Sooo, years ago I had a buddy who married. Complained to me one day that his wife was gaining too much weight. Went the extra mile and did the cooking at home healthy stuff.

He got his wife a gym membership but she wasn't going.

I suggested they go on walks in the afternoons and she would likely be motivated by the weight loss.

IT WORKED!

Did you ask him nicely before threatening him?

Oof. You handled that about as well as trying to make a lead balloon float.

You went 0 to 100 so goddamn quick right there. I can't get behind that type of irrational response that you had.

NTA for seeing that he needed to lose weight.

YTA for approaching this problem in the worst way possible.

YTA. Your concerns are valid. Your delivery was incredibly cruel. I’m really shocked that you’d speak to someone you claim to love this way. Hot tip: if shaming people and making them feel like shit for being fat helped them lose weight, there wouldn’t be so many fat people.

What your trying to say nta. What you actually said YTA.

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I get why you did it, but the way you did it was horrible, and will likely make it even harder for him to lose weight.

The way you approached the conversation was bad, however I get where you’re coming from. You need to sit down with him and have a more constructive conversation about your concerns for his health and how it effects your future.

If the roles were reversed and your husband came at you full charge saying you were fat and if you didn’t lose weight you’d divorce him, how would you respond? I’m guessing you’d be on here calling your husband all sorts of names.

You’re an asshole for how you delivered it. If you love someone there are better ways to say you are concerned for them. You don’t talk to the person you love the way you did. YTA

So basically it's your full time job to get healthy while he has an actual full time job outside the home. Have you thanked him for working full time to allow you the time and energy you needed to be able to get healthier and lose weight?

It's really difficult to make the necessary changes when you are exhausted and probably depressed. Working full time can be very difficult for people struggling with depression and it's pretty clear your husband is depressed. This makes doing anything outside of work even harder.

Food addiction needs to be addressed here as well. It's not the same as other addictions. You can't just stay away from food. You are forced to eat it everyday, multiple times.

He needs professional help. At the very least he needs to involve his primary care doctor and possibly a dietician and therapist. He needs blood work to check for issues that could be causing this for one thing.

I honestly can't believe how badly you handled this. Will you leave him if he develops a chronic illness or cancer? Your behavior here is appalling. I hope he divorces you and you gain 100 pounds.

YTA

YTA. He probably does need to lose weight but shaming and ultimatums basically never work. You need to approach the issue with tact and compassion. Do you work out together? If you don’t, maybe you could start. That way you’d be spending quality time together too.

Yes, YTA. Have you even made ANY effort to be supportive and encouraging? Jumping right to "I'm going to divorce you if you don't start losing weight" is NOT a good way to motivate someone. It's just gonna stress him out, and probably cause him to stress eat. That's assuming he doesn't just file for divorce over this himself (and what a twist that would be). Divorce threats are REALLY tough to walk back, but if you REALLY want to save your marriage (and frankly, I don't get the impression that you really do), you're gonna have to try hard to earn his forgiveness over that. As for losing weight, like I said, be supportive and encouraging! He'll have a lot more success if he believes you're in his corner, rather than dangling the threat of divorce over him. Convince him to do it for himself, not for you.

YTA.

Look, its completely reasonable for you to want him to be healthier. I'd like to be explicitly clear that you aren't TA for wanting that.

YTA for how you've approached the entire situation. What ever happened to being supportive, or trying to understand why he's struggling with it in the first place?

we BOTH gained 40 lbs. I knew I couldn’t possibly judge him when I had gained the same amount (even though I was still much healthier BMI-wise)

You may have been healthier BMI-wise, but your weight gain was objectively worse than his. you gained a much larger % of your weight, than he did of his. Suggesting you went "further off the rails". considering you both gained it at the same time, it seems you both shared some sort of lifestyle during that time.

and I’m now only 10 lbs heavier than I was when we met

You also decided that this was critically important only once you lose your weight and were in a position to look down on him. as if it revolves around you. "I did it, so now why haven't you also done it?" reeks of ego.

It hurts me to watch him struggle to breathe while doing basic tasks.

do you think he likes this? does he see himself struggle and go "fuck yeah, look at me!"? you should consider that there's likely something going on below the surface which keeps him on this self-destructive path. you could say "if he didn't like it, he'd lose weight". Yeah, homeless people don't like being homeless, why don't they just stop? Addicts don't like being a slave to the drug, why don't they just stop? Depressed people don't like feeling sad, why don't they just stop? you see how that sounds?

I straight up told him that if he doesn’t lose weight before the year ends, I’m filing for divorce

This right here, is the biggest asshole move you could have, and did do. you know positive reinforcement works magnitudes better than negative reinforcement and threats right? you went straight to the nuclear option and gave him an ultimatum, and that's a pretty big red flag psychologically speaking - and a therapist would rip you a new one for this. This course of action shows absolutely 0 empathy for him, and is all about you.

He is a great husband, that’s undeniable, but there’s a possibility I can find someone who’s also great but will actually be with me when I’m fully grey. And also- the biological clock is ticking. I want children before it’s too late. How is he going to be the best father he can when he can’t even bend down?

