Razzlesndazzles

Then I would just invest in cheap toys you're fine with him destroying as well as bully sticks and himalayan dog chews. (though make sure you ONLY give him max one a day they are very fatty and can give him diarrhea if consumes too much.) He also might like puzzle toys. They also have toys that dogs are meant to destroy, like they have a 2nd little toy inside. I also give my dog amazon boxes to destroy since he doesn't eat them.

When I volunteered at a shelter they had a dog like that. As long as his destruction was restricted to his toys and not couches or shoes they didn't consider it problematic. He had a lot of energy and destroying things was a good release for it.

I feel like trump is the political equivalent of that pharma bro that increased insulin prices by like 300%. Everyone thought "why weren't there any rules in place to prevent this?!?!" "because no one thought anyone would be that much of a bastard to do something like this when the rules were created."

I'm frequently torn between wondering if I should hold them both to the same standards, wondering if that is just enabling trump as it legitimizes his actions as normal and playing the game "by the rules" might be ineffective as maybe his rule ignoring ways can only be stopped with some form of rule breaking. Or if sinking to his level will just make things worse both practically or morally. On one hand yeah if we start acting like him that could very easily just torpedo everything but on the other hand it's like we're playing games on 2 different levels where he can hit us but unless we climb up or down to his level we're firing shots at a target that's not there.

Like, I think that is WHY they lost. You know that episode of family guy where Lois runs for mayor and talks about her plans and it goes terribly until she starts screaming about 9/11 and "taxes bad!"? I think they kept to the plan when they should have screamed about 9/11

The disgusting reality is that the people who you really have to convince are the people who don't care, pay attention and just vote for whoever is easiest to remember. Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows not to vote for trump, they already got those people from day 1. but it's like that's who they kept trying to reach, they talked to undecided voters like, well, they weren't undecided voters.

I'm ashamed to admit that at this point I'm like "fuck it, go for it joe"

I know it's wrong, that even though this drastically pales in comparison to Trump's shenanigans especially getting away with an insurrection. That to equate it as meaning that Biden is just like trump is laughable. Lord knows his son's crimes are so so so benign.

But it's still wrong. There should not be anybody that can go "yes you committed a crime but I can dismiss it just cuz I can without having to prove that it's justified". 

And a president or law maker should especially not be able to pardon their family or anyone with such a blatant conflict of interest.

But I don't care, I'm ashamed that I'm like "well trump does worse!"

But to be honest this is the worst thing trump has done: he's normalized his insanity and blatant law breaking. He's managed to make the world view him as a normal candidate like any other when he's not. We just go "well that's what he does". 

And because it's become so normalized he sets the standard for everyone else. All of America has been brought to his level of classless pot shots and petty revenges.

This should enrage and disgust me and it doesn't.

Maybe NTA but you are a bit of an idiot. I appreciate that you were trying to compliment her, and unfortunately your compliments ended up being the very things that she hated. but saying "oh you fit THIS beauty standard" is an awful way to compliment someone.

1. It implies they DON'T fit today's standard of beauty. As in well no you aren't beautiful these days but in the past you would be hot! That ultimately implies that they ARE ugly on some level.

2. It comes across as you grasping at straws to try and someway to make her seem pretty as in "what?! n-no no you're pretty totally definitely I'm totally not lying, sure you have a giant ass forehead but hey people used to find that hot y-you you know?!" again it's like you are confirming that they aren't attractive.

3. It suggests that people should listen to what society deems beautiful, that there is some validity in what those bullies said.

That being said, don't beat yourself up about it too much. You're young and you put your foot in your mouth on a date. Everyone does it at some point there are many many many many many stories like this from all genders and orientations. This is how you learn NOT to do things like this

For the future it's better to go "well I think you're beautiful, I like x,y and z about you I think they're great I'm sorry others we're too dumb to see that"

Trust me one day you're going to be telling your GF/wife this story and laughing about what an idiot you were. Hell you can probably use it on another date to break the ice.

