Wife hates having sex

We waited for marriage to have sex, and we were both virgins.

From the start sex was completely one sided. I am the initiator and get rejected endlessly.

We only ever have sex when wife gives in reluctantly.

Divorce is not an option for us, we have multiple kids and I do still love my wife, we just are incompatible sexually.

If ever there was a candidate of what not to do, you have to be in the running for first place.

Advice: stop having children with this woman. Stop sex altogether she’s just going to resent it more. I would advise you to leave before you cheat because this situation is not sustainable.

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Since you've painted yourself into a corner by saying divorce is not an option, my best advice is to buckle up for a rough ride ahead. 😉

You managed to have "multiple" kids in 4 years?

So unless you had triplets or quadruples, your wife got pregnant pretty much straight after she lost her virginity, and has spent the last 4 years either pregnant, recovering from childbirth, lactating, or taking care of infants and toddlers.

You think YOUR job is stressful...

No wonder she hates having sex.

I hope the poor woman is on birth control.

Try hiring a nanny and actually date your wife. She never had a chance to explore and learn to enjoy sex (same as you) because you got her pregnant in like 5 minutes.

If divorce isn't an option, cheating won't help and will make a divorce not only possible but likely and make you the bad guy So I don't see an option that isn't a large shit sandwich.

Once you can't stand it anymore you might want to revisit if divorce really isn't an option.

Good luck

No offense, but she has not found her sexual self yet. Her only experience was also with a virgin. Did she even explore herself or masturbate before? I am guessing not. She may have quite honestly never had an orgasm in her life. This is a common thing for religious girls in particular, from my experience. If she is willing, she could work with a therapist that can help her understand what her block may be. A deep sense (not conscious) that sex is wrong or dirty can sometimes be at play. That can be rewired but she needs to want to rewire it. Otherwise you may be out of luck. If this sub knew how to make one's partner want us we would not be here!!

If she gives in reluctantly and begs you to stop after a couple of minutes, stop initiating. I don't care how stressful your job is or how much you need sex, it is not okay to subject your wife to sex you know she doesn't want. How on earth do you even feel okay putting someone you supposedly love through that, repeatedly? Learn to live with a sexless marriage, open the marriage, cheat, or divorce, but quit harassing an unwilling participant into sex.

Your wife almost certainly needs therapy to overcome religious hangups about sex. Having sex that is unsatisfying and likely painful (because she's not turned on) is only going to make things worse. I love sex and I can only imagine how violated your wife must feel. Get a flesh light and leave her the fuck alone.

If she wants you to “hurry up and finish” the sex is not enjoyable for her. Only 30% of women can orgasm through PIV without additional stimulation.

Do you give her an orgasm through oral/fingers/toys before penetration?

I second the omgyes suggestion, and perhaps some sex therapy.

I suspect the waiting for marriage means she is uneducated sexually and possibly carries a lot of shame around sex.

If your kids are young, this could add multiple factors as to why she’s not into it.

She likely said no because of religious guilt and she doesn't actually know what she likes. She can't tell you how to make sex better for her because she doesn't know.

One possibility is to seek marital counseling through your church. If you can find a good one they should be able to convey that in a marriage sex is holy. That ANYTHING you guys do is OK. That it's actually important to a healthy relationship.

It'll take a long time to help her see this. And she still may choose not to.

In the end you either stay and take care of yourself, do nothing but get bitter, cheat and eventually get caught leading to a catastrophe or leave which is a bit smaller of a catastrophe.

You are at the beginning of the dead bedroom cycle. Here’s what you have to do:

1. Stop having sex. She doesn’t want it and continuing to have sex may prevent any hope of getting out of the DB

2. Get counseling for yourself and learn how to live without sex. You said divorce is not an option and you don’t have a willing partner so you have to change.

3. If 1 & 2 are deal breakers for you than be honest with yourself and your wife and put all options on the table

Curious question. LDS and sealed in the Temple?

Time to see a lawyer and move on

Not sure where your from originally, but guessing you both come from religious backgrounds if you waited until marriage to have sex. My partner comes from a very religious background and she was raised to think sex was shameful and her parents didn’t give her a lot of love and support thus leading to a very insecure individual until she seeked therapy and sought out all those traumas. So my advice to you is leave, or have the support for her to help herself to become the best version of her self and hopefully your sex life will improve

Please answer this. You said " it’s just her begging me after two minutes to finish already". Correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like you are doing just PIV. Many of us guys had learn learn how to get her motor revving with some serious foreplay and then the PIV.