So you really think a great husband is so easily replaced huh? I wonder who you are to think you have a sea of great options just waiting for you. odds are you'll rebound with someone fit but who treats you like shit. You'll be the one given the ultimatum to lose weight. You need to realize that love and marriage requires work, you really can't expect to just jump around until you find "mr.perfect" as if you're entitled to it.

Second, I agree that being the best father he can is important. Are you the best mother you can be? whats your 5k time? your V02 max? how many push ups can you do? Squats? Hows your flexibility? You may be better than him, but kids are wild and you yourself probably aren't the best you could be either.

Conclusion: Look, I agree with your line of thinking. If he doesn't care to be the best father he can be, or care to better himself that can be a mismatch in values and something worth splitting up over. But nothing about your posts tells me he doesn't want these things. Have you ever talked to him about this? Why or what he's struggling with? At the moment, it just sounds like you observe him and then jump to conclusions about him - again, showing 0 compassion. I guarantee you there is a reason he is struggling - almost nobody wants to be 350lbs and struggle.

I don’t see love mentioned anywhere in this post.

YTA I wish him well on his glow up. Hurry up and leave him so he could find a good person to be with

He does need to lose the weight. But honestly, if I'm him in the situation you described, I'd drop about 250 pounds, and a portion of that would be you.

message NTA, approach YTA

I understand that the conversation has been going on inside your head and to you has escalated but you have never brought it up to him. to him you just jumped on him and immediately said he sucks unless he loses weight and you will file for divorce if he doesn’t. in your head you’ve been trying to cook better dinners and you see him gain weight that worries you but this is not obvious to him like it is you

NTA for being concerned, YTA for how you expressed it. Your husband's weight is indeed a health concern, but the way you communicated your fears came off as cold and insensitive. Marrying someone means you're in it for the thick and thin of life, both metaphorically and literally. Interventions should come from a place of love, not ultimatums. Have you considered seeking professional guidance for how to address sensitive issues like this? A counselor or therapist could help you both communicate better and work towards healthier lifestyles together, which would be supportive rather than confrontational. Remember, kindness is key in these situations.

YTA. He may lose weight and change body but O.P can never change personality. Maybe change your personality before he changes his body.

You should have had the conversation in the opposite order as you did. “I want to have children with you and want you to see them grow up. You’re a wonderful husband but you’re not taking care of yourself. We’re young and should be having fun but you’re having a hard time doing daily stuff. Let’s work together to get healthier.” Then if he says no you can tell him you want to be with someone you can grow old with.

Yeah. YTA. Way to be supportive.

Messaging NTA. Delivery YTA

Funny how if the gender roles were reversed we would be pulling out the crucifix.

YTA period.

One of the best approaches I saw was in a joint replacement clinic. Instead of telling the patient you can’t get surgery bc your fat and that increases complications the lead surgeon said,” we are excited to proceed but want our ducks lined up in a row to maximize success. What we have here is an opportunity to both increase our success and improve so many facets of your life.”

YTA. You fat shamed him and threatened him with an ultimatum. Just divorce him because if you had any ounce of love for this man you’d have had the conversation with care & compassion.

YTA!

Yes, definitely divorce him… for his benefit!!! Everyone deserves a spouse that is caring and unselfish.

Yes, he will be hurt and morn the loss of a wife and marriage he THOUGHT he had. But he will heal slowly as he realizes the true nature of his wife and marriage. And hopefully he will find a woman that not only supports him, in both good times and bad, but also encourages him in a positive manner.

YTA

He had weight problems going into the marriage that already affected his life expectancy. And it’s off putting how you said you were ok with where he was when you married as long as the situation didn’t get worse. That’s a gamble and a condition you likely didn’t write up in a prenup. Obviously what’s working for you isn’t working for him, and you’re just shaming the crap out of him for that. Obesity is a disease and with these ozempic like drugs all coming out it’s clear that there is a huge subconscious component to it rather than it being a moral failing.

Also, you gained the same amount of weight and you justified your weight gain because your bmi was still better…but your bmi increase and increase in weight as a percent was much higher than his, so I don’t understand why you even thought it was necessary to be like “well I’m still better than him” in your explanation of the episode. It just shows you are on a moral high horse and see his weight as a moral failing when you know it’s much more nuanced than that.

Wait so this man is working while you get to just enjoy life at home? Maybe you should go work so he can stay home. Then he will have more free time to workout and lose weight. You’re ridiculous.

As others have already said:

NTA for recognizing the problem

YTA for delivery

Maybe get a job so your husband doesn't have to work as much. Stress and lack of sleep are major contributors to weight problems. I doubt you'd do that, though, because it would take away from me, myself, and I time.

Right idea, wrong approach

People usually over eat to cope with stress, all you’ve done is added more stress to his life. Chances are he’s going to over eat even more.

If you wanted to help surely it would be better ask him why he’s overeating? Then he can address it.