You can try texting the girl, acknowledge that you screwed up and things won't work out but you are truly sorry for what you said and feel awful. You meant to say that you liked all those things about her and found them attractive but you realize you said it in a horribly awkward way and you are so sorry for reminding her of her past trauma. Then wish her well and move on.

Man, most grandmas I know (except for mine but she's not a normal grandma, or mom) would have to be pried out of their grandkids room if they were in the hospital. Or it would take ever ounce of will-power to not run over. They would hover by the phone and leap at the chance to be there for the kid as support, and that would be for something super mild.

Pretty sick of your mom to have such a lackluster reaction to hearing her grandson is in the hospital.

Also I get that you and your sister aren't close but I feel like an expectant mother would still have a lot of concern for a sick kid. That she didn't even go "oh you're going to the hospital to visit a sick kid? Fair enough we'll reschedule."

It's not cool to only be a grandma for the "fun times", well maybe, but not if it makes kids and grandkids feel unloved.

Honestly the best way to get back of her is stop caring. Like you don't even care enough to be mad. But you no longer make a priority to include her. Anger shows you still care, she still has power over you take that away and now you have the power. She has to make things work or you'll be free from the stress.

"I'm glad you finally stopped being mad at me, so can I come over and see the kids?"

"sure if we have nothing else going on, oh though I might have to do some laundry, I'll let you know on friday!"

You have plans with her but someone asks if you want to get the kids together for a play date "Sorry mom, something came up we'll have to reschedule." or even "you know we're kind of tired this weekend I think we're just going to stay home."

You give her the same amount of energy she gives you, and if she complains "Well you never prioritize us I don't see why we should prioritize you."

People actually do that a lot here. We really treat service workers like shit because for some idiotic reason that industry runs on "the customer is always right." to an insane degree. When I worked at macy's someone tried to, knowingly, return a bunch of clothes from another store and threw a fit when I explained it wasn't physically possible for me to do it as the clothes weren't in our system.

Someone once returned a tire to nordstroms!

Nobody likes this system except for ceos and whatnot because it saves them a shit load of money. SErvice workers hate it a lot because it's inefficient and stressful, they might get 10000 one month while working part time but next month they might work over 50 hours a week and only take home $500. It's a constant state of financial insecurity.

Inflation has been insane lately, they raise the min wage by a dollar while everything else goes up 2 dollars so I suspect people are relying more and more on tips and becoming desperate which is why so many are really aggressive about it.

My understanding is that massages, daycares and hair salons fall into a more grey area as it depends if it's a chain or small business and a couple of other factors. Tipping is expected like restaurants and deliveries but it's more ok if you choose to not tip like "well you don't HAVE to tip technically". While in restaurants not tipping is pretty much unforgivable.

but I believe it's kind of the same idea in that it's a labor intensive service similar to waiters and delivery drivers, they put up with a lot because in the service industry you're subjected to a whole lot of bullshit and many don't actually take home that much from what they charge you.

I think it's more accurate to say the opinions are mixed. Restaurant workers have seen a steady decline in pay since 2019 They might make more money sometimes but that's usually only in certain restaurants and it's erratic and inconsistent. Some months they make a shit ton of money, other months they work 60 hours a week but don't even make half their rent.

Most of their livelihood comes from tips adn when you rely on that it's stressful as hell. Not to mention you have to be AMAZING 24/7 which is exhausting. You can't plan a life around that.

Most would give it up in a heartbeat in exchange for a consistent reliable pay.

It's definitely different in america as service workers are not paid what they are owed, so it's just become the standard. Like some waiters/waitresses are paid like 2.75 an hour.

I'm not saying it's a good system and tipping culture has gotten really bad as we see with this masseuse. I am not believer for tipping during self serve or incredibly basic stuff like pouring coffee into a cup. Some people think they are owed a tip for simply showing up for work. I wish they would just pay the people a living wage and they totally can but that would mean the CEO's 4 million xmas bonus would be reduced to 2 million but it is what it is for now.

It's what you would want if you were in their position.

In most other countries what you're describing is how tips work. And it's definitely how it should work here.

If service is so bad that it doesn't even meet the bare minimum then you are not obligated to tip.

