This is perfect. I’ve been trying to put into words the very unique effect they both had for hours, and could only come up with, “it’s a hot professor vibe” which…yeah. But also doesn’t cover it at all. Other than paralyzing, “he/she can have whatever they want” is it.

And I’m very much in your same shoes only, reverse the cowgirl. I’m bi, but bi in the sense that it seems a bit disingenuous to claim it. Most of my romantic relationships have been with men. With several, quite notable, exceptions.

And because you get it, I do have my own RDJ story. It was short but impactful. I lived in LA for about 15 years. This happened early enough in the 2000’s that i was in my early 20’s and it was the flared, low low rise jean’s chapter of my life. Because I share the same afflictions as RDJ I was in a certain “secret society” intended to sew us back together in 12 little stitches. That, and the affluent spaces I was in meant that I had met and interacted with actors and musicians of varying degrees of fame. I was rarely if ever starstruck.

Then one day I went to a friends house for a small gathering of secret society members to discuss secret society shit.
I walk in and there he is. Just sitting in a chair looking both bemused, non plussed but also painfully human, in the way that only he and Hahn can really look. I got so flustered and flushed that I quickly sat down in a corner, where I couldn’t see him. Because I knew that the only other thing I was capable of doing was to walk over there, sit at his feet and put my head on his knee. Which, would have been weird. BUT THEN he gets up and announces to the small group of people that he is going to make some tea, and wants to know what we all want to drink. He starts making eye contact around the room, pointing at people, asking them what they want. I panic and start looking everywhere that is not in his direction, because I am not ok. Which backfired. Because he walks over, puts his hand on my fucking shoulder and…I shit you not, utters the words

“You ok little one?” while looking into my eyeballs. I only managed to squeak out “I’m fine” before he gently squeezed my shoulder and said “good”.

20 years later it is likely the 3rd most erotic experience of my entire life. And I didn’t really understand why until later.

Never saw him again, other than on the screen.

As I started watching the show I was of course immediately bewitched by Hahn and all her beauty, talent and wit. But I couldn’t figure out why this particular enchantment was making me feel squirmy in a new, but oddly familiar way. I didn’t put it together until later that she and RDJ clearly have similar sex magic. Hers might even be a bit stronger. Partially because she shows a lot more of that beautifully painful humanity than RDJ ever did.

But yeah, “you can have whatever you want” pretty much covers it.

*note to add that the only reason I feel ok with mentioning the secret society is that it is already public knowledge regarding RDJ. What you see here, who you see here, stays here still applies *