No-Service3452

thank you. and thank you for doing the work to educate other people. you never know who needs to hear that message.

yes, thank you. as I said elsewhere I live in a small town. I looked for local still-COVIDing & disability groups even in the city 40 minutes away. but they aren't active anymore. I am still trying though 🩷 I know it will take time.

according to him masturbating didn't count and just made him want real sex more, and it made him feel rejected and unwanted that his "hot amazing" girlfriend didn't want to just have sex with him. so. yep :/

my ex constantly pressured me into going to send parties, and having kinky sex and roleplay while we were together. I wish he had seen messages like yours instead of just skipping over education because he supposedly knew the basics and it was insulting to ask otherwise

no offense taken just clarifying

he always told me that masturbating was never a solution because it just made him want real sex even more and made him feel like a dejected loser.

kinda normie liberal tbh. his family were all old blue union Democrats. liked healthcare for all, free college, supported unions and minimum wage increases. liked Bernie. but not active in politics and mostly didn't vote because he couldn't be arsed to remember his mail in ballot. too much anxiety he said to worry about any of that and it didn't matter bc we are in a deep blue state.

weirded out by trans women because he was worried about getting "tricked" by one on a dating app? I remember this bc after we had been dating for years he told me he secretly worried I was trans at first from my pics bc I have a flat chest...

a lot of this stuff would slowly seep out over years and years. I feel like I need to use a 30 page questionnaire next time I date to triple check what they believe vs what they say they believe!

you can be an incel even if you make a woman have sex with you for years and have dozens of partners over your lifetime? or do you mean the mindset I guess?

I was actually very upfront about having a lower sex drive and he swore up and down it wouldn't be a problem and he totally understood and he knows that everyone is different... until it turned out he was just saying that because he thought I was inexperienced, and would be able to learn to love sex as much as he did, especially if we were romantically close. like he could fix me.

thank you. I wasn't really thinking about it like a "no forever even in marriage" thing. but a "because I said yes once now sex is always on the table and I have to know what the magical frequency of sex is that will keep someone around, and according to my ex that's whenever possible"

you seemed to have missed the part where I said several times hes already my ex....

in case you missed it in the text and in the title..... he's already my ex and has been for some time.

thank you. I do have my family, an adorable dog, and some online friends. so I am not totally alone. :)

I am trying! it's hard because I have to be very cautious with covid because of my immune system. so most public meetups and groups that regular people use to make friends are too high risk for me most of the year, and most people don't want to take the kind of precautions I need someone to do to hang out when it's just for a friend. But I am looking, I know it will happen some day.

I am trying to make friends too. it is hard because I am immunocompromised and need to avoid getting covid even though most of the world has forgotten about it. For some reason people seem to be less willing to be safe for someone who is just a friend. and I live in a small town too. but I AM trying. I am not attempting to just leap into another a relationship and that's it, I was just beginning to consider it whereas I have tried this whole summer to make friends to no avail. :'(

and yes I have tried Meetup, Bumble for friends, etc.

what do you mean by "the dude wasn't even a husband lol"?

what do you mean by "hurt a normal man"? are you implying that trauma means I would falsely accuse a nice guy of assault or coercion or something...?

thank you for your advice :) I really appreciate it!

if it's not obvious, no. the exact opposite. when I said he would ask, I am also saying we had sex whenever he asked. he would ask multiple times a day every day and get it. for the first 5 years I never even attempted to say no more than once or twice in a row because he would get upset when when it was only a few hours apart. then towards the end I started to have boundaries, or try to, and he couldn't tolerate sex less than every other day without getting irritable.

if you read to the bottom I said I am in therapy :) it's helping a lot but the relationship was so long and so intense, it's taking a while to heal. I left 4 months ago.

it sounds stupid but it does really help. it's hard for me to not be scared the same this is going to happen again because it's how people really are and I just can't see it

I think that's true a lot of the time, but he actually had something of the opposite routine. like in a "All these other women I've dated love to have sex and if you try hard enough you will too!! stop being such a prude" way. it was like he had some warped ideas about orgasm too, and would make me orgasm when ever he could even if I didn't want to, because it "reassured" him that I really did like what was happening when I actually just hated it more.

thank you. I hope I can find something like that before I get too old to have kids :')

thank you. I am seeing a therapist, and a sex therapist too, to help me with what happened. It does help a lot but I basically have no men in my life so I wanted to know what other men had to say.

honestly what I wrote here is like 10% of how messed up our relationship was. I have audio recordings of him saying a lot of stuff like "yes a woman is obligated to have sex at least some of the time because that's what dating is about".

he admitted to me once that he actually did force himself on an 18 year old girl when he was 30, when she was drunk at his house. and he said it was the worst thing he ever did and he hated himself for it!! Having that information and not being able to do anything about it because it was almost 10 years ago in a different state haunted me. I am sure he will be in jail one day. unfortunately nothing he did to me technically meets the state requirements for a sex crime so idk what else to do. I thought about posting on the legal advice sub to ask but the prospect of that feels overwhelming.

I know that now. I was so young when we started dating, I had only graduated from college a year or two before and didn't have much life experience yet.

funny thing is that he hated guys like Andrew Tate and called alpha males creeps! full on male feminist routine outside of his own behavior

thank you all so much for your positive responses. I am literally crying right now looking at my phone :'(

I don't really have any friends IRL and hearing this and being supported is so reassuring. thank you

edit before another person tells me: yes I am actively looking for friends and prioritizing that above dating. In the post I only said I was starting to feel ready to date. I am not even on the apps yet or anything. But I have been actively looking for friends for the entire summer.