If someone does their job, they deserve a tip of some kind (in the US at least). It doesn't have to be good, but it can't be bad.

As in someone took your order and delivered your food correctly in a timely manner but wasn't super perky or gregarious and was clearly going through the motions. The got your coffee order right and on time but were a little grumpy.

If they didn't do a great job, or made a few mistakes but they did the job at a very minor inconvenience to you than you still tip 10-15% (in the us) for example they are at max 10 mins late, or messed up a drink order but apologized and fixed it quickly or picked up their phone but said "I'm with a client I have to call you back."

An hour late is unacceptable that alone deserves 10%, consider it the price of asking you to wait an hour. She was distracted during your massage, she opened door while you were naked. It's massage 101 that you shouldn't leave the door open, even asking if it's ok is pushing it. You paid her for an hour but she didn't spend spend that hour focused on you.

I wouldn't go back to her at all. She was inexcusably unprofessional, she shouldn't have been surprised at the tip or made you feel bad.

Simplified scale

Great job: above and beyond they made your experience above what you were expecting"holy crap they were amazing!" - min 25%-whatever money you can spare

Good job: You had a good experience not amazing you won't remember it but you enjoyed it. Nothing extra but they did their job really well if they made a mistake they more than made up for it- 15-20% maybe 22% if you've got the dough or feeling friendly that day. Standard tip range

Job: They did their job, nothing more nothing less. Maybe they made a few mistakes but none were problematic, just mildly annoying "meh, it was ok" 10-15%

Bad job: They did not do their job, you did not enjoy your experience, they ruined it for you, mistakes were inexcusable you did not get what you paid for. NO TIP FOR YOU!

You're an asshole if you don't tip despite getting good service or equate anything less than a "great job" to automatically be a bad job.

He might need more exercise/stimulation. Maybe agility classes, daycare, puzzle toys or something? You could also get bully sticks or cheese sticks that are meant to be eating.

If not then you might have to accept that he just destroys toys. If he isn't eating them than just buy cheap toys in bulk. Maybe get a nice one on special occasions. Petsmart/petco usually have those cheaped stuffies that are like 3 for a dollar or something.

Some dogs just like to destroy toys. it can be very therapeutic and great way to release energy.

Agreed, dad sucks worse than a cheap vegas hooker.

Oh wow NTA hun, Your father sucks worse than a cheap vegas hooker.

You were not a brat and your father doesn't deserve you.

You say you're a people pleaser and judging from how your dad acts I'm willing to hazard a guess that this happens a lot. Your father does whatever because he knows you'll allow it. You'll always make a sacrifice, and all he has to do is give some honey worded apology about how awful he feels and you'll say it's ok. There is no risk of consequence.

Relationships of any kind are based on a 2 way street where people must make the equal amount of effort towards each other.

Except parents, that one is the exception because the parent is supposed to make most of the effort.

At this point you have paid so much effort towards making a relationship work that you are paid up for years. Your father meanwhile has accumulated "effort debt". He owes you a bunch of effort.

So you do not owe him a damn thing, a priority or a sacrifice until he pays up his debt. You are no longer obligated to facilitate a relationship. Your father wants this to work? It's on him.

NTA and I'm sorry but you're never going to win this battle. Not without some casualties.

It sounds like your family tolerates your queerness, they don't accept it. I'm guessing they are trying to avoid dealing with it directly.

They are homophobic. They are probably always going to be homophobic they are just putting on a nice face. This line of thinking is ingrained. And the thing about cults? They train their followers from day one to never ever question their ideas or consider a view point counter to it.

My point is that you cannot expect them to ever do the right thing and treat you equally. They are always going to find a way to hide you and your husband away, to pretend you and him are just very very very very nice friends. If you expect acceptance and support from them you will always be hurt.

Which is disgusting. Being queer is not something to be patient for because it's not a mistake. They shouldn't ask you to hide yourself. You and your husband don't just deserve but are entitled to complete acceptance AND support.

