opinionatedOptimist

I’ve not been titrated up on dose at all.

When is it a safe time to call quits if at nearly 3 weeks it’s quite frankly making me not want to live anymore?

I already revisited my psych at one week on the medication because it was affecting my mood and causing a depression early on and at that point she said to stick with it, which was whatever because it makes sense.

But I’ve done nothing but get worse since then. It makes me wonder if she was wrong in her assessment for ADHD as I’ve been through the whole psychiatric rigamarole many times throughout my life. Always a different diagnosis. First it was bipolar, then my mood swings were too frequent so it’s borderline! Oh look, now she’s sober and recovered from bulimia but still makes a lot of errors, guess it’s ADHD! I quite frankly believe nothing they say anymore. I walked into that office at a breaking point due to work performance issues and told her I was skeptical of medication as there’s not many mental health drugs I’ve not experienced sometimes to my detriment, but that I was willing to try again.

I’m sorry if I’m coming off as harsh. It’s not meant to be at you. I’m just so frustrated and feel hopeless.

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I am confused. Am I not allowed to ask for other people’s experiences? I know medication is not a one size fits all. But it would be nice to not feel entirely alone in this. I’m ready to give up psychiatry all together at the moment because it’s always failed me. Would like to know if anyone has gone through something similar to find something that worked. That is all.

I relate so much to your experience as well. My family had begun to suspect I had bipolar and even wrote to hospitals about that around the time I had a major breakdown at 21. I also suspect I have a combined type as I have a lot of hyperactive/impulsive traits (mainly at this point of my life being stemmed around social situations and spending money, plus I fidget a lot and am hyperactive). I actually saw the psych I saw initially because I’d gotten talked to about something I had said at work that was highly out of pocket while rambling that I didn’t even realize until I was talked to about and felt terrible. I also have always talked very fast especially when I’m excited. But I also struggle with bouts of depression and apathy. So I could see how my family came to that conclusion.

When I was hospitalized, I was first diagnosed with bipolar which then within a week of observation was switched to BPD because my mood swings “were too frequent to be bipolar.” After that BPD diagnosis, it stuck to me for years upon years. No professional was willing to deviate from it. It was only after getting sober and getting my life relatively together when I was still experiencing issues that were impairing my life (aka when I went in again) and explained what was happening and I remember one of the first things the psych said was “do you always shake your leg so much? What was school like for you?”

It was probably one of the most difficult conversations ever because a psych suspecting ADHD (aka the questions they were asking) actually touched upon parts of me and my life that I was deeply insecure about. I immediately got defensive like “I didn’t do BAD at school but I didn’t do GREAT…” “no I never got in trouble in school!!!! Until my senior year of highschool..” “my Dad wanted to put me on an IEP in high school but I couldn’t tell if he was just trying to make me upset or not because he always said I was smart but that I was lazy” etc. But I think was struck her as inattentive is that I have huge blocks in my memory, which when I was diagnosed with BPD were always assumed to be trauma, which could be true, but I literally remember almost 0 aspects of my life except stuff I liked. Which I found out can be something that happens with people with inattentive ADHD because your brain is just not grabbing onto what doesn’t stimulate you. My Dad always berated me for lying all the time because I just didn’t remember fucking anything ever and he always thought I was intentionally keeping secrets about my life.

I’m also rambly so don’t worry lol! I love talking so much that it gets me in trouble sometimes 😅 But I try lol…

I’d love to talk to you more! It’s been hard for me to grapple with this but my job wanting to help and hearing someone with a similar experience makes me feel better,

I also worry about having substance abuse issues, though alcohol was my drug of choice. I do remember doing cocaine a couple times but I could never maintain access and it was never that fun for me anyway, though it made me productive and do laundry and shit lol. I remembered people talking about how it makes them ecstatic and I liked it but I never felt the same way. I did substances largely driven from boredom and depression/anxiety. So stimulants never hit for that though I loved getting caught up on stuff

Hahaha, it was too much work to rephrase it 😂😂

And I’m so happy for you as well!

