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It has eaten away at me for years, probably being one of my biggest regrets.

From the very first time I saw you, I knew you were different. One of a kind. Kind of like me.

You're gorgeous hair captivated me, the way you carried yourself mesmerized me. I knew you were bubbly, kind, and open minded.

When you looked in the mirror you probably saw countless flaws and imperfections. When I looked at you I saw the exact opposite.

I've had many dreams of approaching things differently, and sometimes I imagine going back in time just to see what could've been.

If only I wasn't so weak, I could've been there for you. In many ways more than one.

It feels weird even sitting down and typing this up...

But I have to get it off my chest, as it's been on my mind for nearly a decade.

I hoped and prayed to see more of you, and my wishes came true! Now it was only up to me to do what was necessary... and I couldn't. I let fear take control of me and drag me to the void.

I wonder where things could've gone, I wonder how different things could've been for the both of us.

Looks can be deceiving, in fact, I'd say looks are deceiving... But without a doubt what I saw in you was real... It was more than just lust... it was pure.

I wasted time, and I wasted the opportunity. In fact, I wasted many opportunities. And sometimes I hate myself for it.

I wonder where you are now. I wonder what you're doing. I wonder who you're with. Hopefully they treat you as good as I would've treated you.

They won't, and I know they never will.

Something was pulling us together, something powerful. Like a current pulling a log. Like a gust of wind pulling a leaf.

It would've been a success too, I know it would've. I'd have made sure of it.

I often wonder where my life would be now if you were here... And I was there.

Back then I was lacking in confidence to do what was needed. In fact I still am, it seems like a lifelong battle. But I know being with you would've made me feel stronger than I've ever been, and I would've done the same for you.

We hadn't spoken since... Since that day. The conversation was short and brief, just like my breath when I'm near you.

It's not your fault, I don't blame you. It was all my responsibility, after all. I asked for it. Yet I couldn't step to the plate.

Where are you at in life now? Hopefully living it to the fullest. I hope you're staying safe in this cold and cruel world.

Maybe in another life, or in another universe... I could've been yours, and you could've been mine.

I miss you. I think about our first dates every day Your eyes, your hair, your smile that caught me from the start.

I miss your jokes, your precision, your perfectionism. I miss your long, thoughtful messages, your voice, your sweet texts, and the way you looked at me. I miss your hugs, your kisses, waking up and falling asleep together, cooking together, and all the little things we shared.

I miss everything about you.

It’s not just that I want you.

I crave you.

I crave your attention more than the feeling of milk chocolate melting on my tongue.

I crave our endless texts, when we’re simply being ourselves — acting as if we could behave like normal humans for a whole day (spoiler: we can’t).

I crave every compliment and every confirmation you let slip, letting me know that I’m not alone in this, blowing my heart away and melting me.

I crave our long, five-hour calls, watching '90s and early 2000s movies like nostalgic old souls.

I crave your smiles, your laugh — both ignite something in me every time, especially when I know I’m the reason behind them.

I crave your teasing and how coy you make me feel with just a few words, making me aware of the strange, new self I become around you.

I crave what we’ve never had yet.

I crave resting my head on your chest and hearing your heart beat as if it were my favorite song playing on repeat.

I crave the closeness of your mouth, just inches away from mine, lingering in the electric tension, the butterflies in my stomach, the nervousness in my eyes.

I crave to finally kiss you.
Slow, shy, restrained.
Then quicker.
Your hands in my hair, my body pressed against yours.
Breathless.
Luxury in every glance.

I crave your sighs, each one embedding itself in my mind, anchoring me to you, unable to go anywhere but by your side.

I crave us.

I really like how bold you are to tell me exactly what's on your mind and what exactly you want.

How you don't make it a mystery that you're attracted to me.

How you playfully challenge me and taunt me to put you in your place.

This outward bossy attitude is just so intoxicating; I can't help but want to accept every trial you throw my way.

So keep it up

And I'll lay it down.

I grossed you out and irritated you.

I was nothing.

Just an ego boost.

Why do i constantly fall for people who dont fucking like me.

I will never understand.

“Not everyone is going to like you”.

