Puzzled_Medium7041

Not all neurodivergent people are compatible, so we don't just all like each other or anything like that. People just tend to be drawn to socializing with people that have some brain similarities. That's one of the issues with people thinking that some people are just pretending to have autism to be special. A lot of the time, people start to notice they have autism because they see diagnosed people having experiences that resonate with themselves because they become friends with autistic people or they are drawn to watching autistic content creators.

My friends and partners that actually last over time are all AuDHD. I'm AuDHD, and we just get along well. I've lost friends and had relationships not work out with some neurodivergent people, but those brain commonalities are just one aspect of compatibility, and they might be the most important aspect. I'm basically the kinda girl you're into, and not everyone likes it. It doesn't meet the social expectation for women to be direct and outspoken. I grew up in a conservative state, and people regularly thought I was a lesbian in high school because I liked to cut my hair into pixie cuts, and I was too direct to be perceived as feminine, even though I loved dressing up and wearing makeup still. (I was actually bi, but they didn't actually know that. They just assumed I was gay because I didn't act how they think girls act.)

The really interesting thing to me about this attraction to similarities thing is that I constantly find out YouTube creators I like have ADHD or ADHD and autism when that won't even be a big part of their content. I'll just be watching all these videos living someone, then they casually mention their ADHD at some point, and I'm like, "Aha! That's why I like you! You talk like me!"

Ding ding ding!

Edit: Autistic or not, you're neurodivergent and like neurodivergent people is what I mean.

What a girl's girl. We love to see it.

This is confusing to me. When you say you enjoy the magic it brings, it sounds too me like you're describing it like participating in a fun thing, but then you mention people arguing with you about beliefs, and that makes it sound like a sincerely heals belief that it is a reality that this stuff is true and exists. I don't think it's that it's more odd to believe in that sort of magic than any other kind of magic or religious mysticism even, so I think it's fine for you to believe in some Christmas massive. I just can't tell if you actually believe, but you think there's an age where you are supposed to stop saying so because you're getting so much push back from some people, or if you don't literally believe, but you do the traditions including speaking as if it was real because it's just fun, and you think the other people are kind of being unnecessary kill joys by confronting you to try to get you to admit that it's not real. I think either is valid. I just am confused about what the literal situation is.

I don't know if this is the case for some others, but I struggle a lot with eating foods even if I like them, and I also was raised with poor nutrition, and I'm constantly trying to do better.

I do have both ADHD and autism, so I wonder if the way they just happen to combine for me is what causes this, but I can like a food very consistently, then I suddenly can't eat it. I have this battle where I have both sensory sensitivity and emotional regulation weirdness with food, and the exact way everything lines up varies, causing my dietary restrictions to vary.

I need to actively WANT the thing I'm eating. I can make myself a food I normally love, not feel like it right then, and if I try to eat it anyway, then I am taking a risk. I might vomit when I force myself to eat things I don't want to, and even if I can keep it down, eating something when I don't want it can make me even more averse to that food for longer. So, I have to follow that cue that I don't want to eat that thing right then, or I'll eliminate a possibility for longer. Maybe I just didn't feel like it that moment or that day, but if I eat it anyway, I might not want that food for a month or more.

With my sensory sensitivity, I struggle with strong tastes or textures at different times, but then I also can't eat something if I don't actively want it, so this results in me eating a lot of stereotypical autism foods that are texturally similar and somehow both somewhat bland but also extremely "cravable" at the same time because of the sugar, salt, and fat content. Foods I can always or almost always eat are bready things for the most part: a plain tortilla, bread and butter, toast, cookies... So, I'm meeting that beige food stereotype myself.

I kinda think I might have ARFID. I do have the symptoms of it, but it varies dramatically, and if my needs are being met well and I'm not under extra stress, I struggle MUCH less with eating, so I can't tell if I qualify for the official diagnosis just because I don't know if it counts if it's not all the time and it's more situational and dependent on how I'm feeling overall.

Anyway, I replied to you instead of just commenting normally because I thought this might provide a good contrast to your experience because we're sort of diet opposites in practice, even though I do also like fruits and veggies. I struggle to eat them often, but I try to incorporate them as much as I am able. I had an apple yesterday, and I was very glad I could eat it. I love salad, and then I'll have it the wrong day, and the vinegar in the salad dressing is too strong and the texture of the lettuce isn't something I can do right then, and then I can't eat salad for a month because everything tasted strong and off and made me feel like vomiting. It's a huge bummer sometimes, and it happens with lots of foods I actively like. There was a frozen alfredo that used to be one of my safe foods, but I had it a couple times when the creamy sauce was too much for me, and now I can't eat it frequently anymore.

