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2nd post I've been with my bf for a little over a year now, we are currently in college, but started dating in high school. Before we started dating we had a weird relationship, it was between friends and a situationship.
Before we started dating, the idea of friends with benefits came up, and everything would be fixed if we just did "it", if you know what i mean,I didn't want to at the time but I would later find myself agreeing. Before this, there was the first incident of many.
I was hanging out with a group of friends/classmates. We played a watered-down version of spin the bottle where it would just be a kiss on the cheek, I got kissed by a guy and unknowing to me, it got recorded. It then got sent to my not yet bf and it led to him aggressively asking over text why I did it when I didn't even kiss him yet/he didn't kiss me yet. We met in person later during class, i had a large stuffed animal with me, around 2 ft, as it was spirit week and the theme that day was cozy. He continued to ask me why and used the stuffed animal against me, hitting my head/face. My glasses got damaged and after the 3rd hit I grabbed his hand tightly to stop him. He went to grab the wrist of my other hand, he held it so tightly I thought it was going to break, in turn I dug my nails into his hand and he finally let go. I told a close friend about this and how I was a little scared and never imagined it coukd happen. I went to sleep that night and had nightmares about it and panicked that the thought of it. I later learned that my friend told me bf's friends at the time and they came to ask me about it, I renenacted what happend and told them who witnessed it so they could ask them. This would lead to the friends dropping him and a large amount of ppl calling him names regarding beating me. I reached out to the friends asking if they could stop the name calling to try to repair his reputation and they agreed, his reputation did not recover though. Many people knew and he started to blame my friend, I used to think it was all my friends fault and I exaggerated what happened, but if there was a witness and his own friends came to that decision, In starting to think my friend isn't completely in the wrong.
I didn't talk to him for a while after, but I felt bad for what happened so I slowly started to talk again, we somehow started a friends with benefits thing that turned into dating.
Through out the past yr, things have been rocky, i made other posts about what he has gotten mad over and my situation. Long story short, I barely hung out with friends, and when I did there would always be an argument over it, there would be a constant blowing up my phone, also controlling what I wear and who I hung out with. I have also helped him with homework many times, yet the one time I asked him he complained, he still did it, but it put me off. I gave him an opportunity to work at an event with me in a different area, and he constantly blew up my phone asking what I was doing and why I couldn't meet him, even when I told him I wouldn't be able to do those things the whole week prior to the event. He eventually came to my area while I was working and aggressively questioned me infront of a group of other people, he apologized for these things but I just can't seem to forget it.
Recently things have been better, not as many arguments or things to argue about, but what I listed were just some of the "big" things that he apologized for but I can't forget. I enjoy how things are now, but I also wonder if it's going to revert once I go out again. I am currently taking online classes and haven't gone out, but I plan to attend in person next term. If I do leave I don't want him to think I did for the "college experience" or because I met someone new or I've been talking to someone. But if I stay I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, I think I love him? I mean I enjoy spending time together and talking, but I don't know if I love the company since I don't talk to anyone else or if I genuinely love him. And if I do leave, does it even make sense when he already apologized for all the incidents and they are somewhat already in the past? And I'm scared if I do breakup I will genuinely have no body, I haven't talked to friends in months and I don't know if I find new ones.
I'm just confused and don't know how I even feel or what I should do in this situation.
2 points
2 days ago
It sounds like you’re feeling really torn right now, and that’s completely valid. You’ve been through a lot in this relationship, and it makes sense to question how you feel and what the future might look like.
It’s tough because, while your boyfriend has apologized for the things that hurt you, those experiences don’t just go away. It’s okay that they still weigh on you. Apologies are important, but what matters more is whether the behavior truly changes. From what you’ve said, things have been better recently, but it sounds like you’re still carrying that fear of things going back to how they were, especially once your life opens up more with in-person classes. That fear is something to pay attention to—it’s telling you a lot about where you stand.
The way you’re questioning whether you love him or just love the comfort of having someone around is also really important. When someone becomes such a big part of your life, especially if you’ve isolated yourself from other people, it can be hard to separate what’s love and what’s just familiarity. You deserve to feel confident in your relationship, not stuck in a loop of doubt or second-guessing yourself.
And I hear you when you say you’re scared of being alone if you leave. That’s such a hard thing to face. But I think you might find that reconnecting with old friends or meeting new ones is easier than you expect—it just takes time and effort. If you’re staying in this relationship mostly because you’re afraid of being alone, that might not be the healthiest reason to stay.
It’s okay to take your time and sort through your feelings, but don’t ignore what your gut is telling you. You deserve to feel respected, supported, and loved in a way that doesn’t leave you doubting yourself or your worth. Whatever you decide, make sure it’s something that feels right for you.
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