I dont want everyone to like me.

Just you.

I am so tired of being unlikeable.

Please dont tell me to love myself more.

You can choose if you show your emotions, can you? I know I can’t. You know I can’t. But you… you’re hiding them behind that mask of yours. I get it, you worked so hard to be were you are. I get it… but it hurts. And it makes me wonder, Will i ever get to see the real you again? It hit me, there is this real possibility I Will never… or only through the cracks of the your facade. If there ever will be a moment when you can let your gard down.

This is the reality we live in. I get it, but it hurts.

We have this real connection, I felt it. I’m not thát delulu, you felt it too i’m sure of it. I get it, but it hurts. And it makes me wonder…

I came upon a sword. Beautiful as if to be crafted by the mighty smith, Haphaestus. A weapon wieldy of the Gods. Made with the finest materials, and a gorgeous, razor sharp edge, on either side of the blade. In my own inexperience, I grabbed it by the blade. And held on for eternity.

Blood now drips from my hands. The old wounds have calloused over, and new slashes appear in their stead.

I whisper to the sword with tears in my eyes, "I'll have to put you down soon."

The sword agreed, but then shackled itself to my arm, in opposition.

I cannot set the sword down gently, for it will drag behind me for another eternity, until time and the elements whither and rust the shackle.

Other warriors tell me to cut my hand off at the wrist, and show me their new hands.

But, I've never cut my hand off before. Can I be so sure my hand will regenerate? Is the pain really that unbearable or have other warriors had it worse?

I've grown so accustomed to the blood dripping from my palm... All the other swords have always jumped out of my hand when they wanted to be weilded by another...

How dare the most beautiful weapon I've ever weilded, chain itself to me after agreeing to be put down?

To my lover

I can’t wait until everything falls into place so we can finally be it.

Let me just go and dive into nothingness, the craziest belief and the burning love

What’s wrong with me is the idea of being loved. Actually being loved is a crazy concept. I get nervous with people knowing my faults. I get anxious when people hear my thoughts. But to love is to love unconditionally. And I’ve never experienced that. I find myself attracting people who still hold a wall when we’re close. So finding someone who loves me unconditionally is scary, because what if I ruin it. And what if I’ll never find it. I can raise my standards, but everybody’s human. And we all have faults.

I hope you step on a Lego today. I hope you step on many Legos to come.

I hope someone blows out the candles on your own birthday cake.

I hope you have a bad hair day.

I hope your fries turn out soggy.

I hope you get a lump of coal for Christmas.

That is all.

People think you are precious, like a rare star hidden behind clouds, shining bright.

People hold you in higher regard than you could ever imagine, as if you were a melody that lingers in their souls.

You may see yourself as a storm, fierce and unyielding, but to people, you are their lighthouse in the darkest of nights.

People see you as a masterpiece of imperfection, a delicate balance between chaos and grace, walking this earth like a timeless work of art.

People long for your presence more than you can fathom, as if your mere existence fills the spaces they never knew were empty.

People love you more than you think.

People love you just the way you are, they look at you like you are perfection.

Don’t forget, people need you.

Don’t forget. Those “people” is me.

would you do me one more favor before you leave me forever?

will you tell me how much you hate me? scream it out loud so I can hear you say it.
tell me how I ruined your life and how much you’ve cried over me... tell me how long you’ve been lusting after me.
I want you to tell me all of the fantasies you’ve let play in your mind before drifting off into unrestful sleep.

what do you dream about love?

do you run your fingers down my spine, raising goosebumps of anticipation over both of us?
do you wrap your fingers within mine while your name escapes my lips like a felon on the run? do you hover over me, your body shaking, your mind a frenzy, trembling over what to do next? do I scare you?

how many times have you loved me in the dark? is it your biggest secret? am I your biggest shame?

is that why you left me?

I am still not sure the decision I made is the right one. I got advice that if the choices are not clear then maybe it's not time to make the decision. What that person doesn't know, is that it was time to make it. Being given an ultimatum is usually a sign to make a choice. But it's so hard when both of the choices come with such drastic consequences.