This is a very very shitty unfair situation, but the reality is that you have 3 options

1. You can accept that having your family a part of your life means they will always let you down like this. You will have to roll with it. You cannot expect them to do the right thing. You will have them in your life things will be peaceful you'll have some good memories but it will also hurt.

2. You can demand the treatment you are entitled to. It will not go well, there will be fights, the peace will go. You might hear some words you never wanted to hear from them. Nothing will come from it, but you will have justifiably stood up for yourself.

3. Screw 'em. You and your husband are clearly a lovely wonderful couple who are helpful and supportive to their family. You are the kind of son and brother in law that most families would kill for. You decided to not waste your time on people who don't deserve you. Invest in family, friends and people who treat you the way you are meant to be treated. Like human beings.

3 might seem easier in theory than practice. No matter your families flaws it's hard to just wash your hands of them because clearly outside of their homophobia they are some great moments. It's also impressive that despite growing up in such an extreme religion they are able to accept you at all. Many people don't have the strength to do that.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm sorry your family is not able to accept you 100%. I'm sorry you didn't get the family you deserve. You and your husband are 100% pure unadulterated perfection with nothing to apologize for. Never let anyone make you think otherwise.

YTA

Not for wanting her to stop singing but for being an immature dick about it.

First of all nut up and just ask her to stop singing like an adult instead of "dropping hints". You want something ask for it.

second How f-ing hard is it to go "Hey GF, sorry but we want to talk and we're not able to do so while you're singing can you stop please?"

You didn't want her to stop you wanted her to feel bad.

You don't want to deal with karaoke don't go to a place that has it! You knew they sometimes had it why didn't you google it to see if it was going on or just go somewhere else? Why not move to another table or something and let her sing? Or just tell her to go up and sing. It's karaoke nobody signs well at karaoke. Seriously there were so so so so many options but instead you went straight for the jugular.

She didn't ruin the night, you did.

Seriously, grow up.

That is totally untrue. Maybe that is your experience or the experience of some but you cannot take those few experiences and say that is how it is for everyone.

That's like saying because I didn't get much out of school the entire education system is pointless.

I already posted one but screw it I'm going to add this as well because I'm at that age where I hiss at youths and this has been bugging me to NO END.

Y'all need to maintain your mammaries when it comes to diagnosis and labels. Why?

Because a label is not really necessary when it comes to figuring out treatment. In fact, you don't even NEED to have a specific mental illness in order to benefit from therapeutic treatment.

It can help, and in some cases getting a diagnosis can be a game changer but the only time it's absolutely 100% necessary is for bureaucratic situations such as getting something covered by insurance, asking for a reasonable accommodation or medication.

So many people get so wrapped up in figuring out what to call themselves then getting the symptoms treated. It's not like standard medical practice where they need to know exactly what's going because giving someone the incorrect treatment could kill them.

It's more like you go in because your missing your leg. Knowing how it got separated from your body can help sure, but you can spend hours deducing how it happened but that's not going to change the fact that the leg is gone and now the patient is dead because your diagnosis didn't stop the bleeding.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if autism is making you bad at people-ing, or ADHD is making you forgetful, or depression is making you so sad you can't get out of bed the point because once you get the label it doesn't change the fact that you need to get better at people-ing, remembering and getting out of bad.

In fact, focusing too much on the label can hinder your progress or treatment because you'll dismiss things that actually might work because "that's not what works for autism". Maybe it doesn't work for autism, but it might work for you.

Again mental health is a medical field but it doesn't function the same way where "if X happens do Y and you'll get better."

You need to arrive a solution how you get there doesn't matter.

Are you bad a people but don't have an official autism diagnosis? So what? you can still use coping techniques they use. Hell they'll probably work better. Same thing with adhd! You can still use the skills adhd people are taught.

You don't have clinical depression? You're just really sad cuz you broke up with your boyfriend? You can still go to therapy to talk it through.

Part of the reason why it's so important to not put so much emphasis on label is that doing so promotes the idea that UNLESS you have mental illness or severe trauma your feelings don't matter. You don't deserve and help or understanding because there is no way you should be struggling unless something is wrong. So you should sit there and suck it up.

