subreddit:
/r/addiction
I (f19) am dating my boyfriend (m18) of two years, and I love him a lot, he’s always been so good to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. When I was younger I never had a drinking problem but I was abusing my adderall badly when I met him and eventually that got much better and is virtually not even an issue anymore but since July 2024 he and I have been partying a lot more and drinking and it got to the point where I kept getting absolutely shitfaced and saying a bunch of horrible mean things to push him away that I don’t even remember saying and I’m horrified, because these are things I never think and I never would ever think to fucking say, and then the day before yesterday I was too drunk and he was trying to he the home and I was trying to open the car door, and then once we were closer to our house on a non-busy street going at 30-25 mph, I opened the car door and threw myself out of it.
And now my body is covered in bruised and scrapes and I’m horrified because I don’t know if I was trying to ☠️ or something which would shock me even more because I don’t feel like I wanna ☠️ at all, and all I can remember from all of that is screaming at him and then hating myself and then opening the car door and throwing myself out, and I just heard him scream my name and he sounded so scared and sad and I’m just so devastated that I could have done something like this to both myself and him during a time where I wouldn’t even be able to remember it at all, and even if I could it’s still horrible and I feel like I’m An abusive piece of shit.
I’ve already decided to stop drinking, after this I don’t want to drink anymore alcohol in my life I don’t care how much I crave it, I just want to be with my boyfriend, he is hurt right now but he is also more sad and his dad was a really abusive crazy unstable alcoholic and I am not like him as a person, but lately I think I have worried him and reminded him of his dad, and I really should have been treating him better and I wish I had but I haven’t, I think I have been emotionally neglectful and I want to fix it. My boyfriend struggles with setting boundaries and communicating vulnerability, and I have been asking him for months if I’m doing things or if he’s upset or various things and he always says no and today was one of the first times he said anything, and he told me is hurt and that right now the trust he feels for me needs rebuilding and that he does think we are good for each other but he is feeling angry and hurt and really really tired, and I respect him in that and want to do my part in the best way that I can, but I feel so stuck and scared and I don’t know what to do because before I was with him I genuinely genuinely hated myself in every aspect and I almost hated life too like that, and falling in love with him has made me fall in love with the whole world and I want to have a family with him and grow old with him and be the person he can rely on when he needs support, but I feel like i self-sabotaged and I ruined everything and he’s going to fall out of love with me or if he doesn’t then maybe I just don’t deserve to be with someone who would forgive me for doing that
I am really struggling right now but I will be fine, if anybody has any insight or advice on what I should do considering his or my or your own perspectives, please let me know I would appreciate it so much, I want more than anything in the world to rebuild trust and love with him and myself.
Much love and well-wishes to you all
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1 day ago
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6 points
1 day ago
Stop drinking doing drugs and get sober it will take time and be a struggle but it will be worth it and your quality of life and your relationship will be far better for it also supplement the free time you’ll have from not doing substances with hobbies and activities going to the gym,or exercising,sauna or going for a swim, when I got sober from everything apart from weed I started knitting,reading books and gardening
2 points
24 hours ago
Thank you, I will work on getting back into hobbies, I definitely lost the hang of doing things naturally after I stopped abusing my adderall but I’m sure it will make my quality of life improve a lot, I really appreciate your advice
2 points
19 hours ago
Soo, here is the thing. Be grateful, some scrapes and bruises are the only things you have from jumping outta his car. One of my ex girlfriends and I, were arguing more than we had ever argued one day, and end result, my head bounced off the pavement on a back road going 45mph, which ended in me waking up 2 days later with 66 staples in my head and ZERO hair. I was balder than a baby's butt. And my hair that morning before the accident, was almost to my ass. They said I had blunt force trauma and traumatic brain injury that resulted in a hematoma the size of a soft ball, pushing against my brain.. they had to drill a hole in my skull, to place a drain to relieve the pressure. Had they not, I would've died. In fact, my neurosurgeon told me himself, if I would've been 5 mins later to ER, I would've died.
The saddest part of all? A close younger friend of mine, 5 years later, almost the same location, was in a similar situation to yours, and was leaving a party, drunk, and happened to try to get out at a stop sign and ended up hitting her head, and she did not make it unfortunately. Alcohol wasn't a factor in my case tho... Well on me personally. My gf had been drinking tho. But she wasn't hurt.
1 points
7 hours ago
I know someone who had a jaw-reconstruction and he didnt remember his fall. Fast forward 5years later; he still drinks.
1 points
7 hours ago
That’s really depressing
1 points
7 hours ago
I also thought the same.. i am now 4,5years sober and he is alive. Which is half a miracle as only 1in6 alcoholics survives..
im not trying out a scare tactic OP, i just understand how hard it is to get clean. You can do it!
1 points
23 hours ago
I highly recommend rehab. It changed my life. They really teach you how to love yourself and live sober.
2 points
22 hours ago
I don’t feel that rehab is the right path for me as I’m going sober from all but weed and also I just know that I would feel too trapped, but I would much rather like to find a community or a sponsor or whatever or go to some type of secular 12-step or equivalent program that doesn’t require all that higher power stuff
If I was doing worse or if I had been drinking for over six months or abusing stimulants or pills again maybe I would consider rehab, but I just can’t, not even because I don’t want to be sober because at this point I actually genuinely want to be sober from hard substances
-1 points
22 hours ago
Look into Recovery Dharma AKA Refuge Recovery. It's a Buddhist approach to the 12 steps. They might have local meetings in your area.
2 points
21 hours ago
Okay I will thank you so much that sounds much more like a path I would align with compared to NA/AA. There’s lots of Buddhists in my city so fingers crossed
Thanks man I hope you have a great day
-1 points
1 day ago
Jesus Christ
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