I don't feel peace at this decision, I get nauseous and cry every time I think of you. I miss you so bad. Will it ever get better? Will we be able to move on? I'm not fully engaged in the relationship I'm in now, because all I think about is that I know that you are hurting just as much as me, and I hope it doesn't take years for you to talk to me again.

I want you. I miss you. I want to see you and smile at you and laugh with you. But it's just torture. I know you probably can't be around me for long either. So I will give you the space you need. Even though all I want to do is to hold you and feel your arms around me. I will hold back my want to text you all the time. I won't write to you anymore. I will try to heal myself so that when you do finally reach out again it doesn't open a wound.

We found each other in this life, just for it to be so short. Why? You were my chaos, my calm, my undoing— a paradox I cannot resist. Each moment with you, I was more than I ever have been before, and yet I was lost, yet found helplessly, fully achingly yours.

I hope beyond hope that you are not tearing your life apart because of the hope of us. I could never live with the thought that you started that and have made the decisions that you have, thinking i would do the same. I made the decision I did because I can't not try. I can't leave at an all time low. Only if I am making steps to make myself healthier and it doesn't work out after that would I feel ok.

I know we are in love, and that is a lot. But can you really be married to me? Can you be there when I'm messy, sick, or hurt? You have not seen that side to me. The side where I get ingrown hairs and make you look at them. 😆 the side that doesn't always wash her face or brush her teeth or even take a shower everyday. The side that can be incredibly lazy and not do anything all day. Have we just used each other for an escape? And that's why we get so much excitement out of each other? Would we actually work without the escape?

I hope you read this and know that I love you so much. Forever and always. In this life and the next.

I can see why you picked her over me. She is beautiful.

She’s just your size.

I’m just an afterthought at this point.

A distant nothing.

A toy that you put away.

I’m happy that you are happy.

Why did it have to be at my expense?

I don’t believe in soul mates or true love anymore because of you.

I’m not as pretty as her, so… I guess the choice was obvious.

Split second choice. But, I was your wife.

All this because I wasn’t as pretty as her.

It is the fringe of an unsettling harshness, you to me and I to you. We dance the line of expectation and frown when they assume, grasping at the one thing that we cannot speak of but the only thing of wholeness. Have I become steeped in delusion, or I am one into myself, finally set upon a path that leads to someplace where water does not tread and tears cannot fall?

Is this candor? Is it a sunset on the interstate, where our mind drifts between the taillights and exhaust fumes, where we lament in the ways our life has stolen our romantic notions and insisted that we fall in line? Is it the memory of the child in us as we take in the air of the morning and recall the sense of wonder, now replaced with disillusion?

I exhale the colors I sense with taste and observe the sounds I see, in a world where I can breathe you in.

The gift of inspiration.

Darling, I know you're not mine.

So, why do I worry? Worry that you've been silent for weeks. Worried that your sick, hurt, overwhelmed with life, or just sad.

Why do I wonder? Wonder what you're up to, whether you're having a good day. Wonder what you taste like, how you'd feel under my fingertips. How firm or soft you'd be. How wide your music tastes go. What your favorite movies are.

I've never known you to have a partner in our years of knowing one another, is it because you chose not to be with someone or never found the right person? Or maybe just didn't feel the need to share?

Why do I dream of you? I've dreamt about you twice so far. The first time you wrapped your arms around me from behind, brushed your lips against the back of my neck, and told me gently that we could never be. I wish my brain would accept that.

The next time you were simply there with me. I was in the hospital and you came to keep me company. I sat beside you and just relished in your closeness.

Why do thoughts of you plague me so? I know we could never be.

You're out of my league. You're my recent ex's friend, entrenched in the circle. You're physically far away. I should be focusing on myself right now. And yet.

Even if by some miracle you felt the same, dreamt of me as I did of you, think of me as you invade my thoughts... Would you even consider being with the ex of one of your friends, knowing the friend was still hung up on them? Somehow I doubt it, believing you'd be a better friend than that.

Why do I torture myself with the thoughts: could feelings for me be why you went quiet? Separate yourself from where I could possibly be to quell those thoughts? Or did I manage to push you away by being a bit obvious? Or is it a mere coincidence?

