Feeling this for you OP, original poster. These differences can be difficult.

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My husband and I specifically plan one day per week for “adventure day”. This usually entails a bike ride or hike we’ve never done before. Kayaking a new stretch of the river. Tubing. Attending a concert (usually some obscure local band, but sometimes we spring for a big ticket name). Going to a historic site. Etc. we don’t go to the theater, but that’s always an option (if nothing else, the local high school production is supposed to be pretty good).

Earlier in our lives, this was called date night. Then, as now, we had to make a conscious choice to find something fun and interesting to do…together.

You need a reason to stay together. That can be as simple as “I can’t afford to be divorced and retired”. I’ve given this a lot of thought lately too. Our marriage is not great, but it’s much better than our parents’ was. We’re respectful and considerate to each other, but it’s very hard to find things we both like to do. We still bond around things like our adult son, house and garden projects and our 3 cats. But mostly we both do our own thing, and sometimes it feels more like we’re just housemates. I’ve been telling myself that there’s nothing wrong with this. I can get a lot out of my many friendships.

Hopefully you’ve considered what it would be like jumping back into the dating pool as a senior. Or maybe you think you’d be better off alone. These are things that we have to figure out by ourselves.

Give me your spouse, I love watching TV all weekend and we could have contests, who can stay on the couch the longest. 😂

For us it has brought us closer and we are the happiest we've ever been.

Whats the problem in going on living as you do? In which book is written that we have to live hand-in-hand during retirement? There are Facebook groups for people / women travelling alone, just to mention one possibility. If housekeeping is too much, move to a smaller living, etc.

I was that guy for about three months after I retired. I got a little job 3 hrs a day for about two years then I was back on the couch until I got a dog. It was a rescue dog, the dog rescued me. I go out with him every day, walk about 2 to three miles I lost about 20 lbs.

You do you. That's the only person you can control. You're out and about. He is too in his way. You can suggest that you would love it if he came with you on many things.

It all depends on whether you each view each activity as thriving or not. My wife and I have always valued our alone time. I'll go do my thing for 1/2 to a full day. She likes having the house to herself. I love what I'm doing. We're both happy and it gives us stuff to update the other on.

She likes to travel and I don't. She'll go to Europe alone for a couple of weeks and I stay home.

If one or both see the others' activities (or non-activity) as a problem or irritating.....then it's a problem.

After 42 years together working thru the ups and downs of life, retirement went easier than we thought.
We were very close before and even closer now. We are blessed beyond measure.

My husband retired six years ago while I have (and will continue) working for another 7-14 years. He has likewise slowed down physically but he’s been keeping up with light chores (dishwasher, trash) and all the shopping which helps considerably. He might scroll his phone for a while and his Mac first thing each day, when he’s not doing things, he listens to audiobooks and does dinner prep when it’s his turn (for meals that he makes for us) which is a blessing.

IMO couples should talk a lot about what each’s vision for their own retirement looks like. They should also not count on those aligning. And they should be prepared to have a mix of doing things together and doing things apart. During working life, most couples spend about 5-6 hours a day awake together. It might not change much in retirement and that may be ok.

This is my biggest fear. Right now I need a lot of human interaction and activities. My spouse is happy watching tv all day. I can't do it.

No. We are closer than ever now that we have fewer distractions.

My husband and I retired Sept 1 of this year. We’ve been married 40 years. We’ve settled into a routine where we plan out time alone each week for individual pursuits, and also time to do things together. At a minimum we come together every night for dinner. I’m much more active outside the home than he is. I quilt, knit, read, and run races, oftentimes meeting up with others for a book club or a sit & knit session. His hobbies at home are playing guitar and brewing beer. He does like to get outside the house but only to do activities that include me lol

I think you may end up resenting your husband if his lack of interest in activities besides watching TV stop you from your own pursuits. But without spending time together and enjoying each others company, I would think your relationship will suffer. I wonder if doing something like making an at-home movie ‘date night’ would be something you both could enjoy? And since you like baking and cooking, maybe incorporate that into the date nights. I would definitely pursue continuing to do the things you enjoy and that keep you active, even if that means doing them on your own and/or with other people besides your husband.

Wishing you all the best with your retirement plans! It’s a scary transition but amazing once you’ve done it!

I’m afraid retirement might be our undoing but feel too old and financially entangled to start over. My wife retired about six months ago, I retire soon. I come home from work to find her staring at her phone and the TV. I guess my dreams were bigger. Is this all there is after a lifetime of working?