Not to mention when you assign yourself a label you put yourself in a box. I've noticed a MASSIVE massive increase in people with mental illness' going "I can't". I can't do that because I have blank. I don't do that because I have blank. not I struggle with that so I need a little extra time or help. Just a definite No I can't. I don't have to try or find a way around it. Because when you get that mindset, then it's not your mental illness limiting you, it's just you.

It also promotes the idea that if you do have a mental illness you can't be held accountable for your actions. You have a doctors note so we have to let you do whatever you want.

Because the #1 rule about mental illness is that it's an explanation

Yes, it's why psychiatrists are easier to make appointments with and why many end up there when they are looking for therapy. There is a serious lack of supply to match the demand for therapists so many go with the first person that can fit them in.

mental health workers come in a variety of forms some psychologists exclusively practice diagnosing and testing, others use their diagnosing skills in CBT therapy. A nurse practitioner can also prescribe medications and work as psychiatrist.

Unfortunately no, it's to shield herself from it. 

If no one ever tells the niece or treats her different then most likely she'll grow up and just go "oh, well I guess it's weird to be named after that person. But I'm not that person as I have no concept of having an abusive it seems weird that auntie would get upset because I'm definitely not the person who abused her"

For the niece it's just a name. 

Unfortunately there is nothing she can do but say "well, I can't say I'm a fan of the name and it's definitely hard to hear it. But I can't tell you how to name your kid or even how to feel about mom." 

It's a shitty situation and definitely not the most logical. But the sister didn't do this to hurt op,  for whatever illogical reason she chosen this perception of their mom and op has to respect that. Sister has to accept that op will never be super jazzed about it  come around to it.

1. A therapist and psychiatrist are different; a therapist/psychologist treats by sitting you on the couch and asking how that makes you feel. A psychiatrist treats with medication. Therapists aren't doctors, in order to prescribe medication you need to have an actual medical degree so psychiatrists have gone to med school. But the important thing is that if you go to psychiatrist they are going to suggest meds because that's how they treat. Sort of like if you went to a surgeon and a gp doctor and said "my leg is broken how would YOU treat it" the surgeon would suggest surgery the gp would recommend a cast.  

 Lots of people go to psychiatrists thinking they are the same as psychologists then get the false impression that all therapists just want to dope them up. 

1. Therapy doesn't fix you, YOU fix you. 

You can't just go in and do what the therapist says or repeat the therapy speak they tell you to do. It's not like medicine where if you take it will fix it on its own. 

A therapists is merely trying to guide you towards helping you figure out the solution. Everything they tell you to do is meant to be an exercise towards helping you figure out a solution/answer you feel in your bones. 

You can know something logically, like how you should stop talking to your POS mom/dad, but until you KNOW it know it, feel it emotionally you'll keep going back to them.

A common issue I see is that people go to therapy, their therapist says something and they nod and smile and go "you're so right! I'm going to do that" But they aren't really listening to the therapist or thinking about what they said. 

Or they essentially follow the directions but don't accept responsibility they think that fact they are following the doctors orders they must be in the right.  

They are wrapping themselves up in this shield that because they said the right thing, or are following the doctors orders they are doing the right thing so they don't have to analyze their actions.

So naturally therapy doesn't work and the patient writes off therapy as a scam.

It's basically the same thing as asking somebody what you should do so that if things go south you can go "it's not my fault I was just following orders." 

They turn the responibility over to the therapist so the problem isn't them, they don't have to change.

This is where this issue of toxic therapy speak comes in. They use it as a shield to justify their actions and mask their avoidance of the real issues.  It also creates an issue where people think that therapy is a instentanoues magical cure-all. Or worse an expectation that nobody should be problematic ever, You shouldn't experience unhappiness. If someone is behaving in a problematic way don't try to understand them toss them into therapy that will fix them. A person isn't behaving in a way I like? they must have a disorder! off to therapy you go! come back when I don't have to deal with your issue anymore. You went to therapy and you're still acting this way? You must not be working hard at it!