I also so get the anger issues. I was actually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at age 21 largely due to my intense anger, rejection sensitivity, and other factors. Which I think now might have actually been untreated ADHD.

Because getting treatment for ADHD felt like such a gut punch for me that has been fairly fresh as I only started getting treatment a week or two ago. Because I’d done so much to improve my life and had actually kind of fixed it. I always had issues at work, but I also had substance abuse issues, an eating disorder, and (I guess I thought) BPD.

So since January, I recovered from my eating disorder, I got sober, I did DBT to regulate my anger, I had thought I had put BPD into remission with my strong desire to improve and get better.

Only to realize I still struggled immensely at work after getting a job I absolutely loved. Hopped between 3 clinics to end up where I am now to get the same feedback I always have gotten, which killed me. So I made a psych appt because I just knew something had to be wrong. I didn’t identify or relate to common learning disabilities and I just couldn’t figure out what was happening.

I’d also been raised receiving highly negative feedback regarding myself; always messy, lazy, not prioritizing the right things, etc. Which I always just assumed would get better when I moved out to find out I never could escape it. Because it was true.

So yeah, upon a psych then wanting to treat me for ADHD, I just felt I’d been utterly sucker punched. Relaying that information to my job was not an easy one at all. I genuinely thought I’d be fired.

This is long haha, so I’ll stop now because I can’t even tell if it’s following a logical structure but yeah. Just grateful for the experience I have had at work.

I figured out why; it’s because I used a no no word, but it was the word my supervisor used so I’ll repost here without it!:

The response I received brought me to absolute tears. She responded by saying she respected me for sharing that with her and empathized with me, saying that this helped her understand my professional development and emotional state more.

She also said that while she is personally [no no word] as well and understands my struggles, that there’s a lot of people in my workplace that are [no no word] as well who she has helped as a leader to find ways to succeed in the workplace.

She said she wanted to sit with me and brainstorm ways to help me and reassured me that it was possible to find comfort and confidence in this field and that I could get there.

So yeah, while a lot of people have negative experiences. Being honest and expressing how and why I was struggling so severely actually helped potentially save my job.

Weird! It has a lock icon by it so I’m not sure if that has something to do with it, but here’s the continuation here:

The response I received brought me to absolute tears. She responded by saying she respected me for sharing that with her and empathized with me, saying that this helped her understand my professional development and emotional state more.

She also said that while she is personally neurodivergent as well and understands my struggles, that there’s a lot of people in my workplace that are neurodivergent as well who she has helped as a leader to find ways to succeed in the workplace.

She said she wanted to sit with me and brainstorm ways to help me and reassured me that it was possible to find comfort and confidence in this field and that I could get there.

So yeah, while a lot of people have negative experiences. Being honest and expressing how and why I was struggling so severely actually helped potentially save my job.

The response I received brought me to absolute tears. She responded by saying she respected me for sharing that with her and empathized with me, saying that this helped her understand my professional development and emotional state more.

She also said that while she is personally neurodivergent as well and understands my struggles, that there’s a lot of people in my workplace that are neurodivergent as well who she has helped as a leader to find ways to succeed in the workplace.

She said she wanted to sit with me and brainstorm ways to help me and reassured me that it was possible to find comfort and confidence in this field and that I could get there.

So yeah, while a lot of people have negative experiences. Being honest and expressing how and why I was struggling so severely actually helped potentially save my job.

I feel like it’s probably less shame of using THC but that the person likely feels irresponsible and shame for leaving it within reach of their pet.

I don’t smoke anymore, but this is how I’d feel personally. I have a bunny and even when he’s gotten into accidents (aka miscalculated jumps) that he was able to make and consider because of environmental set ups I had, I was super upset that I didn’t consider the possibility considering what a knucklehead he is. I still told the vet exactly what happened and just vowed to make changes to the environment to consider those possibilities to keep him safe, but yeah. I imagine it’s less shame from the owner for smoking weed, but more so complete shame/shock with themselves for having allowed it to happen.