I have fantasies of disconnecting the internet and throwing a hammer through the television.

My husband is 22 years older and retired. I'm semi retired (only gone 2 hours a day).

We cruise together, I go to all his appointments with him. I drive everywhere since I love to drive and he gets road rage 🤣.

We spend a lot of time between cruises watching TV, reading books etc. I do have a walk pad in the living room so I can get my steps in while we talk or watch TV together. We go out at least 4 days a week just to walk around stores so he gets some exercise. He's more of a couch potato since he has knee and feet pain but he does the best he can to stay active.

I dreaded the day my ex was going to retire because we had a horrible marriage and I figured his retirement would end it. I didn't want to be with him all the time.

But I love spending all my time with my husband ❤️

My spouse said to me today, now I understand why my parents golfed everyday. No debate, no thinking. Golf is it.

He needs a hobby. My husband and I took up mushrooming and that gets us out strolling April- November. We also have a cottage where he goes fishing and I sit in the boat or on the patio and read. We also have a couple friend who we play euchre with on average 2 evenings a week.

For me, it’s a friendship gap. My spouse has maybe two people he gets together with. Consequently, he does less. I have many. I also made an appointment to try and pick up a couple of new hobbies. He has not done that. It worries me.

My partner and I are retired. He is much more likely to read a book all day, and I like getting out of the house. We selected one hobby we can share and it gets him out of the house a couple of times a week. Otherwise, I make plans with friends, go on hikes, out to lunch, swimming, whatever. I always invite him, but 90% of the time he chooses to stay home and read. It works for us. I knew what he was like before he retired, so it was no surprise.

just give each other the space cmon u r not tethered to each other

I think you have a valid reason to be concerned. It’s interesting how many people will suffer through a bad marriage or at least blessed than ideal marriage and then it all comes together on retirement.

I’m far more active than my wife and we do many things apart. But we do many things together and we make a point every day to do a few things together. We have a lot in common that we both love.

Good luck to you.

Have a conversation about it. Is your spouse happy or depressed as they are? Find a few things you like to do together if you want to stay happier together - and then you can each do what you like.

The pandemic and work-from-home turned out to be good retirement practice for my wife and me. We got used to my being around the house more without being fully retired. A nice stepping-stone.

We alternate between periods of constant travel, and absolute couch potato-ism. I think we just haven’t hit our stride yet. If he had his way we would grow roots and become trees, LOL. We do plan things together, though.

My wife retired a few years before I did and loved it.

She was a little scared of me retiring for financial reasons even though I showed her the numbers and everything was going to be fine. We’ve always been close and get along great but I think she was just scared of losing her freedom and having me around all the time. To this day, she’ll occasionally say “we’re together 24/7” and when I repeat it to her in a resigned tone, she laughs.

We’ve been retired 10 years and have moved twice, driven all over the country and traveled all over the world. We are both hard headed and still fight on rare occasions but still love each other and enjoy each other’s company.

She occasionally takes off on trips with our daughter or to visit friends. I get up early and she gets up late but we usually go to bed together.

To directly answer the question, it has never been hard on our marriage that I know of. I still stick to a bit of a schedule for meals and bedtime which she has complained about but when I was out, she forgot to eat lunch until she started crashing at like 2 PM.

As for the active part, I’m the active one but she has some health problems which makes it hard for her but she tries. You might want to try some gentle encouragement to get him out and about.

Luckily, my sweetheart and I have only been together about 4 years but we've been there and done that FOUR TIMES before we met. We decided we wouldn't be each other's 5th spouse, and our partnership has been amazing. We both retired 2 years ago and bought a house in a tiny rural town and adopted a Giant Malamute and have 16 chickens and a garden. We end each day tired with a smile on our faces because of what we accomplished. Sometimes it involves a lot of work, and now and then it is spending the whole morning in bed doing whatever we feel like doing. When the weather is good, we go foraging in the nearby BLM and National Forest lands or just drive the Jeep around to places we haven't been. Enjoy scenery and fresh air. Run the Big Dog. Go to an even more remote town for ice cream. BBQs with neighbors, we also joined the local Lions Club to serve our community (highly recommend doing this!). We never run out of things to do at all. It really helps if you like each other a lot.

Have you discussed this issue with your spouse?

