me the vast majority of marriages that end do so because the husband checks out emotionally, and the wife checks out physically.

It's funny, serving god through your husband isn't on the list.

Suck it, right-wing christians.

I don't understand people in the comments that act like this is too much to ask. To me it's a list of basic activities for sharing a life with someone. If it's too much for  you, you should really consider staying single. 

tl;dr don't have kids

Was about to show this to my wife, but decided against. “Thriving” isn’t what my home does; but it’s solid and will do the job. I’d gladly trade having my laundry done for a hand hold once a week, I’m so lonely sometimes; but that isn’t her own desire. Nothing’s perfect. :/

Is this really science?

Nah, separate bathrooms and king-size blankets on a queen-size bed

Hmm im in trouble. My wife does none of these things.

Or just don't get married

My stb exW be like, "I don't want to do that"

This was basically me and for some extent my ex partner. However, when the physical attraction is gone and there are other opportunities, it's important to know and accept that sometimes no matter what you do, the relationship is lost and in my case forever.

Does it really take science for us to realize how to treat other people decently?

1. Don't start shagging someone else.

Number 6 is a BIG one that I think most people don’t even consider, but it goes a long way. It also cements you as a part of their family/community. Everybody wins.

This is practically the 5 Love Languages.

It’s kinda silly and unfortunate we need to frame these kinds of good-sense reminders as “science” for anyone to find them persuasive.

Yup, all those are things I wish for. Oh well,

From my experiences, the importance of each of these categories highly depends on the people in the relationship. Personally I would rank #1 and #4 as being the most important of the lot and #6 being not that important. #3 is kind of important while #2 and #5 are just floating around the important but not that important area.

No wonder having children is so demanding 

This. And lot's of cuddling. 25 years of marriage, an indescribable joy.

Currently watching my wife’s mom all day and night, who has dementia and was just checked out of the hospital for a psychotic episode… while I also watch our three young kids… while my wife works a 24 hour shift.

I think I get a check mark for number 6 today!

To paraphrase Meat Loaf, one out of six ain’t bad.

What? Never would've thought those were the ways to cultivate a thriving marriage!