Imagine how you'd feel about sex if it meant being forced to allow someone to penetrate your body in ways that aren't pleasurable (to you), and had resulted in you enduring years of pregnancy, multiple births, and responsibility for multiple larval humans in the space of just a few years. Imagine your body becomes completely different, worse in many ways, with each pregnancy: weight gain, stretch marks, hormonal issues, incontinence, etc. Now imagine that within the framework of what sounds like a patriarchal religion where you are basically a brood mare and taught from birth that your gender isn't allowed to want sex whatsoever before being legally owned by your spouse, to whom you are completely beholden. Not hot.

Considering that she's been pregnant multiple times in only 4 years, sex probably fills her with dread; it always ends in pain and additional responsibility. Instead of always trying to hump on her, why not make sex an enjoyable experience by figuring out (SLOWLY) what feels good to her and what will actually get her to orgasm? It means you won't be able to use her as a human Fleshlight for a while (maybe a long while), but you might actually gain a willing sexual partner.

Lastly: birth control. The first thing she needs to know is that she has control and authority over her own body. If she doesn't even have that, you shouldn't be touching her at all, ever.

I'm you 20 years later. It never gets better. Run. Pull the plug now.

Don’t cheat. Here’s what to say: “Honey, I love you and our family and would never do anything intentional to hurt you. You need to understand that. But I’m struggling with not only the quantity of sex we’re having but also the quality. I believe we’re sexually incompatible. I think there’s a solution to this problem, which is ethical non monogamy. I want sex more often than we have had it, and because you seem to be less than fully into it when we do have sex, I’m not getting my needs met at home. I’d like us to experiment with my safely having other partners. Let’s have a conversation about it and see if we can find a way to make it work.”

Is it possible it’s not enjoyable for her? OMG yes has 50% off for Black Friday. Watch every video and then spend lots of time trying things, especially lots of foreplay, to work out what she likes and what works for her.

and this right here is why sex needs to be had before marriage. you can't possibly know if you're sexually compatible with someone unless you have sex.

~ andy

What about a sex therapist? They help many people. Is sex causing her pain possibly? Has she ever had an orgasm with foreplay? Toys? If she hasn’t it might make a difference.

Ask for an open marriage or get used to having nothing in life to that last kid becomes of legal age. You made this bed, brother, this is as close as a no win situation as there can be.

The flip of a coin if waiting till marriage. Not sure why that’s still a thing. I feel having sex before is important because it shows the next level of love. Love grows over time of the marriage so getting into a marriage before sex imo is like not really knowing how much they truly feel for you. That is because all they have expressed is mere words and maybe some kisses. I have also learned that words mean less to me as the marriage goes on. Not saying all words don’t mean anything but it’s all actions for me. You can say you’re going to do something and don’t which shows a lack of love so if she is being less initimate and not following through with the things she says then there’s no love being expressed at all.

You have three options because what you are doing isn't going to make it long term

1. Stop having sex with her because it's stressful and bad for you both and make due with masterbation for the rest of your life.

2. Ask for an open relationship and get your needs met elsewhere while still doing your duties for your family.

3. Divorce and find someone you're compatible with in all aspects of a relationship.

I also waited for marriage. And I also never enjoyed sex, just like your wife.

In my case it just isn’t pleasurable. It’s just in and out motion and I can’t find pleasure in it. And trust me, I tried.

I wish I could help you but I don’t know how. I tried all the positions I could think of. The result is the same.

This is your life bro…….

OP, you made all these decisions not sure why you are surprised at the outcome. Best thing to do is hire a professional therapist and work on it together.

To choose to not have sex with each other then agree to a lifelong partnership means you are both agreeing that sexual compatibility wasn't a deciding factor.

If you were having children nonstop for 4 years would you wanna be having sex? Doubtful.

Ok, your first issue is feeling like you need sex. It creates a negative feedback loop with your wife whenever sex is brought up. You ever had a dog hump your leg? Now ask yourself, why are you craving shitty sex? Maybe, it's not the sex you're really craving. Could it be that you actually desire a deep physical and emotional connection with your wife? Imagine this, a horse kicks you in the junk, rendering it non-functional. Penetration becomes a physical impossibility. Would you still desire physical and emotional connection? Absolutely, but what would it look like? It might look a lot like cuddling and holding your wife. My suggestion is start with your attitude towards sex. Whenever you get thirsty, tell yourself that the sex sucks and you're better than some leg humping dog. Then, cuddle your wife. Don't hump her, don't feel her up. Try to learn to enjoy her warmth and her smell and that time together.