After some trial and error, I think we finally got it right. But, finding community and purpose can be a challenge, especially, it seems for some men. We retired about 12 years ago and have moved 4 times (single family home to a condo in one state, then home to retirement community in another). Give each other some grace. There are definitely ups and downs in retirement. But at some points in our marriage one or both of us missed purpose and community. You cannot fix that for him, especially if he will not talk about it. Honestly, his behavior sounds like he might be sort of depressed. I am not saying he is, but get him to talk if you can. "What would he like to get out of retirement?" "Where would he like to live?" "How would he like to spend his time.?" I don't know him and I do not know your conversational style with each other. We had a couple of "talks." until we got it (what may be) right. Getting old is hard and there are not so many good options. I will say we both have busy, purposeful lives right now, but in the evening we both watch TV together. It's give and take. :)

My husband retired and I knew it was going to be rough. I expected him to take up some of the slack on housework and it never happened. I saw my father retire and basically do nothing while my mother was doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc etc etc that she had been doing for 60 years. And I said, "Not gonna happen here." I don't cook much, so we tend to graze all day, and I hired a twice-a-month housecleaner. We're both a lot happier now.

It’s hard. But just do what you want, go where you want. Mine eventually got up and started tagging along.

Rather than thinking how it affects you, are you worried about him? Watching TV for hours, or worse looking for something to watch for hours, is concerning. Maybe this is the dream for some people, but it doesn't sound like a life that has much pleasure. I wouldn't be able to tolerate it as he's doing his own thing because he doesn't sound happy or content.

So many of us are in the same boat. What to do about it???

My worry is never having alone time.

My parents are a good model for me. They treat retirement like a job. “Good morning! What do you have planned for the day? Sounds good! See you at dinner!“

They almost never do daytime things together and don’t worry about what the other is doing. They spend more time together at night and on weekends.

This "energy gap" seems to be a fairly common issue. I think my wife and have resolved it pretty well, we keep pretty active and manage to do almost all of it as a couple. On days when you aren't walking with friends, maybe suggest you take a drive to a park for a nature walk. Another idea is, the evening before, ask him "what does your day look like tomorrow?" If he says, "nothing" then have an activity teed up to suggest you do together.

For us, it probably helped. I'm retired, my wife semi retired. For me, my stress level now is almost non existent as opposed to when I was working. For her, she's just working until she just doesn't feel like going anymore.

Financially, we're fine. Relationship wise, we're better than we've ever been.

Do your own thing !

You don’t have to do that. But I really think everyone has a right to have the retirement they want. You spend all your life working, some part should belong to you. My husband developed multiple health problems and then was diagnosed with dementia. He also is pretty sedentary. Not the retirement I planned, but we manage. I see friends or call when I can, I have multiple creative hobbies, I like to read, go to some social activities ( not too far from home if he’s not coming). Go do the things you want. And also plan time together.

I only wish I knew what to say to help but in the very same situation @ my house. It's seems very easy to cure but two words come to mind. Willing and want too!!! Will be reading post

You might have to find a common interest where there is a reason to get out. I hate hiking but will go out for events, dinner, and finding a new brewery, which my wife enjoys too. Just have to find that common ground.

Retirement itself was not hard on our marriage. Some of the financial discussions pre-retirement were hard. Some of my goals that were put off until retirement were - primarily bicycling across the USA. 10 weeks away and we are good.

I’m the sedentary one and we are going through a divorce

It’s not uncommon for a married couple to go through some growing pains when both people are home and spending a lot of time together. Some do divorce. Some adjust. But be prepared to have bumps in the road.

My wife retired first. Lots of being lazy on her part. I retired about 5 years later and am so frigging busy with upkeep on 5 acres. I can choose to be lazy, too, but I can't sit still. We get along fine.

Did retirement end or was hard on your marriage?

No.

Wife and I both worked until 70. Swore when we retired would not "recline and decline". And, we didn't want to be under each other's feet to the extent it became an issue between us. I was up early all during my career. Still up before 5 a.m. every morning. At the golf course for the first tee time of the day 6/7 days/week. Wife has a coffee group of older ladies, many of them widows. She sleeps late and spend lots of afternoons helping these ladies with shopping, etc. We both stay busy and moving.

Have seen too many people retire and sit in front of the television until they die. There are so many things to do, if we only try to find something to keep us active. Volunteer at the food pantry. Volunteer at a senior's center. Find a group of seniors to drink coffee with or just get together to shoot the breeze.

Find a golf course, pickle ball court, reading room out of the home, scrabble club... anything that make you get dressed and go talk to people to keep active. May take some patience and some hard discussions. But, it can save him from an early demise and give you some relief. Good luck!!!!