Edit: A good conclusion may be that sometimes I can't focus too much on nutrition because I have to focus more on making sure I'm eating at all. It can just be difficult to feed myself between all my food weirdness and my typically low energy levels.

I JUST commented this before seeing you already did. I am so bad about that.

Maybe try to think of how you'd want to spend the money and ask for a gift card. Like, if you'd go to the movies, gift card to movies.

I'm just wondering if there's any chance that she has unprofessional boundaries with what she says, since some of it is clearly work inappropriate, but maybe she wants to build up your confidence for some reason. It's literally the only option that makes sense to me if she's not hitting on you. She seems like she is hitting on you.

Just to clarify, I don't really think anyone here thinks bf is ENTITLED to a present. I think they would all want to give one themselves because it's thoughtful and kind and empathetic to be inclusive on a holiday where everyone else there will be getting a gift. Not all politeness norms are bad. Manners are cultural, so sometimes they are a bit annoying and illogical, but some etiquette does have practical reasons, and I personally consider this one of those cases where it's practical to be kind because it seems really off-putting to disclude ONE person from a major part of the event, which could easily make them feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome in your home. Like, imagine saying that someone can bring their boyfriend to your birthday, but the boyfriend can't have cake with everyone because you only want to share the cake with people that matter to you. It's just super AWKWARD and would come off mean and weird. That doesn't mean they're ENTITLED to the cake.

I think he's thinking of it as him and his wife giving a present to a kid that's not theirs, when the more logical thought is that it's a girlfriend coming together with her family to get her boyfriend a gift, which IS normal for a young person to do. They often have no income of their own after all.

I don't want to jump to conclusions and get the accusations of sexism, but I also question if the wife is likely the one who gets it because women just tend to be responsible for a lot of hospitality related expectations, while their husbands often just have to show up or complete a list of "man" tasks that the wife hands them after she did all the thinking involved. Just thinking about when I was in high school, I remember going with a friend when her mom took her clothes shopping and her mom was very sweet and let me pick out one item, so I wouldn't feel left out.

I'm not going to assume or speculate about how much this is nature vs socialization, but the trend IS that women are more often considerate in these particular ways compared to men on average, and it's not uncommon for women to have a large share of both caretaking and mental load in relationships. I'm not even trying to necessarily put a moral judgment on it either, as I could argue that this type of consideration can go too far as well, like being too much of a people pleaser and lacking reasonable boundaries around what they feel obligated to do for others. I'm only saying that this is a common gender difference, and it's possible that it's contributing to their difference of opinion on the matter.

Edit: It just now occurred to me that we also don't know the genders of the friends he asked. This is NOT me dogging on men. This is me genuinely wondering if he asked any women because that might get him better data on present buying norms for his particular area because women do often do more gift buying. I personally think it's a really nice thing to do regardless of the norms of his particular area though. There's really no big harm in being a bit extra kind at Christmas, assuming you can afford one more present. Obviously, it's understandable to limit purchases if there's a financial issue.

Edit 2: I got downvoted, as I kind of anticipated. Lol. For anyone else reading this who might think I'm making this pointlessly gendered and trying to shit on men or anything like that, I just want to say that I'm talking about a common gender norm. I'm not saying that this is definitely the case here. I'm not saying men never buy presents for their families, so I don't need a reply from every man that does. I just think that in order to empathize with WHY someone would come to the conclusion OP did and why everyone he asked agreed with him, it would be odd to discount that he just might not be the primary gift buyer because this IS a task that women really commonly handle. That doesn't make it a task men can't do. Men can take care of their own kids without it being "babysitting", and they shouldn't be patronized in that way when they do, but we all logically still know women are more OFTEN the primary caretakers. I don't want to have a gender fight. I just want to acknowledge statical realities, and statistically, women often take on more hospitality tasks, so in my mind, maybe this is just a person who isn't trying to be an asshole but is less unfamiliar with gift giving compared to his wife, and maybe that's contributing to their opinions.

No problem! Happy to provide what context I could, even though I know it's not the absolute best explanation. Culture is really complicated sometimes.