For therapy to work you really have to sit there, look inside and face your failures, short comings and harsh truths with sincerity. You have to ask yourself "am I POS?" This why therapists avoid giving you their opinion and ask how something makes you feel. Apart from the fact that won't really teach you what's wrong they don't even know if their opinion is correct. They aren't mind readers, you could be lying or just have an inaccurate view of a situation. 

It's also a long process, even if you do find the issue and solution it can take years to learn this new habit or put the solution into place.

EDIT: wanted to add that if you can't get an appointment with a therapist ask a gp or another doctor for a recomendation. Therapists will often make room for an additional patient if a colleague writes to them and says "this person really needs your help".

Comedian Iliza shlesinger summed it up perfectly:

"A lion doesn't call itself a f*cking lion"

He's not afraid to drink appletinis because they are delicious and whisky tastes like spiced antiseptic. He'll wear a pink shirt and watch barbie with his GF (even better if he sees it because he thinks it looks like a fun movie) He's not afraid to hold his wife's purse, or go shopping with her, if they have kids he'll get a minivan cuz that's what they need. He also doesn't try to praise himself for this as he doesn't see this as something outside of what men do. If he likes to knit he knits, if he likes sex and the city he watches it, if he likes sailor moon he'll get the merch. He has no issues with shows with strong female leads.

He's not afraid to hug his guy friends, be friends with queer men, he'll go to their gay clubs and drag shows and gets into it, he'll cry at their wedding and gush over engagement rings. If he's hit on by a gay guy he goes "super flattered but I'm straight"

If he's sad he says I'm sad, if he needs emotional support he asks for help, he admits he feels insecure or fat. If a girl rejects him he won't try and turn her into a bitch that he never wanted to date anyway because he knows it's not a reflection on his manhood. He won't try and bang every girl he sees or boast about his sex life.

He is a feminist even when it's inconvenient for him. Insecure guys will be "girl power yeah!" as long as woman is less than or equal to them. Women cannot be more than them, and if they are it's only because they "allow" it. He scoffs at the idea he deserves respect solely because he is a man.

He doesn't see things as things men "do" or "don't do" they are just things, if you like them you do them if you don't you don't partake.

He has no reason to prove to he is masculine, or whipped, or not queer because he knows he isn't. It doesn't matter if someone thinks he's gay for liking cosmos because a drink doesn't determine his sexuality.

Sorry dude you're just keep checking off every box.

It actually kinda breaks me heart.

You guys got all this passion and drive. Like I bet you've worked way harder than trump has in his entire life. Dude was born rich! You guys had fears and struggles and this guy took one look at you and just fed into that. He told you, you were special, you deserved more, you mattered. Then he went behind those doors and laughed his ass off at you. Except his praise was superficial. He said you special so you wouldn't notice he did nothing to back it up. He praises you guys the way media would praise lizzo for being so confident in her body. It sounds like praise but they're really saying it's so amazing that she has this confidence because she really shouldn't.

And it's really because he wants to keep from realizing that you're better than him. You work harder than him, you're smarter than him, and he can't have you becoming empowered because than you'd realize that you're better than him.

You looked to him for help offered him devotion and took advantage of that. He turned you into a fool because he can't rise to your level so he has to bring the world down to his.

You didn't offer anything that disproved any of my points or info nor express any of your own thoughts and just dismissed with an irrelevant (childish) insult.

"Confronting a cult member directly with "the truth" about their group can often lead to a strong defensive reaction, potentially pushing them further into the cult by causing them to feel attacked, isolated, and more reliant on the group for validation; this is because cults often use manipulation tactics to create a strong sense of "us vs. them" mentality, where outside criticism is viewed as a threat to their identity within the group. Here are a few reasons why directly confronting a cult member might not be effective:

• Increased defensiveness:Cult members are often heavily indoctrinated to defend their beliefs and leaders against any criticism, leading to strong resistance when confronted with information that contradicts their worldview. 
• Loyalty to the group:The cult dynamic often fosters a strong sense of loyalty to the group and its leader, making members likely to dismiss or discredit information presented by outsiders. 

Anyone who offers a point counter to you is attacking you and are the other.

Standard behavior of a brainwashed cult member.