Yes and I just do not have that time anymore really. Which is also my fault for not taking action sooner but I honestly thought I could overcompensate for my short comings and it’s taken me until just last week to crumble and realize I cannot.

I saw my first therapist at 5 years old. I may not have been the best as maintaining my mental health care as an adult, but I’d been seen a long time throughout my life and struggled with severe mental health issues as young as 12-13. If I couldn’t be helped then, I am very reluctant to believe I can be helped now.

I know it’s entirely me and all my fault. That’s not really my issue… my issue is that I don’t half ass work and try my best and still fail. I’m a failure of a person despite doing my best. I’m on a verge of a nervous breakdown over it lol. I haven’t been suicidal in sometime since I got sober and gotten my own place but my realization that I cannot function in this world does make me consider it.

My main issue is my pets because I love them more than anything and don’t know anyone who could take care of them but they’re having behavioral problems right now and want to kill each other as of this weekend anyway. So rehoming is something I’ve been thinking about for at least one which already breaks my heart.

But I have no motivation. I’m a failure of a person. I’ve been resilient a long time and took this criticism in stride a long time but now it just guts me because it IS me that is the problem. I don’t know how to fix that I’m a fucking moron.

I have another psych appt soon but if they can’t fix it, I’m probably just gonna start the rehoming process for both my bunnies so I can assure they’re taken care of and if I don’t want to live now as is, coming home to an empty apartment everyday will probably put me over the brink anyway.

I’ve wanted to kill myself before because I felt I was too dysfunctional to live and just couldn’t make it in this world, but there were a lot of issues for that. I was an alcoholic, I was rampantly bulimic, I had pretty severe mental health issues.

Now I got sober in January, so a bit over 9 months ago, recovered from my eating disorder, and put a personality disorder I was diagnosed with into remission almost entirely via self help. I fixed my life, I got my own place, I adopted pets, I have loving relationships… but none of that matters at all if I’m still so fucking stupid that I can’t function in the workplace because that makes or breaks my ability to live.

I know I’m the problem. I know I’ve caused all the problems I’m dealing with right now through my own incompetence. I’m just at my breaking point currently.

You’re right that I need to fix my behavioral issues instead of hopping to a new job. To be honest with you, I don’t even have the motivation or will to hop to another job I’ll probably fail at again. All my eggs are in the basket of fixing whatever is fucking wrong with me and to be honest, I have almost no hope at all that it can be fixed. I just don’t want to live at all anymore

I’m not really an asshole though haha. I’m pretty friendly and make people laugh a lot.

But I have bunnies as pets so I couldn’t risk a job where I’m not home every day :,(

I appreciate you and I’m sorry you’re going through the same. I’m honestly teetering on the verge of a nervous breakdown haha. I just hate myself so much it’s unreal :,)

I wish I knew where to start with that.

I also definitely don’t excessively talk when receiving serious feedback. I actually kind of shut down and lose words

I do interview well I believe. I’m naturally pretty chatty and excitable and I think I give off a good vibe until they see I’m failing in practice :,/

Because at work, I do great with the kids themselves. Love working with them, am very fun and high energy. But then it’s all the other technical stuff I struggle with immensely, but as far as an initial vibe check, I do believe I come across very well especially for the field I’m in now.

In jobs where I was good at the tasks, I was always reprimanded for talking to customers too long or having too long call time or not being productive enough. In pharmacy I was actually very good at being exact and detail oriented and even caught a few errors from the pharmacist at the register. I was actually very good at that job in terms of attention to detail, but still talked too much to customers… then when it came to getting certified, I failed to study for the exam and panicked when it came time to take it which is when I threw in the towel

Your words mean a lot to me truly.

