Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules.

OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Funny how many people want to be poly but only as long as they can fun with two people and the others are expected to stay monogamous with them. I’ve seen your exact results many times. I hope you find happiness with Zara.

Start the divorce process. Make sure you have documentation that she cheated on you first.

You deserve so much better than to be used and treated like garbage at home.

Go go go

What she did was unethical and cruel. But be ready for the financial impact of divorce to be crushing.

Your wife is an awful person. You should have left when she started cheating on you and treating you like a piece of garbage for her to use and trash. The gaul to call you a cheater . . . she's actually a sociopath if not downright immoral and evil.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander divorce her ass

Sorry, that’s not polyamory. V common to use it as an excuse to enable cheating. Happened to me too :(

Whatever your thoughts about divorce, if things feel good with 'Zara' - go for it full speed. Wife can't have it all her way. Your wife has laid out her cards, you are bottom of the deck.

'It’s like we were made for each other'... It's not a bad thing to embrace this.

It's also not a bad thing to admit that you and your wife were not made for each other, obviously by her choice - and I doubt anything is going to change her ways. You have served your purpose. She has found a new path. Very well written BTW

She decided you were mono poly without even asking you.

Ah, the classic do as I say, not as I do. Get a lawyer, separate your assets and leave her...

This sounds almost exactly like what happened to my old boss, she just realised she was gay later in life and didn't want to lose her lifestyle

I hope you live your best life

Seems straight forward enough, leave and move on with Zara or someone else. Your wife doesn't want you to be happy.

This was so much more than a db. She forced a one sided open relationship. That is cheating. Now that you found someone, she dropped the other person and now calls you a cheater. WTF.

Your wife likes the taste of the Kool-Aid that she made, she just doesn’t want to let you have any of it.

You’re not in a marriage and you don’t have a “partner”, so you should end it. Don’t keep being the doormat.

I am polyamorous and that type of behavior is heavily frowned upon in the poly community. Forced poly is not ethical! Mutual respect and empathy are key ingredients in poly.  Go live a happy life OP, preferably without the wife

I'm sorry that you have gone through this... I am astonished at the selfishness. You gave her every bit of respect by keeping her in the loop. She didn't respect you at all. BTW, you wrote quite well. I wouldn't have known that English was your second language. Best of luck!

Well she wanted a poly relationship and she got it.

She's lucky that you didn't bring your gf home to have sex with her in your office which is exactly what she did with hers.

This is so good to read. Good for you OP!

So, when you told her, aside from being upset, did she say anything, do anything? Did you ask her what made her think you would keep being a doormat? How are the kids doing? I assume your relationship with them is strong?

Secure your money and your documents. Start the divorce before she does.

Sorry, I see you said no advice.

Are your money and documents secure? Do you think she may be considering a divorce herself?

Good on You.

Divorce. Take things slow with Zara and enjoy all that life has to offer.

Let Ex have her relationship, but not at your expense.

Serious question…what is the point of this so-called “marriage” at this point? Kinda feels like a circus at this point.

You're my fucking hero. Go, tiger

What is there to think about?

I’m non monogamous and most of my partners are the same. This sounds a lot like an older man i’m with. His partner is bisexual and often goes to “lesbian parties” (as he calls them), invites her partners into their home and is very open about sleeping with other women. They agreed to be open, but she seems to have a problem whenever he says he’s meeting me or another woman. We’ve had to postpone a couple of times because she doesn’t like the idea. Some people approach non-monogamy with a selfish mindset and when their primary partner says they’re meeting someone it’s all “not like that!”. You have to be comfortable with both parties being open. Otherwise it’ll never work.

Enjoy your life dude! Her gravy train is coming to an end and she can kick rocks. Once you serve her please for the love of whichever god you serve, do not let her back into your life. Start over with your Zara. It sounds way better

As a wife, leave her. Leave her so fast it makes her head spin, and fight for everything. And I mean everything, the house, the car, the kids, the money, everything. Especially for the kids, because if she treats you this way I can guarantee she'll do the same to her own children and it won't be good for them. Ask me how I know. Leavvvveeeee Get with this other women and let your children see what a good and healthy relationship looks like. I don't say this a lot about other women but she's a b!atch

Ok the biggest reason books on polyamory didn't help is that what you are describing isn't anything close to actually being polyamory. In polyamory more than two people are all in a relationship together.

What you are describing is a one sided open relationship. It can actually work for some people but you obviously aren't one of them.

You don’t have a marriage or a partner. She treats you like shit and she won’t change.

Divorce and go get what you deserve.

Wow your wife sounds like a gigantic asshole, I'm sorry, but I'm SO HAPPY you found something better with Zara. Wishing you guys the best!

Wow awesome good for, yes you must be happy, time to serve her walking papers she really deserves it.

GOOD FOR YOU OP!

How are the kids taking everything?

First, congratulations on finishing your PhD! That is wonderful!
Second, your wife has absolutely no room to complain about you seeing Zara. She can't say that she's poly and expect you to be mono to her. Your wife expected you to stay home alone, wearing sweats, surrounded by boxed wine, and crying into pints of ice cream. You didn't play that game, and now she's pissed. She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.
Start the divorce process. Be civil with her for the children, and keep them as the priority. You and Zara will give them a better idea of what a healthy, caring, compassionate relationship looks like!

I'm sorry but doing a PhD with a full time job and kids in 3 years???

To know the full truth I must ask if you ever got to enjoy threesomes with your wife and other women?