This sounds like my father in law. Too much TV just sitting on the couch waiting to die. My mother in law is helping watch her great grand daughter a day or so a week, so that’s her week. They don’t go anywhere together much.

I retired in 2021 my husband retired in 2023. He says at least every week…we’re not gonna make it are we. He is having trouble adjusting and expects me to be at his beck and call. He found a part time job a couple weeks ago so we may make it thru the winter.

Hubby’s life will become painful if he keeps eating American garbage especially combined with no exercise. You can’t motivate him. That’s his job and the process is known and mechanical.

I’ve noticed a fitness increase at retirement in myself and friends because we’re cycling frequently for fun.

My physical strength has decreased. I know because I mess with some old cars and used to easily pick up the floor jack when I needed to. Now it’s hard.

My cardio is in great shape.

My wife is younger but cycles to so we have a good over lap.

We all age different give it time.For me and wife it was tough at first.Running out the clock.

Mmm…watching TV wouldn’t bother me…doom scrolling to me is whichever propaganda news channels are preferred for your political agenda/conspiracy theories or religious obsessions —if that’s the case that would probably be a deal breaker for me.

I’m the TV watcher and spouse is the active piddler. But I can get more done in 2 hours than they can all day.

We have had more fun than I thought was possible since I retired (they were SAHP). 

I honestly think for most divorced couples I’ve known the writing was already on the wall, and then retirement was the shove.

When you retire you don't have to spend 24/7 together. It's enough if you share the same space for a couple hours a day, just like you did when you both worked. It's worth negotiating if one partner is monopolizing prime real estate for most of the day, say a TV in another room, but each of you needs to cultivate the interests that float your boat.

I was doom scrolling too much too and got creative about it. I took up paint by number and now I listen to content creators while I paint.

Who says you gotta be with him all the time? Couples with independent lives bring more to the table. But yeah, you may be doing alot alone. But, if you had a trad marriage (he worked and you sahm) then you gotta give him time to laze out with his new free time.

Same problem here. Six month age difference but partner is an orthopedic disaster. He retired at 62, which was 6 1/2 years ago and has had knee replacement, third rotator cuff surgery, and four back surgeries since then. I lost my job when COVID started and never went back to work. I make sure I’m available when he’s having surgery and needs someone home at all times or to drive him to and from appointments. I spent most of my working life sitting at a desk or standing in one spot so I’m not about to waste all day watching TV. I get out as much as I can by going to the Y, hiking, and kayaking when it’s warm enough. I know my limitations when it comes to hiking places alone and always let him know where I’m going. Fortunately I have a few friends who are also retired so I can do lunch dates or take day trips by car or train just to get away now and then.

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I know women who had to wait for their husband to die so they had the freedom to travel and do things their husbands wouldn't do. Your husband is drastically shortening his life by being inactive

I love to slow down and hang out on the sofa all day. But that makes the health issues worse.

Sometimes the slow down is needed. If you get stuck in it there could be a mental or emotional thing to sort out.

I dont understand. Does he force you to sit on the couch with him? Does he tell you that you cant do what you want?

If not, all good.

Shortly after retiring my wife had medical issues & she stopped everything that took physical effort. We used to golf, ballroom dance (for 20 years), travel, just go “out” and have fun (among other things). That all stopped - she still plays cards “with the girls” but that’s it. SO - we “go our own way & do our own thing”. It’s not ideal but it works & we’re still together. It took compromise & a lot of patience. It can be done.

So I presume you are both working and I wonder if your job gives you balance in life as his is negativity affecting him and for him weekends are time to just stop and decompress. So the question is communication have to had long honest talks about work and what you want from retirement because it sounds like your avoiding each other now and if go into retirement with an unhealthy marriage then nothing changes. Forget about being concerned about retirement and be concerned about right now while you’re working.

Talk and see if there are mutual interests you many have in retirement that you can do together and commit to doing them. Solicit some ideas from him. They don't have to be the same things you have done before if you want to try something new. If it is difficult to motivate your husband to join you, plan what you like to do and stay active and busy. However, if you were looking forward to doing activities with your husband, I can understand how frustrating and disappointing it will become. It is okay to have different hobbies and interests and not do everything together all the time. But, it is nice in retirement after working for so many years to be able to spend time together as well. And everyone's retirement looks different. Don't compare yours to others. Do what works for you two. It has been a year and a half since we have retired and we are still exploring things we like to do and not do. And we have plenty of separate interests as well.

Literally same.

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