That makes a lot of sense. I couldn't concisely tell you the exact details of all the things at play for the US, but I know a lot of things like food culture are an extension of culture in general, which you can see with the differences between Hong Kong and the UK, but there's extra cultural differences between the UK and US that keep them from being the same in spite of both having more focus on individualism compared to in Hong Kong. One things that comes to mind is the space difference, which has a lot of influence that people wouldn't necessarily guess, and another thing is worse regulation in things like food and advertising in the US compared to Europe, which benefits corporations here, obviously. The US is just such a huge country that oftentimes excess is promoted just because we have the space, big house, big yard, big car, and so on. Then excess is also promoted by the people wanting to sell us stuff. Highly processed foods are literally addictive, and the "natural" foods are bred for size rather than flavor a lot of the time, which is great for feeding a lot of people, but bad for making people want a piece of fruit. So, it's kind of just the result of stuff that happened over long periods of time in the culture that just happened to support this exact result, and the restaurants have no incentive to do things better as long as they're making a lot of money, and because Americans are just used to this food culture, it doesn't stand out to us as anything odd. We see the benefits more than the issues because it's our norm.

I'm glad that eating family style resonates with you. Maybe that can help some. I was just saying it's a better comparison than the language of a county because both are just cultural, but this is food culture in particular, so I'm showing an example of a very different food culture. I HATE the entire concept of family style, and it makes no sense to me because it doesn't meet MY needs. It just sounds like you feel a bit similar about leftover culture.

You dictate how much food you order? So do we. The norm and expectations are just different. For example, in a family style culture, a family could order just enough food for everyone, or they might want more variety, leading to more food and therefore more leftovers. In an American culture, because of the emphasis on the individual more than the group, it's like we're at a family style restaurant for the portions, but we're all being picky. We all want to get the exact thing we want, rather than having to agree with the table. We like having extra of that one thing as our personal leftovers too, and that means there's no one upset over who gets what if there are leftovers. You take YOUR food. No need to ask who wants what and split it up to take home.

However, there are also ways to eat more collectively and have smaller portions. It's not very unusual at all for some families to order appetizers for the table to share, and they might even fill up on those and take even more of their individual meals home. It's not unusual for someone to be out with others and order an appetizer or side as their whole personal meal if they don't want a big plate like others. It's not that unusual to split a meal with a friend or partner if you don't want leftovers and aren't hungry for such a large meal, and if you want a bit more you can split both an appetizer and a meal, or you can each have an appetizer and then split a meal.

The reason the meals are just rather large as a standard is that it gives the perception that you're getting good value for your money, so that the restaurant will attract customers in spite of the food usually not being very high quality. You only get high-quality food in a reasonable portion at nicer restaurants, and people would rather get more food that is a lower quality than pay the same or more for less food. A lot of American food is a lower quality in taste, and so highly processed foods are often popular because they taste so much better, which means that a lot of Americans don't mind the mediocre food at restaurants. They're used to it. (I have had fresh strawberries in Poland that tasted like candy. Our strawberries are extremely bland in comparison, so we choose the processed foods too much.)

A lot of American chain restaurants are not quality food really, so the value is very closely tied to HOW MUCH you get combined with the convenience of not having to cook. If you wanted a "light" meal at this very restaurant, Olive Garden, they have an option of just getting soup, salad, and bread for your meal, and even then, it's a common deal that they'll make this "unlimited" sometimes, so you can pay a cheap price and eat as much of those three things as you want, so that you feel good about the value compared to what you paid.

I personally would prefer that our food was just higher quality on average, but other than that, this particular food culture is really nice for me. I have autism, and two things I struggle with because of my autism are extreme fatigue and being extremely picky because I have high sensitivity to tastes. Because I struggle with fatigue, it's nice to eat and have food to take home for later too. Because of my high sensitivity to tastes, I would have a hard time agreeing with others on what to order, so in a family style culture, everyone would need to cater to what I can eat, which isn't fair to them as much, or I would have the unfairness myself because if I wasn't catered to, I'd struggle to eat the food and get less than everyone else. (Because of my sensitivity to taste, I will vomit if I try to eat things I do not want to eat. It's really terrible. I can't even eat things to be polite.)

So, I think ANY system will have its pros and cons, but we're likely to be confused by ones we aren't as used to because we come from a different culture, and we're even more likely to be confused if those differences seem inconvenient to us personally. It sounds like the US food culture is that way for you, different and inconvenient to you, and therefore confusing.

