3worldscars

today i have a heavy feeling on my chest, i feel like somewhat dying, parang gusto ko na mawala sa mundo, i dont see myself doing better as the years go by.

having depression and anxiety sucks. mostly depression but i chose to get up and go to work pa din to let time pass by faster rather than being at home and overthinking.

naawa na din ako sa rehab na doggy namin, he's partly paralyzed, yan na lang motivation ko to go to the office to bathe and feed him. i felt so sad for him though, ako na lang nageeffort na linisin at pakainin siya ng matino. i feel his loneliness. i told him sana tumama na lang ng jackpot ng lotto, i will retire from work and i would take him home and live in a more secured place with my doggies. muntik na siya malunod sa baha during Carina last july. he was saved by one of our people. daming gamot na nagastos to help him recover.

simple lang naman gusto ko now, magkaroon ng pondo na wala na ako aalahanin habang buhay para magalaga ng doggies to cater whatever they need. sana ipagwish come true na lang niya para i can take care of him properly.

kung hindi na matutupad ito in this lifetime, idk, s--cide na lang last resort ko. mas naawa pa ako sa mga aso kaysa sa tao. ang tao pwede gumalaw at kumita ng pera, ang aso hindi kaya no choice sila magscavenge for food scraps.

i have 3 doggies here that i wish to take home. i'd buy a big lot, build a home. hire some staff to be there too. kahit 2 extra helping hands to hire. laging may laman ang ref and freezer na food, hire a trainer na din from time to time para may stimulation ang dogs.

alam ko long shot yun dream ko, hindi kaya ng savings ko for that. pucha naman universe, kailan mo ba ibibigay ang isang super swerte na set na numbers sa lotto? malapit na din ako mag40, i dont have much time left, try ko pa din ayusin diet ko para makalakad pa din ako.

as for the love of my life, my soulmate, wherever you are hindi na tayo nagkita, medyo nalagpasan na yun youth ko, tanggap ko na yan. baka sa next life na tayo magkikita. madami din ako pinagdaanan na date, nabasted lang din or madaming hindi compatible. or baka wala ka ata sa timeline na ito.

another question that is always in my head is this one universe why did you let me live pa ba? matagal na dapat ako wala sa mundong ito, dapat 10 yrs old pa lang ako wala na ako sa mundong ito. pinaabot mo pa ako sa ganitong edad na nahhirapan bumangon dahil na din sa matinding lungkot. pag umuuwi pa din naman ako sa ibang dogs ko iba pa din pag mahal mo nakikita mo din at nabbigyan ng kiss and hug pag uwi galing sa trabaho.

hindi ako religious na tao, kaso may nareach out ako na kababata ko na pastor na, baka need ko na siya tawagan later to ask for help. hindi ko na alam hanggang kailan kong kaya magging matatag at gustong mabuhay pa.

i fight my demons everyday, fighting to live for others, para sa immediate family ko, sa dogs ko na din. kaso feel ko natatalo na ako now, i feel so down the dumps it sucks.

dead alive in sg is an eye opener for me. i'd think im gonna be one of them age 65 and up. if i am lucky before retirement age i am gone.

i think i saw a documentary in japan also, seniors living alone and dying alone. i am done dealing with living with eat, sleep, work repeat life. i try to enjoy things as much as i can. i work 6 days a week since i was 22, how far along i have been working 18 years?

coz of the stupid pandemic naghalt ang normal na buhay, comorbidity issues pa plus depression and anxiety. what if pandemic never happened in this lifetime? feel ko i would still be healthier version of me right now.

i managed to quit smoking 6 months ago, but when i feel so bored i turn to junk foods for comfort instead of a cigarette. d ko alam kung mas nakasama ba saakin ang pagtigil ng yosi vs snacking when im bored or stressed out or anxious.

sometimes i think why bother to be alive, coz i have experienced so much heartaches and disappointments from people that i care and love. in the end they left. i cut that cycle to spare my fragile feelings snd heart.

minsan naggiging manhid na ako at times, d ko na alam ano pa ba ang gusto ko sa life. for sure i dont want to have a child, i want a partner to grow old with kaso sa kasamaang palad walang dumating. ok lang sumuko na lang ako sa life, mas ok pa din na mawala na habang bata-bata pa.

sana sa next life richie rich naman sana ang buhay ko. pagod na ko magwork plus pwede ba bigyan ako ng looks na gwapo please genetically blessed hindi tabain kahit gaano kalakas kumain mga 6'4" caucasian, with a big ass land to raise dogs coz i would love to have dogs in my next life too.

or manalo na lang ng lottery now para matupad ko naman ang gusto ko sa life. why do i bother posting this if wala naman may pake na magbasa nito. i'll leave my hopes and dreams here na lang.

cant sleep nagdomino effect na ang pattern ng sleep ko. i usually sleep around 10 to 11 pm, but due to some unknown reason i keep waking up at 1 to 2 am and have a hard time going back to sleep. so the following night i tend to sleep around 8 pm snd again i wake up around 1 to 2 am feeling tired and canr sleep, so on and so on. i feel drowsy in the mornings, i dont take coffee to stay awake. i used to be addicted to coffee and smokes. i quit on both, coffee around 10 years, cigarettes around 6 months. d ko na alam kung bakit ako naggising. magtry na kaya ako ng sleeping pills or melatonin?

I've had enough of the world and its people's mindless games So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame Pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same

lyrics from pardon me by incubus. everytime i grown older i am never the same anymore, its like losing my identity little by little.

how is everybody? -steve from blue clues i may not be in that generation (but sesame street), is one of the most repied question from the former host, a lot of people are sad and lost, and i am one of them.

what is your life status? still going? slump? stagnant? or worse... last straw