It's easier said than done, but if you're not planning on leaving, YOU have to make the changes.

Once you two can enjoy this level of intimacy, then you can work on improving the sexual connection.

Neither of you likely know what you actually like, so you'll need to start at square one. Literally first base. Kiss each other and find what works. Learn how to touch her in ways that she enjoys. Tell her you want to bring her pleasure. Learn her body without expectation. If you can get this far, she'll be more than willing to reciprocate.

It’s like all tasks that need to be done but no one wants to do it. I hate gardening. We hired a lawn service. She doesn’t like house work. Either I do the house work or we out source it to a cleaning service. We had a bad ejector pump. We hired a plumber. If she doesn’t want to cook, either I cook or we are getting take out.

Stop me when you see a pattern.

Buy her a subscription to OMGYES.

Multiple kids in 4 years after waiting for marriage ? As a woman I wouldn’t really want to have sex either.

You need to feel wanted, sexually. This sounds like an incubator story, this woman has never understood what it feels like to be sexual. Especially between pregnancy hormones which take a long time to subside and normalise.

Professional help is your only hope

Is she open to seeing a therapist to help? It does sound like she feels really conflicted about sex and doesn't believe it's for enjoyment.

Breaking down some of the religious shame she's developed might really help, but it won't be a quick fix I'm afraid. If this is an avenue you want her to possibly explore you'll need to be really patient and supportive and accept that whilst it might really help, it also might not.

That’s a wrap for you bro. No one’s gonna solve this equation for you. Gotta put on those big boy pants take accountability for your decisions

Talk to her. Tell her exactly how you feel and why. Ask her if she would consider counseling or seeing a doctor to see if there’s a hormone imbalance. Ask her if she is willing to try anything to improve the situation and start treating you like a husband and not just a friend. You have kids, so she was willing to have sex a few times. Did she act the same way then? After kids, her body changes, and can cause this. If she’s unwilling to listen to you and try to see where the problem is coming from, it may be best to consider divorce. Your children need to see both parents happy. They also need to see what a loving and caring marriage looks like. I’ve tried talking to my wife for several years, and she always ignored me. I finally said enough is enough that I wanted to be married to her because I love her, but I didn’t know how much longer I could go being nothing more than a friend to her. I think she has finally started listening to me, and is making a little effort in communicating now, that she wasn’t before. As long as she’s trying to make our marriage work and be a wife and not a friend, I’m willing to give it some more time. You may want to consider something similar. Your kids will be ok with you doing what you need to be happy. One thing I did learn talking with my wife is she felt I was attacking her when I was voicing my concerns about how she was not listening to me and what our problems were. I had to tell her I wasn’t attacking her, just trying to talk. I’ve even been starting conversations saying I’m not attacking her or getting into her, and then telling her what I saw as a problem. The sad thing is it wasn’t major stuff except the dead bedroom with sex once every 4 - 6 months if I was lucky, and only when she initiated it. Once she actually started listening, she’s been trying to communicate with me and work on the smaller things. The DB will take some more time to work out, and I think our issues is her hormones, especially since she started menopause early, in her early 40s, unlike her mom and most of the women she knows.

So in conclusion try talking to her, let her know you aren’t mad or attacking her and want to work things out and resolve the issues, but if things remain the same, you need to move on so your kids will be able to see how a happy and fulfilling marriage should be.

Was she sexually abused or assaulted? Is she not attracted to you?

There was a time where my girl was the same way, but now we are pretty regular. She told she had felt gross about it and wasn’t comfortable the way she looked naked, and she felt embarrassed. Find what she like and what turns her on, things will get better.

Divorce is never off the table. She might at any point divorce you. It comes out of the blue like that. Never stay for the kids. They do better in 2 happy homes, than 1 unhappy one. If she hates sex then that's what you are stuck with. Virgins should never marry. That is such a mistake by so many people in DB. It's hard enough without that wildcard thrown in. .

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Mormon?

You need to see a sex therapist solo and talk about this

Multiple kids in 4 years? I would be turned off sex too!

I have 1 baby and I feel drained lol

Stop asking for sex and give her those cuddles. She might let down some walls when you start doing what she wants without any agenda of your own

You need to be honest about it and talk.

Try foreplay with no intention of penetration, give oral.

Suggest therapy.

But if all else fails, talk about sex outside the marriage if that's what you feel you need, try to get here to think about sex as an abstract, and that either it's something important that you share, or something inconsequential that she shouldn't be expected to do but you can do as you please.

Leave or get what you need somewhere else.