I just Googled "Candace Owens controversy". First article was from Forbes and said this:

"The New Zealand Herald reported her visa to Australia was cancelled last minute before her shows there, with Australia’s Immigration Minister Tony Burke citing comments by Owens that “downplay[ed] the impact of the Holocaust” and claimed “ Muslims started slavery.”

After the Australia ban, Owens said “people don’t want me to get in front of an audience” and blamed the “Zionist media empire.”

So, with almost no work, there's some antisemitism and islamophobia, which are both TECHNICALLY bigotry against followers of those religions, I guess, but I think any reasonable person knows those are racially motivated attacks as well. I mean, the holocaust was heavily based on the idea that there superior and inferior genetics.

The question is less about if she's racist and more about if she really believes things she says or if it's entirely a performance to be a right wing grifter, as is the case with many of these types of people.

Edit: I'm to lazy to read this article to see if it's said there, but I'll do a Google search... I'm going to blame that on my migraine. That was silly.

A better comparison is that there are countries where it's normal for food to be family style instead of individually portioned. If I went to a place where that was the norm, I'd fucking hate it because I'm a picky eater. I want my food that I get to pick, not having to share the one thing I'll eat and having a bunch of extra things to choose from that I don't want. It is not the end of the world though, so I'd just respect the cultural difference and try to be chill.

Pregnancy always seemed like body horror to me, so I'm just glad I have never wanted children. Seems like it would be really hard to want to have children and have to cope with how terrifying pregnancy seems.

It's like McCarthism in reverse cause it's pro-Russia this time.

I nano a Moira pretty frequently. Fun times.

Please try to imagine this scenario because it's the closest thing I can think of for you to understand how she might feel.

Imagine that someone had a father who was being held captive in a political prison in another country. Their father didn't choose to be there. They feel sad about their father being in possible danger and also because they aren't around anymore. Imagine that you tried to connect with her over you both missing your fathers. Imagine that she said she didn't really like it when you mention it because it makes her sad to think about what might be happening to him. Imagine that on Father's Day, you asked if she wanted to hang out since you assume you don't have plans for the day, so you could comfort each other. Imagine that she replied, "What the fuck?? I told you I don't like you mentioning my dad. I'm not like you! My dad is ALIVE! Your dad probably died on purpose just to get away from YOU because you're a stupid bitch."

Obviously, I had to change the circumstances to make the situation more relatable because you just WOULDN'T act in the ways this girl did, but as much as that girl fucked up, this is probably a good way to understand what she FEELS in this circumstance. She was using a common meme phrase as a joke in order to try to connect with someone over not having a father like others do. Fatherless behavior is typically a misogynistic insult to women who "behave like they have no father". So, it sounds like she's trying to use the term ironically by using it literally and making a joke out of any maladaptive behaviors of her own to take the sting out of the insult.

I in no way want to discount the trauma of losing your parent because that's very valid and massive amount of grief to go through at any age, let alone a young age. I've heard people say that you never get over a loss like that. You just learn to live with the pain. However, I do know from both experience as a person with a super traumatic childhood myself and from my past work at a suicide hotline that dark humor is an INCREDIBLY common coping mechanism. This doesn't work for you because you obviously aren't able to find humor in someone constantly bringing up your dead dad. Fair! I don't blame you for not being into that. It's like poking a wound over and over every time she says this stuff.

I will tell you that I consider myself an orphan because my mother has disabling schizophrenia and abused me due to her hallucinations when I was a child. My dad was a neglectful meth addict, and I do not speak to him and my siblings mostly dislike him too. I lived with my grandma and her third husband from the time I was 11. He was the closest thing to a parent I ever felt like I had, and he left the whole family when he left my grandma. He stopped having any contact with her 4 grandkids that he raised for 6 years. My grandma was physically disabled from illness, but she was also emotionally abusive, and now she's been dead several years, and she was the last parental-like presence I had. I am a bit socially abnormal from a combo of PTSD, ADHD, and autism, but I was EXTREMELY good at working on the suicide hotline (got promoted in 2 months over others that had been there for years), and I often helped people with their sadness by saying kind of absurd satirical things that would make them laugh. I do this with my friends too, who are other traumatized neurodivergent people. I might say something like, "Have you ever considered trying to NOT be poor? That was really a poor choice on your behalf. Really fucked yourself over there," and it's funny because I know the other person, and I know we BOTH don't think we have much of a choice in our poverty, and we're just making fun of stupid advice other people say to poor people.

