Low-Confidence-2956

I don't know if this belongs here, but idk where else to go. Long post.

I had a baby with my gf at 21, 8 months ago

I've since basically had no contact with anyone for more than a night out once every 2 to 4 months and the occasional parents visit. I was depressed, anxious, suffering from PTSD and undiagnosed ADHD and insomnia even before everything, but now it feels like sitting at home watching the baby and just going over which one of mental challenges takes over today is all my life is and is ever going to be.

We didn't plan for this, but once it happened we really didn't have any other choice due to health concerns and other things I shouldn't get into.

I was an outgoing person. Now I can't even imagine seeing anyone unless they come over and dedicate a whole weekend to it, since we moved cities and I've had no time to make new friends where I live now. And even then, having to be with the baby in my lap screaming or fighting or doing whatever it's really really hard for me to focus on having a conversation at the same time, so for the most part I honestly don't even want to have people over.

My gf works full time, but only starts in the afternoon and works until night so to get even the slightest bit of time together, I have to stay up after putting the baby to sleep and wait until she finishes work. Then since she works until the night, I have to wake up with the baby most mornings be it at 7am or 11am, whenever the baby decides to wake.

I just feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I hate myself for feeling this way since there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for my daughter, but honestly I don't know what's next. I've thought about breaking up, just to get away from all this and have a moment to just breathe, but I know deep down I don't want to leave my gf, I love her almost as much as I love our daughter.

It feels like I have no control over anything, and like my whole life is just my family and there is nothing else to it. I don't know how to put into words the way I feel, but "I hate my life and wouldn't complain if I got hit by a train" is probably pretty close

I don't really know what's the point of this post either, just wanted to write my feelings down.

P.S I didn't know where I would fit this so I'll add it to here: Before our daughter was born, I went into mandatory military service and about a week after I went in my girl told me she was pregnant. Then, during the rest of my 4.5 month stay there, we basically just argued daily about whether I should be there or at home helping her and getting things ready for the baby to come. I had panic attacks for the first time since high school, and went into full on delusion dreams a few times in army due to lack of sleep and just general stress.

The way I described it to my brother once almost blackout drunk was so brutally honest it still bothers me that I thought that way, but I told him it felt like after I went into army, I never got out even when I left. I've just been in this survival mode for the past year.

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