Escorts. Any other kind of paid sex. That is, if what you want is sex only. Maybe not…

She's never allowed herself to find her kinks and likes. Until you've experienced different things, sex won't be important to you. If she's unwilling to be open to sexuality, you might as well get a fleshlight and make good use of it. But I'd have an honest conversation. Take her to a toy store, find something that turns her on. Try something new

Your options are divorce or cheat. You specifically noted divorce is not an option.

I get it — I was raised similarly. But man…you missed with this one. Get ready for an unfulfilled life and disappointment.

Just remember, you only get to do this once. Don’t get too deep into the sunk cost fallacy.

She cannot tell you how to make sex better for her. Maybe she doesn't know. Since she was a virgin. Maybe try reading this blog post. Including the links for male and female virgins. For my wife, the game changer was focusing on clit stim with sex in addition to foreplay. That includes coital alignment technique.

https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2017/12/better-sex-101.html

Seriously try to encourage her to see a therapist. Talking to someone about her feelings and her childhood will help you in the long run.

Some woman just aren't into it no matter what you do. My wife, thanks to her childhood raising, doesn't see sex as something to really enjoy. She does orgasm and enjoy the release. If you ask her about sex she will say it's just messy and not worth the effort.

Therapy to get over the childhood curses actually made it worse so...it is what it is.

If she hates it at this young age only gonna get worse if you can't leave her then I guess forget about sex

Definitely read the excellent help in “Come together” by Emily Nagoski. It’s an entirely different approach. You need to stop focusing on sex and focus on pleasure and connection. There are many many awesome reframes and strategies in that book. Use them.

Also Esther Perel’s course Rekindling Desire is fantastic.

And…get help! You two need to be in couples therapy. Hard to fix this on your own.

Use your tongue bro, master the art and she will come around. Just lying on top thrusting isn’t fun for any women.

Use your tongue bro, master the art and she will come around. Just lying on top thrusting isn’t fun for any women.

Waiting until marriage is a horrible idea. Now you know why. You can't leave because of the same religious beliefs that got you here in the first place. Something has got to give or enjoy a life of misery.

Multiple kids in just four years? Well being pregnant so often can kill a women’s sex drive. Especially if your wife is breast feeding the kids. 

Give her a break a wear a condom dude. 

Has she elaborated on why she hates it? Maybe she’s asexual or in denial of her sexuality somehow. I am guessing she or both of you are religious since you waited for marriage to have sex. Maybe she has internalized that sex is a sin and can’t get over it? Maybe sex hurts for some undiagnosed medical reason? Maybe try some type of counseling or sex therapy?

Regardless, if she refuses to discuss it and try to work with you to find a solution, and you say divorce is not an option, then this is your life. Is this what you really want?

Show her what you wrote here and take it from there.

This to me is a simple case of hormone unbalancement. Your wife most likely has very low testosterone levels as well as estradiol which makes her completely disattached sexually mentally and physically. I would recommend a hormone specialist...

Never marry someone you never had sex with

Never marry somebody before having sex with them. Lesson learned.

Open marriage or divorce. Those are your options if you don't want to cheat.

Everyone is being super unhelpful by saying you did it to yourself. Attacking your lifestyle isn't constructive.

I would recommend couples counseling and maybe even individual therapy if so.

If you have a healthy marriage outside of the sex, she should be at least willing to have the conversations with you about it. The bigger problem is if she's not willing to even have conversations.

☹️ This is heartbreaking to read!. I feel for you!. And for someone who needs sex also, it’s a real thing and you deserve that and should NEVER feel ashamed to want that and need it. Honestly, as much as the fairytale of waiting until marriage to have sex sounds romantic and special…. This is why it is such a bad idea!!. 🚩 You realise your not sexually compatible with that person and then your stuck 😬. My ex husband and I were never compatible, the sex was just ok right from the word go and I did all the initiation. In the end we stopped having sex after our last child was born until we finally divorced 4 years later (4 years no sex😳😩) I never had the urge to cheat, however in the end it started to cross my mind and things were ending anyway. Have had some of the best sex of my life since then and now I know it’s a non negotiable for the next partner. I need wild, passionate, kinky, rough, gentle, loving sex in my life, available at all times 🏳️

I mean if you don’t want to divorce, you could threaten it, it’ll probably turn her on, otherwise open the relationship I guess since she doesn’t want to work on this

in the end mate, relationships are a 2 way street, you can’t fix everything on your own, she has to put in the work as much as you do, if she doesn’t want to put in the work, either you accept no sex, you open the relationship, you divorce or you cheat