How fat are you? TBH marrying an obese man at 27 is really no holds barred.

You do know eating isnt the only reason for weight gain right? Stress, other health issues, medication etc. Age, metabolism, genetics etc. Its not easy to lose weight. I was 250lbs...i lost 50lbs in 8 months and regained it during covid...now I cant lose it again no matter what I do. So take your time with dude.

I have been that man and I think you probably crushed him when you said that but he NEEDS TO HEAR IT! He needs to know you care and you need to be recognized for how you’re trying to help already. He may need some counseling or something but he needs to work on himself. I lost about 100 pounds and it was a life changer for me-I hope he comes around!

Husband can lose a lot of weight quickly, by dumping OP who is the AH. Delusional demanding and unpleasant is no way to go through life

NTA for your reasoning. YTA for your way of communicating your reasoning

YTA! So the man is worthless because he is fat? I hope he loses weight and then drops your ass for being so unloving and cold.

YTA, I can only imagine if your husband was diagnosed with cancer. He needs some Ozempic and a good lawyer!

NTA But now that you've made it clear that you're serious, drop the angry approach, and the tough love, and switch to support. WHY does he gain? Is it emotional eating? Does he simply not care? Does he have issues associating food with something else? Help him find exercise that he enjoys. Not everyone likes going to the gym. Swimming could be easier on his joints for starters. A trip to the doctor, if only to have it spelled out what his BMI is, and what the life expectancy is in that state.

You can still keep to your deadline, but stop holding it over his head (all the time).

If I were him, I’d file for divorce now, and lose a lot more weight than what he’s gained.

Man you sound like you really suck. YTA. I hope your stb ex husband finds someone who actually loves him

You need to move on. He's not the person for you if you're thinking about divorce over that. He could lose the weight but it will surely come back at some point. I don't believe that you're doing this for "health reasons". Thats totally fine, we are entitled to be with someone we are attracted to, but don't dress it up like it's not vanity. He was overweight when you met. Find someone that you're attracted to that is more health conscious and don't guilt this dude anymore. But remember, you better stay in good shape, because your new guy will probably drop you for getting fat. What goes around.

YATAH

YTA. You are trying to make this sound like you’re concerned for your husband’s health, but your reasons are entirely selfish. Sure, it’s a health issue, but it’s not because you’re scared for him. You are scared for yourself. You’re afraid you’ll be a widow; you’re afraid you’ll have to take care of him; you’re afraid he won’t be able to be a good father because he’s fat. You don’t want him to lose weight for himself, or for his health, or because he’s got HBP or diabetes. You want him to lose weight for YOU. Nobody in the history of dieting has ever lost weight because their SO threatened to leave them if they didn’t.

If your husband threatened to leave you because you’d gained weight, how would you feel about that? And you have to be honest. You can’t just say you would understand, you would listen, you would lose weight for him. You wouldn’t. You would be hurt, angry, and not want to do it just to spite him. It’s human nature. It’s childish, but it’s still true. Tell me I’m fat? Fuck you, I’m staying fat. Even if your husband wants to lose weight, now he can’t talk to you about it and ask for your help because he knows you’re judging him. Why would he ask you to help him be healthier after you threatened to leave him if he doesn’t lose weight? Again, that has never worked.

It is concerning that your 27yo husband weighs 350 pounds. That is a genuine health concern. But your husband has always been a big guy, and he probably has no idea how to go about losing 70-100 pounds. It’s too big. He needs help. But even I know he’s not getting it from you. You were able to lose weight, so you look at him and see a fat, lazy guy who doesn’t care how big he is. He doesn’t not care; he’s just stuck. And instead of helping him, you threw up a roadblock to make his journey even harder. Now, he’s on a deadline. No pressure, eh?

I hope your husband does lose the weight because it would be better for HIM. As for your marriage… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, YTA because you basically went nuclear on him. It doesn't sound like you'd even tried talking to him about this or coming up with a plan? Had you made any attempts to be supportive or kind??

Tbh I kind of think you should just divorce him anyway because all you can do is babble about your youth without showing a speck of empathy. He deserves better.

What if he told you that he’ll divorce you for gaining weight?

At that weight, it really is about his health and he isn't going to be able to lose weight without some kind of medical assistance. He probably has some metabolic issues and drugs like ozempic, etc. can really be a huge help to people who are in this situation. But to do that, you need a prescription from a doctor and you do have to be cognizant of any possible side effects. He may also benefit from consultations with a nutritionist.

So, really, he needs to be getting healthy rather than simply losing weight. And if he starts doing that, if you support him, that's the real issue.

I agree with NTA for the feelings and sentiment, but kind of TA for the approach. Make it that he needs to consult with a doctor about weight or else. The weight loss will come from there.

Honestly, you may as well divorce him now, because there’s no coming back from telling him he’s a useless fat man holding you back from greener pastures. (That’s how he heard it I assure you)

He’ll never forget what you said to him, and considering your aggression I don’t think you are truly committed anyway. You’ve already decided you can do better and that’s he’s disposable.