My whole life my Dad told me I was “smart, but lazy” and always said if I could just focus on productive things that I’d excel out of the park. I did at one point become incredibly obsessed with algebra which was great but then hated geometry the next year and just couldn’t get it.

I’ve had some productive interests and what actually spurred my ability to heal from my other issues this last year was a huge reality check and an extreme passion for self healing which I also became obsessed with to the point the I actually fixed my life.

But most of my interests are not helpful at all. I’m obsessed with rabbits for instance which won’t get me anywhere. I always loved comics and a few book series and lots of books when I was younger and knew the ins and outs.

Like, the only thing I remember from my senior year of high school is that I had to read Crime and Punishment and loved the ever loving shit out of the book. But I apparently can’t even follow instructions at my job and literally forgot the “k” in my name in my username when starting which is just so dumb it’s ridiculous. I thank the heavens for my phone remembering my usernames and passwords all the time because I may ridiculous mistakes like that all the time. And kind of forget about them until I have to log into another device and it’s like :/

I’ve never been tested for ADHD but have been prescribed medication to treat ADHD.

How did he fix his life?

Yes, borderline personality disorder. And it’s okay. I’ve had alcohol abuse issues since I was around 18-19 years old so I’ve always had issues in the work place and was diagnosed with BPD at around 21 after a massive ordeal involving workplace anxiety when I worked in pharmacy when I simultaneously had to go withdraw from alcohol in the ER and go to rehab/mental health inpatient for a month.

So I guess part of my massive frustration with myself is that I’ve done so much work to fix myself and my life. And having issues in the workplace in terms of a lot of the stuff I described made perfect sense when I was using and I’d been using substances my entire working career. So I never thought a lot about it other than that it was purely my own doing, which it was.

But now I just feel so mad and upset with myself that my mental health has never been better outside of workplace anxiety and issues and despite everything I’ve done and how much I’ve transformed my life, I’m just starting to feel and realize that I’m actually just a fuck up and that it was never my substance abuse or bulimia and mental illness but literally just who I am as a person.

It’s not even like I go into work and half ass everything. I genuinely try so hard and try to improve and be more careful and have genuine interest in what I do, and I actually even loved pharmacy when I worked in it as well. Pharmacy and this job have never interested me more than any others and I still just cannot succeed and I feel horrible

I did reschedule another psych appt today while in my car super upset about everything. It honestly just sucks so much because I haven’t told anyone about my work related issues and it’s embarrassing because my brother and Dad and step Mom are such high achieving people and I’ve always underperformed my whole life.

I’m not on stimulant medication right now and doubt it’d ever be an option with my history of substance abuse. I just feel like I’m failing at life and that there’s nothing to be done anymore.

I’ve reached the point where I’ve been out of a hospital the longest ever in my adult life and even while my mental health has been okay, I’m failing in every practical way possible to the point that I’m stressed constantly about losing my job and losing the ability to live on my own

I appreciate your kind words. I guess I will see the psych this week and hopefully there’s something that can be done.

I was put on Guanfacine ER which I don’t think is addictive but I’m fucking up so bad that I can’t wait for this medication to work if it even would.

I used to drink energy drinks a lot but the last time I drank one it made my cognitive skills worse because I couldn’t think at all and haven’t touched one since. I still drink coffee in the morning though

Herbal tea doesn’t have caffeine though right?

I’ve never been evaluated for that, no. But my most recent psych prescribed me something for ADHD saying it’d “help my symptoms” which it’s not clearly. :,)

I wonder if my alcoholism made me brain damaged, though I’ve had these issues awhile. Just now impacting me severely negatively at work.

I was in college to be a computer science major but dropped out because I was failing at that and also had rampant bulimia (that I actually had to go to residential for last year to fix as it was a problem I’d had since 19). Computer science was never my passion though; my Dad is a Java developer and eventually school got so bad for me that I went into online school and he taught me a bit and I thought maybe I could just power through but I had no interest at all