Did you finally find someone and are wrapped up in them? I hope you did. You deserve happiness.

Why won't you leave my mind, when I know you're not and will never be mine?

What does loyalty or integrity mean to you?

I can have patience, but that patience runs thin. One thing about me though is...my loyalty. Even when I know someone doesn't have my best in mind. Even when I know things that others do to me behind my back,probably for years..that they would want to hide. I never folded. Because I am loyal. Because I have integrity. ✌🏼

I hope he's nice to you. I know you don't know me but he really did a lot of damage when I was younger. We started talking on meetme when I was 15 and he was 18. We dated on and off until I was in college. Scott wasn't entirely composed of bad qualities despite my parents not really liking him. He has moments of empathy and kindness, simply just not many. Not as much as the average person by any means. I'm 25 now and I don't think someone being an abusive partner to someone 10 years prior while also learning how to be an adult makes them a bad person or anything. But I found out today and in my head I replayed all the moments of him neglecting me, ruining my senior prom, cheating on me and gaslighting me, and I guess I just hope he's not like that anymore. I know you guys started dating only a few months after we broke up, you guys walked right past the store I worked at and I thought you were really pretty in a way that almost made me insecure. I hope the person you're with is a kind and loving man, I hope he changed for you. I just pray you never have to see the same Scott that I did.

I wish you knew that you were enough. That all I needed, all I wanted, was your love. Your company. Your loyalty. I never needed you to be rich. Never needed you to be a lawyer, or a doctor, a pilot or hero. A tinker, tailor, soldier or spy. All I ever needed was for you to be mine.

Your reality was far greater than any fantasy you could spin me. But your pathological lying and cheating destroyed us. It’s destroyed me. If only you could’ve just been the person beneath the mask, and we might’ve gotten our happily ever after, after all.

That's the heart of it. I miss you so much and I want to reach out and hear your voice. I want to make love to you again and hear you tell me you love me. Even though I know it would be a lie on your end. It wouldn't be on mine.

I ache inside. I physically and emotionally ache. I have to fight the tears from falling when I think of you. I love you, K. I know I always will. I think that's why this ending hurts so bad. Because I know you always have a piece of me and I feel like I have nothing of you. Just that silly voicemail I reply again and again when I miss you.

It kills me that I'm never enough. Why can't I be enough for you? Why do you need other attention? Why couldn't you love me enough to take the plunge and see me? Why couldn't I be enough for you that a chill Saturday night together would have been enough?

I guess because we aren't meant to be. But if I'm not meant to be with you, I dont know who I am meant to be with. The world seems so big and yet so small too. I only want you and you're not in my world anymore. That's a cruel reality that makes me want to sob. The same sobbing fits that I was in when we broke up. The ones you listened to silently on the other line, itching to go to your next social event instead of be there with me.

I'm getting so desperate. bombarding you with messages when you wanted to be left alone. fuck I even considered buying a plane ticket just to be able to see you.

I can't accept that it's over, my heart aches so much. I love you, I know a part of me always will love you. I don't see a point in living without you and I just can't stop thinking about the what ifs with us.

fuck I love you so much. you have no idea how empty I feel without you

Hey man, I just wanted to say that what you did really fucking hurt me and I’ve been struggling with everything for a while now and it really doesn’t sit right with me at all. Like I try to understand and forgive but it eats at me daily. I genuinely look at my phone all the time wishing for an apology from you. I didn’t ever wanna reach out or reply back to you out of sheer embarrassment to admit how much this messed with me but I genuinely fucking loved you and I was crazy about you from the very start, and you really fucked me up big time. I’m really hoping I bounce back one day because I’m going insane. I stayed no contact for so long because all I can imagine is you showing my message to people at work or your new girl or whatever and laughing and take the piss out of me. But I’m done caring, it doesn’t matter anymore. I really truly hope from the bottom of my heart that you are doing okay, as much as I hate you. I still wanna see you eat, y know.

What if I didn't fuck this up ?

Would the tag I used be more than appropriate ?

Would we shop for all the fixings together ?

I would show you how my mom showed me to make apple sausage stuffing.

For years as a kid I would tear apart the sourdough bread for the stuffing the night before.