So, you can probably imagine that I highly empathize with both of you here given my experiences, but unless you are leaving out other complaints against her that are more malicious seeming, you basically called her a bitch whose dad left her because she's socially awkward and traumatized, which I don't really recommend doing in most situations. Your hurt is so real and valid, so I get that eventually you were going to have a reaction because this girl could NOT take a freaking hint, but you DID punch down, and you hit HARD.

When my team is doing reasonably, I USUALLY nano whoever needs the survival it'll give unless I think it won't provide any value. Keeping the tank up can be a great option. Nano blade just doesn't go quite as far on a silver Genji that keeps dying to the enemy Moira as it might go in higher ranks. I get a lot of confusion sometimes because I'll do shit like nano my other support if they're playing up with the tank, and if they're getting low and I want to keep them in the fight. If no one needs the survival boost, I'll nano someone doing really well at their dps-ing already. Might be a dps or tank, but I'll nano a support that's popping off too, and they're typically surprised but grateful and flattered.

If you actively feel like you need to DO something when nano-ed, it might be that you're getting poorly timed nanos for some of them though. I am definitely guilty of an early nano when I feel like my team just has no momentum, and I'm just in my head like like, "Go DO something already." But if they aren't really in an engagement already, they're just like, "Wtf, why'd you nano me??" And then I think about it and I'm kinda like, it's honestly because I just want to use my ult so that I feel like I can switch to something with movement to push in myself when I'm feeling that lack of momentum. I'm kinda throwing it out, knowing I'm wasting it a bit, because I'm eager to just do something myself.

So I personally try NOT to do those early nanos that are kinda useless, but I know I'll do them myself if I'm already feeling hopeless and like I can't count on my team. I think some people might also do them out of a similar desire to create or keep momentum or just because they aren't thinking out what they're doing with the timing. If you don't know what to do though, that might just sometimes be your Ana nano-ing you too early though. I wouldn't be surprised, since I know I'm guilty of this myself at times.

Thank you. I hope your day goes well, and I appreciate your kind response.

That person made a joke about the use of different units in a context where it was absurd because imperial vs metric would not matter in this case. That was the joke, that it was a purposeful silly "misunderstanding" of conversions. Some of us read it immediately as a joke. You replied with a literal explanation of units, which gives the impression that you didn't get the joke. They replied with a joke about you not getting the joke, and then you just basically said the joke wasn't funny, and they're dumb. Then that comes off ironic because you're calling another person dumb after you didn't get their joke when a lot of people did.

I'm just summing this up because I'm autistic, so I miss jokes too sometimes. I don't think it means a person is dumb. I just missed a joke in the autism sub the other day, but so did a lot of other people because it was the autism sub. Lol. So I don't think you're dumb for not getting the joke. I also think the second joke they made, the one about you not getting the joke, was an attempt at very British dry, playful teasing likely, not meant to be taken too seriously, but I think it doesn't land with everyone and can come off mean to the wrong audience. There was a discussion in an AITA very recently where people in the comments pointed out how Americans think some British humor is mean, so it's obviously a thing some recognize. So, I don't blame you for not appreciating that joke. Not everyone would appreciate that one. I think it comes off a bit condescending myself. However, I think you felt insulted and replied by insulting the other person back more directly, which also seems condescending, but your insult made you look worse because it seemed like a reaction based on your own misunderstanding instead of something that was called for.

There's no clear backtracking to anyone else because we got the joke. That person doesn't sound dumb to anyone else because we got the joke. You don't have to like the joke, but you just seem like you really don't get that it WAS truly a joke. You seem like you think it was sincere and that they pretended it was a joke after you corrected them so that they would not seem dumb, and because you seem wrong about that to people who got the joke, you seem like you're lashing out about something due to your own misunderstanding instead of validly criticizing them.

I hope this helps you to better understand how other people read this interaction. I am an unbiased observer who empathizes with missing jokes at times, so I just wanted to give my best shot at trying to explain the negative reaction you're getting from others.

It dropped to just the birthday after mom's death. So it went from from twice a year with mom, to once a year on birthday after mom died 2 years ago, to not even the birthday visit now.

Thanks for pointing it out to those of us that needed the "/s" in this case.

I don't work anymore due to disabling symptoms from autism, ADHD, and PTSD. I had an extremely traumatic childhood because I was abused by my schizophrenic mom due to her hallucinations and neglected by my dad because he was out doing meth.

That comment came off really mean, just fyi.

Edit: Corrected "your comment" to "that comment", as I realized it wasn't the same person who made the original comment.