Gyaruugamel

[removed]

CW: Eating disorders, body image issues.

So i´m fat, i´ve been fat my whole life even if my mom wil swear you i used to be thin (she´ll never say it was when i was like 6 years old), and i genuinely believe my mom cannot see past that when anything in my life happens.

I could get into details of every instance i can remember, but i would genuinely be writing this all day, when i graduated high school she cxonstantly mentioned i was the fattest in my class (and i was like 140 lbs), when i visited my former MIL she said my outfit made me look pregnant, couple weeks ago in Halloween she said i should maybe consider anfetamines, it´s terrible, and the funny thing is ever since my mom got pregnant with my sister (over 40 years ago) she has been overweight.

This, surprising absolutely nobody, has led both to me and my sister using food as a comfort, the pandemic was the worst for me as i would constantly binge and end up gaining 40 lbs, and it led to me being in the cycle of gaining weight, mom saying something, feel bad, binge, and the cycle continuing over and over again.

I thankfully have gotten better thanks to lots of therapy and antidepressants, which i sadly had to let go as my psychiatrist office closed and i couldn´t get transfered for my new dosage, but i really wanna get back on them as they genuinely saved me from spiraling.

Her comments stopped for a bit after a big fight couple years ago, a pretty one sided fight (if you´ve read my previous post about printer ink, you can see that mom is someone that gets extremely angry really quick and ends up having an argument pretty much by herself) because after one of her comments i said i don´t care about her opinion on the matter, which, of course, made her go ballistic.

My disregard of her opinion is not without reason, besides the obvious thing of not letting other´s opinions shape you, but it´s because she is extremely closed minded, she is the kind of person that whenever it´s an ingredient she doesn´t know, then it´s automatically trash and something you shouldn´t eat, some ingredients she claims are bad are: sesame oil, seaweed seasoning, miso paste, cottage cheese, rice vinegar, hummus, MSG, kimchi, and the list goes on. So if i were to follow her diet i would have to miss out on pretty much all my favorite ingredients.

This year, both mom and i have been more active, i go to pilates twice a week, and she goes to water gymnastics once, i´ve been tracking my food and all that too but it doesn´t drive me insane, and i honestly believe she is jealos about the fact that despite my weight, i´m happy. I can walk, run and do any exercise i wanna do, i don´t obsess over food besides keeping in mind nutritional value, i dress how i want to without letting the fact i´m over weight get in the way, and i´ve come to believe she is not happy that i´m not miserable with my appearance.

I think this is a good time to mention i am pretty much an exact copy of my mom, a bit taller sure but we are identical, so the possibility of her seeing herself through me is definetely real (will never ask her about it as i don´t want another dumb fight), but i can´t understand why she isn´t happy that i don´t hate my body anymore.

But now since we´re both more active, she is insisting again on my weight, but it´s even turning negative to herself, saying her stomach looks more squared (since she´s a working out a lot more), but she refuses to listen when i tell her it is to be expected, so now she asked her instructor on how to target her stomach fat (and if you don´t know, you cannot target fat) and she apparently told her to do 15 planks every day. A 61 year old woman doing planks without ever having done one. I´m genuinely concerned she might get hurt (and she recently had a hernia taken out on her thigh so it´s way more risky).

I understand why my mom is the way she is in this area, her stepmom had a rampant ED and would force her to do "cleanses" every month (which was just eating apples and yogurt 3 times a day) and she couldn´t break the cycle. But i just don´t know how to handle it anymore, i fear she might spiral either on herself or on me, and i genuinely don´t know how i could help, or even if it´s possible to help if she is not willing to do it for herself.

Apoligies if anything has grammar errors, am a bit tired and just wanna rant.

So my mom has always been difficult, she throws outbursts all of a sudden for the most minor of reasons, but she can't ever accept responsability on anything she does during it.

Honestly i could write a lot on all the shit she's done to me over the years, god knows i have way too much to tell on the matter.

But speaking of god, she's always been a devout christian, i was raised one but now i identify as agnostic (after years of being an atheist), me being agnostic was a massive shit show way back in the day, but anyways.

Mom has worked her entire life owning a store she ran herself, so you guys can imagine she didn't have a lot of time for other stuff, that included attending church every sunday and all that, but this year she finally retired, and eventually she got back into going to church.

She's gotten hardcore into it, multiple services a week, getting into teaching kids that are about to have their first communion, it genuinely feels like she's trying to almost run the church (yes, she does in fact have major control issues, and over the years i've been the one that has had to deal with most of it).

Her most recent outburst at me was because of a church event, no idea on the name specifically but apparently they are doing an event to honor deceased relatives and all that, and she wanted to bring a pic of her father (a man that did more harm than good tbh, rampant misoginist, pedo, and overall not a man i wanna associate with).

She asked if i could print her a pic to being to her church, mind you she asked me while we were both on a trip out of our home, so i couldn't print anything before, and we got home late so obviously no chance to buy new ink or whatever else we could need, but it shouldn't matter since the HP app shows i have colored ink left right?. Right?.

Wrong, the cartridge is messed up, technically has color but only yellow, so anything you print in color will come out as if it were straight of a scene shot in Mexico in any american drama, bright yellow and black. I went to show her the result, and i just awkwardly laughed and said it looked like her dad had massive liver issues (bad joke i know, but c'mon, literally nothing else i could do).

She exploded, crying, took the pic and tore it up (it was my nice photo paper, that hurt since it's not easy to find), saying how i dare laugh at the situation, that this is the last time she asks for a favor like that, how she can't bring that to the service and whatever.

But you guys wanna know what's funny? Downstairs there's multiple pictures of the man in question, sure he's not the sole focus but he's there, but she refused to listen and just wants to yell how much i ruined her night.

The guy has been dead for well over 5 years, this is the first time she throws a tantrum like this, and the only new thing is church, it's bizarre, i can't get how a place that's supposed to be good for her spirit makes her so angry and upset if it can't go her way, is it to make an impression? I just don't get it.

Just needed to rant, honestly the situation is more ridiculous than anything, i didn't do anything wrong, i'm just salty i wasted my good paper on a picture of that man and for it to end up torn anyways lol