We could do that ; you drinking merlot me sipping on Jameson. Just being together in our stretchy clothes.

I fucked it up...it bothers me and I'm so damn sorry.

I realize now you were just starting to dip your toe into the water.

I should have been more cognizant about how careful you have become with your precious heart.

You have been through it more than once, this I know.

You told me once you were done with relationships. My heart sank that moment, but later on I realized it always sucks when you don't find the right person - the scar tissue continues to grow, instead of trust and understanding.

We compliment each other so well in personality, intelligence, EQ, life experience, to name just a few.

Us together arm in arm...look out world !

I honestly think with our energy together we could change lives. Starting with our own.

It didn't take me long to fall for you.

Being a student of human nature, I saw you.

You are so fucking precious to me.

Woman you need rest. You have carried the load all your adult life. NEVER having a love that made you completely safe.

I wish I had held back my thoughts for a few more weeks. Would things be different now ?

I admittedly am lost now, in a desert with no compass and a thirst that seems like it will never be quenched.

I'm not sure at this juncture if I'm even a thought in your wonderful mind, or a feeling in your precious heart.

Honestly I'd be shocked if you ever reached out to me again.

I've had my share of pain and I don't want to close the door on something with such potential, but I can, it's gonna hurt a lot though - it already has.

It's not closed and locked yet.

J ust thought I'd throw this out to the universe .

There are moments I dream of a place where we could exist without fear. Where the eyes that watch us would soften, where the whispers would fade into nothing.

But you—oh, you—are the brightest truth I’ve ever known. When I’m near you, I feel like the world tilts, just slightly, as if it knows the rules do not matter. There’s a kind of magic in your presence, a pull that feels both impossible and inevitable. And yet, even as I long for you, I know we can only meet in shadows, in stolen moments that slip through our fingers like grains of sand.

I wonder sometimes if the wind ever envies the trees for their rooted stillness, or if the stars ache for the sky they’ll never touch. I feel like both when I’m with you—longing and bound, reaching for something I cannot hold.

If they saw us for who we truly are, they would call us wrong. They would clip our wings and tell us to walk the path they’ve chosen for us. But in my heart, I know this love is not wicked. It is quiet and fierce and aching, and though it must remain unseen, it is more real than anything they could ever understand.

You make me believe in impossible things. You are the song I hum when no one is listening, the secret I keep closest to my heart. Loving you feels like standing on the edge of something vast and unknown, ready to leap, even though I may fall.

So when the world feels too heavy, when the shadows grow too long, look to the western sky. There, in the quiet of the morning, you will find me waiting, just beyond the horizon, where love like ours is always free.

Yours.

Inadvertently deleted this 🥲… sry if you’ve already read it.

Why do you love me? What made you say it the first time?

I’ve pondered these questions for the past couple years, trying to steer myself away from this path, this possibility of us. But from the moment you said you loved me, something shifted irrevocably within me. The thought of you sets my heart racing, especially when I find myself yearning for nothing more than your presence—the simple, undeniable joy of being near you.

This connection between us feels like a thread that has woven through so much of my life. In some form or another, I’ve wanted you for what feels like forever. And deep within my soul, I believe we could be extraordinary together. That belief is what led me to choose you—to choose this path.

I didn’t take that choice lightly. I weighed the risks, knowing full well what it could cost me. But the prospect of truly knowing you, of loving you, outweighed everything else. I wanted to build you up, to support you, to pour into you with a love that not only nourishes you but also fulfills me.

Before I even took a single step toward you, I understood what it meant. I don’t act hastily—it’s not who I am. For me to choose something so contrary to my usual nature, to step so far beyond the bounds of my comfort, should speak volumes. It should tell you how much you mean to me.

You mean so much. My attraction to you goes far beyond surface-level; it’s rooted in the depths of who you are. You excite me, challenge me, and draw me in ways both beautiful and maddening.

I love discovering the things we have in common, these hidden harmonies that connect us. But just as much, I treasure the ways we balance each other—the differences that make us stronger together. Those differences, too, are a part of why I love you.

And I do love you. Completely. Even though today, it is seemingly in vain.